Know your tools!

Know your tools!

This is a discussion on Know your tools! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; The following is a handy list of tools and their common usage. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar ...

Results 1 to 12 of 12
Like Tree1Likes
  • 1 Post By TN_Mike

Thread: Know your tools!

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array TN_Mike's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Shelby County TN
    Posts
    11,129

    Know your tools!

    The following is a handy list of tools and their common usage.




    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh yugo!'

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


    SON-OF-A-B TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    Chevyguy85 likes this.
    ,=====o00o _
    //___l__,\____\,__
    l_--- \___l---[]lllllll[]
    (o)_)-o- (o)_)--o-)_)


  2. #2
    Senior Member Array Tala's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Benton, AR
    Posts
    716
    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    Also used for prying, and as a chisel or punch when you can't find one, and useful for testing electrical for high voltage (note, you will want to AVOID buying any with metal handles if you do much electrical work)


    You really don't need too many other tools
    use WD-40 on things that won't move, but should
    and Duct Tape on things that do move, but shouldn't (other options include baling wire and zip ties)


    And any extension cords need to be at least a mile long!
    I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them. -- John Wayne as John B. Books in "The Shootist"

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array Paco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    McKinney, TX
    Posts
    3,507
    I have many of the same tools!
    "Don't hit a man if you can possibly avoid it; but if you do hit him, put him to sleep." - Theodore Roosevelt

    -Paco
    http://www.shieldsd.net

  4. #4
    Distinguished Member Array INccwchris's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Indianapolis
    Posts
    1,786
    in mechanic work, also include CAR HOOD, useful device for bumping ones head when standing up to go take a leak, get another beer, reach for tool etc. etc. etc. Also useful for smashing fingers while trying to close it
    "The value you put on the lost will be determined by the sacrifice you are willing to make to seek them until they are found."

  5. #5
    VIP Member
    Array msgt/ret's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    7,476
    IMPACT WRENCH: Tool used to tighten lug nuts preventing them from being removed with a lug wrench. Also used to shear off the heads of bolts.

    Have used all of those at one time or another.


    Radio station out in California used to play this one long long ago. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQ0X58HgZRk
    When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
    "Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."

  6. #6
    Senior Member Array Tala's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Benton, AR
    Posts
    716
    Quote Originally Posted by msgt/ret View Post
    IMPACT WRENCH: Tool used to tighten lug nuts preventing them from being removed with a lug wrench.
    Which is why I never let anyone else put tires on my truck...

    one I read in a magazine once:

    ALLEN WRENCHES: Wrenches left by your wife's ex, Allen.
    I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them. -- John Wayne as John B. Books in "The Shootist"

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array Hiram25's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Wyoming, DE
    Posts
    11,136
    Well, this Forum has again helped me out! For all these years I have thought that I was using these tools incorrectly, now I see that I really did know what I was doing! Thanks for posting TN Mike, you have lifted a great burden from my ego.
    Hiram25
    You can educate ignorance, you can't fix stupid
    Retired DE Trooper, SA XD40 SC, S&W 2" Airweight
    dukalmighty & Pure Kustom Black Ops Pro "Trooper" Holsters, DE CCDW and LEOSA Permits, Vietnam Vet 68-69 Pleiku

  8. #8
    VIP Member Array packinnova's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    VA
    Posts
    4,315
    I have an entire rolling drawer full of "SON-OF-A-B TOOLS"
    "My God David, We're a Civilized society."

    "Sure, As long as the machines are workin' and you can call 911. But you take those things away, you throw people in the dark, and you scare the crap out of them; no more rules...You'll see how primitive they can get."
    -The Mist (2007)

  9. #9
    VIP Member Array Brass63's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    NW Washington
    Posts
    5,549
    Too funny. Made my day... thanks for posting.
    The United States Constitution 1791. All Rights Reserved.

  10. #10
    VIP Member Array shockwave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    2,050
    The wisdom in the original post was not gained cheaply.

    Here's another one: TORQUE WRENCH - A finely calibrated tool that tells you the precise number of foot-pounds that were required to shear off the bolt you were tightening.
    "It may seem difficult at first, but everything is difficult at first."

  11. #11
    Moderator
    Array Rock and Glock's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Colorado at 11,650'
    Posts
    12,719
    I've used almost all of them all at various times. I even occasionally read the Instruction Books thereafter. I still love my small, medium and large "Wrecking Bars". Those suckers are named so perfectly, and are so versatile. They'll wreck anything!

  12. #12
    Distinguished Member Array INccwchris's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Indianapolis
    Posts
    1,786
    "breaker bars" a tool designed to break anything up to and including the bracket around the bolt which you are trying to remove. Also useful for breaking out headlights and taillights while walking to the site that the bar is intended to be used on
    "The value you put on the lost will be determined by the sacrifice you are willing to make to seek them until they are found."

Links

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Search tags for this page

know your tool

Click on a term to search for related topics.