Wheres the Bacon?

Wheres the Bacon?

This is a discussion on Wheres the Bacon? within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; This morning I got up at about 7 and went to fix some coffee. The familiar blue can was gone and replaced by a green ...

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Thread: Wheres the Bacon?

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array glockman10mm's Avatar
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    Wheres the Bacon?

    This morning I got up at about 7 and went to fix some coffee. The familiar blue can was gone and replaced by a green bag. Decaf. What is going on! So, I ignore that and go to fix some toast. In the fridge was a different butter in a plastic bowl labeled "Healthy something" Now I am irritated.

    No problem, went to fix some bacon and eggs. I pulled the bacon out, new package, opened it, and as I began to peel it back, I realized this wasnt bacon. What the..! It says Turkey bacon! Calling wife to get this resolved.

    HER: Hi Honey, whats going on
    ME: Iwas going to ask you the same thing.
    HER: What do you mean?
    ME: Wellll, I went to make toast, and the butter has been replaced by some healthy crap, the coffee is decaf, and the bacon is TURKEY!!! What is going on.
    HER: Oh, Im sorry, I should have told you, we are going to start eating healthy from now on. You need to start eating more vegtables, grains and fibers.
    ME: (Eyes now bugging, cant breath) I DO eat healthy.
    HER: You need more vegetables.
    Me: I HAD fried potatoes last night. And..and..pickled okra with my lunch yesterday!
    HER: But we also have to cut back on your fat intake.
    ME:My God woman, I will starve to death, I cant eat Turkey for breakfast, we just had it for Thanksgiving!
    HER: You also had for lunch yesterday and didnt even know it.
    ME; What..are you talking about.
    HER:Did you have a bologne sandwich for lunch yesterday? Read the package.
    ME:(Reading) Oh crap! Turkey Bologne?!!!
    HER: Thats right, and this hillbilly diet you have has got to stop for your own good.
    ME:I just had my heart checked with a complete work up including stress test 5 years ago, and they said I am fine.
    HER:You also eat way too much chocolate and drink too much pepsi. Oh, and also you need to quit smoking.
    ME:Chocolate is proven to be good for the heart, and, and its got peanuts in it which has fiber in it, and,and and pepsi is , well its, well, I like it!
    HER: Oh really? And what about the smoking, how does that benefit you.
    ME:Well right now it has medicinal value.
    HER:HOW?
    Me: Well right now its calming me down, cause theres no food in the house!

    And so it went. I cannot eat this tasteless, crap! I dont know what Im gonna do.
    zacii and surefire7 like this.
    Ignorance is a long way from stupid, but left unchecked, can get there real fast.


  2. #2
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    Oh yes welcome to the health craze, if it tastes good immediately spit it out and grab a tofu shake instead. Shake must be made of soymilk and sweetened with artificial sweeteners and organically grown berries.
    When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
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  3. #3
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    Sounds familiar. And do you wear your sunscreen and a seatbelt?

    "ME:I just had my heart checked with a complete work up including stress test 5 years ago, and they said I am fine." What if you had your truck tire pressure checked five years ago and it was ok? My husband takes better care of his chrome wheels and dog than he does himself. His idea of a vegetable is canned corn.

    Oh well.

  4. #4
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    Yuck and more yuck. I just had fried eggs (3), home fries, sausage, biscuits. Saving the left over biscuits and sausage gravy for a snack. Yeah I know bad, bad, bad but you have to die from something
    msgt/ret, swiftyjuan and pistola like this.
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  5. #5
    VIP Member Array glockman10mm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cammo girl View Post
    Sounds familiar. And do you wear your sunscreen and a seatbelt?

    "ME:I just had my heart checked with a complete work up including stress test 5 years ago, and they said I am fine." What if you had your truck tire pressure checked five years ago and it was ok? My husband takes better care of his chrome wheels and dog than he does himself. His idea of a vegetable is canned corn.

    Oh well.
    State law requires seat belt. Are you saying canned corn is not a veggie?
    Ignorance is a long way from stupid, but left unchecked, can get there real fast.

  6. #6
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    What if I like to butter my bacon...is that bad?
    zacii, Dragman and joker1 like this.
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  7. #7
    Member Array Biomortis's Avatar
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    My father is 65, overweight and grew up with southern cooking, everything fried in lard and so on. He also has SVT which basically is occasional uncontrolled tachycardia. This runs in his dad's side of the family. Last year he was in the emergency room with a 240 pulse for a half an hour before they could get it slowed down. The upside is the cardiologist said if he was even close to having any blockages he would have had a heart attack. While there is probably no denying that your chances of living longer increase with a healthy diet, you can't rule out the genetic factor. Different genetics handle cholesterol and other elements of the body differently. A diet that is ultimately beneficial for person A may be harmful to person B. That being said, he has stayed away from partially hydrogenated fats and processed foods as much as possible his entire life. It would seem that it has been what has made the biggest difference.

    BTW, they wound up permanently short circuiting his heart while trying to correct the problem so they had to install a pacemaker. I tell him he's my favorite cyborg. He doesn't find it amusing. My grandfather who is 90 also has a pacemaker as well but his heart shorted out on its own. He also has a full head of dark brown hair. What the hell? I am hoping I got some of the good genes.
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  8. #8
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    Here's the solution to your problem...............

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  9. #9
    Distinguished Member Array Black Knight's Avatar
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    Just tell her that it is a medical fact that everyone who has eaten vegetables at any time in their lives is going to die. A medical fact that anyone who has ever drank water instead of pepsi at anytime in their lives is going to die. It is also a proven medical fact that anyone who has suffered stress at any time in their lives is going to die. It is also a proven medical fact that anyone causing stress to someone else at any time in their lives is going to die. The only question is when?

  10. #10
    Member Array Illusive Man's Avatar
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    All of the really health conscience folks I know die sooner than those how don't care what they eat!!!!! I'm overweight, but I come from good genes. When my wife and I vacation, I can walk around an island in the Caribbean all day in the sun wearing about 10lbs of camera gear with no problem. I have no joint problems, and my cholesterol is fine. I passed my last checkup (about a month ago) with flying colors. I also smoke a pipe. Gotta run, it's time for a bacon sanwich!!
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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by glockman10mm View Post
    And so it went. I cannot eat this tasteless, crap! I dont know what Im gonna do.
    Well you'll live longer......... Or at least it will seem that way!
    chiefjason and surefire7 like this.
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    Why can't they put the vitamins and fiber in the distilled adult beverages and the donuts where they belong!

    Glockman, at least your lady's a shooter and not adverse to venison... and maybe she just wants you around a few more years so you can buy her some more nice guns!
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  13. #13
    Distinguished Member Array 21bubba's Avatar
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    That is down right un-Kentuckian.

  14. #14
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    Don't mess with my food. I started taking Omega 3's after dinner and got my cholesterol in balance without changing a thing about my redneck diet.

    I didn't picture you as a smoker, Gman. That's okay though - Ya'll woulda really hated me back when I used to hit the sauce.
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  15. #15
    VIP Member Array glockman10mm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WHEC724 View Post
    Don't mess with my food. I started taking Omega 3's after dinner and got my cholesterol in balance without changing a thing about my redneck diet.

    I didn't picture you as a smoker, Gman. That's okay though - Ya'll woulda really hated me back when I used to hit the sauce.
    Yeah, I have been a smoker on and off for years. Its probably my only vice besides chocolate.
    Ignorance is a long way from stupid, but left unchecked, can get there real fast.

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