This morning I got up at about 7 and went to fix some coffee. The familiar blue can was gone and replaced by a green bag. Decaf. What is going on! So, I ignore that and go to fix some toast. In the fridge was a different butter in a plastic bowl labeled "Healthy something" Now I am irritated.
No problem, went to fix some bacon and eggs. I pulled the bacon out, new package, opened it, and as I began to peel it back, I realized this wasnt bacon. What the..! It says Turkey bacon! Calling wife to get this resolved.
HER: Hi Honey, whats going on
ME: Iwas going to ask you the same thing.
HER: What do you mean?
ME: Wellll, I went to make toast, and the butter has been replaced by some healthy crap, the coffee is decaf, and the bacon is TURKEY!!! What is going on.
HER: Oh, Im sorry, I should have told you, we are going to start eating healthy from now on. You need to start eating more vegtables, grains and fibers.
ME: (Eyes now bugging, cant breath) I DO eat healthy.
HER: You need more vegetables.
Me: I HAD fried potatoes last night. And..and..pickled okra with my lunch yesterday!
HER: But we also have to cut back on your fat intake.
ME:My God woman, I will starve to death, I cant eat Turkey for breakfast, we just had it for Thanksgiving!
HER: You also had for lunch yesterday and didnt even know it.
ME; What..are you talking about.
HER:Did you have a bologne sandwich for lunch yesterday? Read the package.
ME:(Reading) Oh crap! Turkey Bologne?!!!
HER: Thats right, and this hillbilly diet you have has got to stop for your own good.
ME:I just had my heart checked with a complete work up including stress test 5 years ago, and they said I am fine.
HER:You also eat way too much chocolate and drink too much pepsi. Oh, and also you need to quit smoking.
ME:Chocolate is proven to be good for the heart, and, and its got peanuts in it which has fiber in it, and,and and pepsi is , well its, well, I like it!
HER: Oh really? And what about the smoking, how does that benefit you.
ME:Well right now it has medicinal value.
Me: Well right now its calming me down, cause theres no food in the house!
And so it went. I cannot eat this tasteless, crap! I dont know what Im gonna do.