Texas Chili Contest

This is a discussion on Texas Chili Contest within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I know this one has been around a while, but still pretty funny. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at ...

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Thread: Texas Chili Contest

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array 4my sons's Avatar
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    Texas Chili Contest

    I know this one has been around a while, but still pretty funny.



    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all tha t spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI ...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Niice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI ...

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    JJudge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignit e. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 22 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT ...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEG AL LIP REMOVER...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    &nbssp; Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
    The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    ; Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

    &nb sp; Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judgge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. (At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It’ too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole i n my stomach.)

    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too hot, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existtence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge # 3 -- No Report
    "fundamental principle of American law that a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public services, such as police protection, to any individual citizen." [Warren v. District of Columbia,(D.C. Ct. of Ap., 1981)]
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  3. #2
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    All needed now is -

    "Judge #3 peacefully passed away last night''!! (No embalming was required)
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    Senior Member Array blueyedevil's Avatar
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    That one still makes me blow snot-bubbles! Thanks for reposting

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    Senior Member Array cmidkiff's Avatar
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    Oldie, but still funny as he(ck)!
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    Member Array curtm1911's Avatar
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    Chili is not good until it gets your eyelids sweating, your eyeballs bulging, and your tongue numb. Anything less is just fancy tomato soup, IMHO.
    LMAO none the less though, the judge must be from the East Coast.
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    Senior Member Array .45acp's Avatar
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    OK then, let's get some chile recipes posted.
    I'll look for mine later but some of my secret ingredients are:
    real beef-not hamburger
    cilantro
    lime
    cocoa powder and possible side effects hot sauce-much hotter than dave's insanity

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    Thanks...

    that's the best laugh I've had today...
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    There was a story a few years back of this guy who gassed himslef to death it was is own by product in an enclosed room. NO KIDDING!
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  10. #9
    VIP Member Array Old Chief's Avatar
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    Chili is in the eye of the beholder. Some of the TexMex chili can be rather tasty. Bring on the good stuff.

  11. #10
    VIP Member Array Redneck Repairs's Avatar
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    OK then, let's get some chile recipes posted.
    Your kidding right ?? Heck i would rather post the combo to my gunsafe than my chilie recipees . But i will say if you put beans into it its bean soup ( which can be dammed good on its own ) not chili .
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  12. #11
    Senior Member Array .45acp's Avatar
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    Well for a complete, balanced meal I do add a small amount of corn and black beans but I also use real beef (beef cubes) and masa flour so it's nice and thick, nothing soupy here.

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    Senior Member Array mark555's Avatar
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    Still brings tears to my eyes, even without the chili.
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    Senior Member Array Weeg's Avatar
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    I've been to these things when I lived in TX...

    We always used to advise folks to place a roll of TP in the freezer for use later on...




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    Thanks!!

  16. #15
    Distinguished Member Array 4my sons's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Weeg
    I've been to these things when I lived in TX...

    We always used to advise folks to place a roll of TP in the freezer for use later on...





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