10 Rules to Date My Daughter

[ExSoldier]

I actually DID hand this out to my daughter's boy friends when she was in high school, much to her dismay. Thank God she's now happily married! This I offer to all the dad's here, those with daughters and those with SONS, too. Note, I never served in 'Nam, but highschool boys don't know from anything....

TEN RULES
FOR
DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my daughter, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough for my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and live near the Everglades. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face watching you from the window is mine.

[DefensiveCarry.com]

[srfl]

Awesome Ex! Love it!

#'s 4, 9 and 10 were especially hilarious!

Thankfully srfl is a man with no daughters.

...another thing...I'd copywrite this if I were you....I have a feeling a lot of members here with daughters are going to post this to their front doors like Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses to the door of the Wittenberg Church.

[dr_cmg]

Funny stuff. The rule you forgot is:

11. I love my daughter enough to die for her. Do you?

Thanks. Great stuff.

[Bud White]

Ive seen this plenty of times its always funny

[SIGguy229]

or

11. I love my daughter enough to kill...get my hint? (note the dirty shovel and muddy boots in the corner)

[SIGguy229]

<-- No daughters, BTW...but am training two boys at this time to be respectful and polite

[Sonic Misfit]

As a father of two daughters, both of whom are in their thirties, this brought back some memories. I am positive that I put a lot of fear into a few teenage boys at one time!

Thanks for the post!!!

[Ti Carry]

or

11. I love my daughter enough to kill...get my hint? (note the dirty shovel and muddy boots in the corner)

This is basically what I would say or give them and just cut to the chase. Maybe on a business card with the saying so they can keep it close to them at all times.

My daughter is 9 and very pretty and believe me I am in training for what is inevitable. I know this is God's punishment for all that I did when I was young.


Ti.

[P95Carry]

Oldie but goodie Jim - cracks me up every time

[steve_db]

never saw that before.
beautiful. just beautiful...

thank you sir.

[gddyup]

I love it!

I have 2 boys. One 3.5 and one 3 mos old. I will print this for them to tqake on dates when they get to that magical age of 21...

[my2cents]

Thank you! I have a 7 year old that already looks 10. I will frame this and post it outside our front door.

[dimmak]

Yeah mine just turned 12.....
I have been working on my "death mask" stare.....

[ExSoldier]

I know this is God's punishment for all that I did when I was young. Ti.

ROFLMAO! You owe me a new keyboard, I just snorted my soda all over it thru my nose!

Yah, I remember throwing a young guy out of the house once when he reminded me too much of.....ME at that age.

[ExSoldier]

Yeah mine just turned 12.....
I have been working on my "death mask" stare.....

You think you're safe until she's 16? When I was teaching middle school about 11 years ago, we caught a pair of 6th graders making it (HOME RUN GRAND SLAM!) between two portables before school.

Know how we found out? A Bus driver reported seeing the couple making the "Beast with two backs" but he waited to WATCH awhile before telling us!

So keep that straight in your mind. Kids are more knowledgeable and are becoming "active" sooner and sooner. The public school curricula encourages it. I'll bet her school already hands out free condoms and the parents aren't told! I've been teaching now about 18 years. The last 11 in the inner city. I can't tell you the number of times I've caught students "in the act" at the end of some darkened hallway, in a empty classroom or above the stage in the auditorium...