Funny Things Police Officers Say

This is a discussion on Funny Things Police Officers Say within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I work for an couple of ex Law Enforcement guys. One was Chief of Police and a Sheriff, the other was a Police Officer. We ...

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Thread: Funny Things Police Officers Say

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array JoJoGunn's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Funny Things Police Officers Say

    I work for an couple of ex Law Enforcement guys. One was Chief of Police and a Sheriff, the other was a Police Officer. We were chatting about the "good old days" when they were on the force and this story came about.

    The one guy said he and his partner pulled over a vehicle from out of state. His partner asked the guy, "Where are you from?"

    The man in the vehicle answered "I am from Chicago."

    The officer replied, "Oh yeah?" "Then tell me why you have Illinois license plates on your car?"

    I am still laughing. Next story please!
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  2. #2
    Distinguished Member Array jumpwing's Avatar
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    Dumbness: Itz everywheres.
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    Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

    Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.

    "What do you mean you slowed down for that stop sign?" "If I was hitting you in the head with a hammer would you want me to slow down, or stop?"

    Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

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    VIP Member Array Hiram25's Avatar
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  5. #5
    VIP Member Array noway2's Avatar
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    I had a girlfriend in high school who didn't know that Pittsburgh was in Pennsylvania. Her parents went to visit her grandparents in Pittsburgh. My mother said, "Oh, so your parents went to Pennsylvania?" She got a puzzled look on her face and said, "No, my parents went to Pittsburgh." Needless to say, I didn't date her for her brains.

  6. #6
    VIP Member Array joker1's Avatar
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    My BIL used to pull people over and there would be a "language barrier" (no hablo de english or whatever) until he complimented them on their nice boots...
    gasmitty and Secret Spuk like this.
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  7. #7
    VIP Member Array HKinNY's Avatar
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    I am not a LEO but here goes.

    Many years ago Bobby Berlin family. Dad,mom bobby and sister jumping into Rolls Royce to head up to the cabin to go skiing.

    Positions. Mom Dad
    Bobby Sister

    Vehicle is speeding down the highway at 80 mph. State trooper walks up left side of the vehicle. Mom rolls down the window and the ST as for license,reg and ins. What seems to the problem? Ma'am I clocked you speeding 80 mph in a 55 zone. I will give the registration and insurance but I am NOT giving you my license because I was not speeding.

    Ma'am I have been a member of the Highway patrol for blah blah number of years and trained in radar and blah blah.

    That's all great but I was not speeding!!!!

    Ma'am I am going to ask you once again for your license.

    I was not speeding.

    Do you think I am a Moron?

    Ok Trooper where is the steering wheel?

    Trooper looks down a realizes it is a right hand drive.

    Storms around the car to right side. Dad open window and hands his license laughing.

    Trooper stomps back to car and writes ticket hands dad back everything and spins the tire as he pulls away.

    I say she should of handed him her license and beaten the ticket in court.

  8. #8
    Array SIXTO's Avatar
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    "I want your name and badge number!"

    Sure, no problem... I wrote it down for you at the bottom of the ticket/citation/arrest sheet.
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    I reserve the right to make fun, point and laugh etc.

  9. #9
    VIP Member Array Old School's Avatar
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    I'm going to drive my own car home tonight and eat dinner in my own house and sleep in my own bed.

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    Last edited by Old School; November 1st, 2011 at 02:00 PM.
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  10. #10
    Senior Member Array adric22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by noway2 View Post
    My mother said, "Oh, so your parents went to Pennsylvania?" She got a puzzled look on her face and said, "No, my parents went to Pittsburgh." Needless to say, I didn't date her for her brains.
    It is really amazing how many people have no comprehension of geography, even adults. It gets worse if you start talking about a city outside of the USA. Ask somebody to show you on map (without labels) where common countries such as the UK, Australia, Germany, Iraq, Russia, Japan, etc.. it is amazing how many people don't have any idea. If you start talking about actual cities like London, Berlin, Sydney, etc.. it gets even worse. Generally only people who have actually travelled overseas have any idea. And since only like 20% of Americans have passports, that is not very many.
    "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." -Plato

  11. #11
    VIP Member Array Eagleks's Avatar
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    I had a border patrol agent asking me questions when coming back in from Mexico..... and he had my drivers license in his hand..... and he asked me where I was from, I told him "wichita", and he walked a second to the back of the car.

    He came back to the car window, his whole tone and manner had changed negatively , and he asked me " Why does you tag say KANSAS ". I told him, because I live in Kansas. Then he asks sarcastically.... but you told me Wichita ........ he was thinking Wichita Falls, Texas. I told him "read my drivers license"..... and it ended up with him saying he didn't realize there was a Wichita, Ks.
    I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers ---
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  12. #12
    Senior Member Array ntkb's Avatar
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    I have heard it stated on this forum a few times, that you can’t expect cops to know every law, so why would anyone think they should know geography.

  13. #13
    Member Array Zombie57's Avatar
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    On more than one occasion I got the old "I pay your salary!" intimidation tactic, My response was always, "I need to talk to you about that. I'm not getting paid enough to put up with your crap".
    Last edited by SIXTO; November 1st, 2011 at 08:24 AM.
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  14. #14
    VIP Member Array chiefjason's Avatar
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    A friend of my moms was an old school beat cop. Walked the downtown area of Hickory. He responded to a bar fight one night. When he got there a guy was being really belligerent. He moved in to arrest him and the guy pulled a small caliber revolver. The officer laid the barrel of his .44 revolver on the guys nose. The guy started stuttering but manage to get out, "I ain't never seen a gun that big before!" Guess he did not really say much, but it's a great story anyway.

    Same cop caught some kids doing donuts in a cul de sac. Since he knew all of them, and their parents, by name; he sent them home to change clothes and told them to be back in 20 minutes. He told them he would come get them and tell their parents if they did not come back. When they got back he had a bucket of warm soapy water and toothbrushes. They spent the evening on their hands and knees cleaning the rubber off the pavement with toothbrushes.

    The stories from him alone seem to go on forever.
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  15. #15
    VIP Member Array noway2's Avatar
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    I wouldn't want to try this, but a friend once ... got pulled over for speeding. The officer came up to her car and asked for license and registration. She played stupid, pretending to not understand, only speaking to him in her native dialect from Ethiopia. She kept shrugging her shoulders and holding up her empty hands in a "huh, what?" gesture, giving him quizzical looks, while talking in the foreign language. Finally, she said, "Ah, and handed him a magazine, acting all excited, like she finally understood what he wanted". She said you could see the line of red slowly creep up his face. Finally he threw up his hands, stormed off, got back in his car and took off. She said she got the inspiration after watching her cousin pull the same trick in MN.

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