Military Humour I got in an email

This is a discussion on Military Humour I got in an email within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I you are ex-military you will like these. W LIFE IN THE MILITARY On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of ...

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Thread: Military Humour I got in an email

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    Military Humour I got in an email

    I you are ex-military you will like these.

    W




    LIFE IN THE MILITARY



    On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

    The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

    The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

    The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."



    ________________________________



    During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."



    _____________________________



    Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

    "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

    ________________________________



    Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

    Soldier: "Sure, buddy."

    Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"

    "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

    Soldier: "No, SIR!"



    ________________________________



    Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

    A: He'll tell you.



    Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

    A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.



    Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

    A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.



    ______________________________

    An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

    The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

    The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

    ________________________________



    "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

    "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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    Thanks, I needed a few laughs...
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    Oh yes, those are good.
    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

    (Sometimes) "a fight avioded is a fight won." ... claude clay

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    Here are a few from aircrew and maintainers.

    Real writeups in Air Force "781" Aircraft Maintenance Forms, and the "innovative" solutions of Air Force aircraft maintenance technicians:

    Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
    Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

    Problem: "test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
    Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

    Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
    Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

    Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
    Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

    Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
    Solution: "Evidence removed."

    Problem: "Number three engine missing."
    Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

    Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
    Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

    Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
    Solution: Live bugs on order.

    Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
    Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    Problem: IFF inoperative.
    Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

    Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    Solution: That's what they're there for.

    Problem: Airplane flies funny.
    Solution: Advised airplane to be more serious.
    When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
    "Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."

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    A Second Lieutenant and Airman using urinals at the Base Exchange. They finish and the Lieutenant goes to the sink to wash his hands, enlisted man zips up and starts to walk out.

    Lieutenant: "Airman, in OCS they taught us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom."

    Airman: "Sir, in basic training they taught us not to pee on our hands!"
    Freedom doesn't come free. It is bought and paid for by the lives and blood of our men and women in uniform.

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    NRA Life Member

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    Quote Originally Posted by dukalmighty View Post
    Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?

    A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
    True! We have it on good authority that God thinks he's EOD!!
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

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