Holiday Eating Guide

[Steve666]

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy . Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Merry Ho Ho… Have a great holiday season!

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[DefensiveCarry.com]

[WHEC724]

There's a trick to fruit cake, btw.

Slather a slice (or three) in butter, put it in the toaster oven, and toast it until the edges are crisp and the middle is soft. That and a cup of hot coffee on a cold winter morning.

[Hiram25]

There's a trick to fruit cake, btw.

Slather a slice (or three) in butter, put it in the toaster oven, and toast it until the edges are crisp and the middle is soft. That and a cup of hot coffee on a cold winter morning.

This will turn you into a doorstop!

[WHEC724]

This will turn you into a doorstop!

Southern cooking in general will do that. Almost everything I eat has some form of bacon grease in it.

You yankees did manage to get one thing right - scrapple! Yum!

[msgt/ret]

Best guide yet, would drive Dr Oz and the food police totally nuts. Wish I could give it more than one like.

[joker1]

There's a trick to fruit cake, btw.

Slather a slice (or three) in butter, put it in the toaster oven, and toast it until the edges are crisp and the middle is soft. That and a cup of hot coffee on a cold winter morning.

Have to disagree, fruit cake is an abomination. Fruit and cake do not mix. Fruit is fruit and I guess if you wanna put some in a pie that is fine you can have it all, cake should be yellow with chocolate frosting, white, chocolate, or swirled with the decorator (buttercreme) icing none of that damn PC whipped crap. I will allow Mom's lemon cake because the only thing lemon about it is the lemon juice in the glaze that goes on top.

[Ally]

A fruit cake that has been soaking in brandy for 6 weeks is so good. Just opening the foil will get you drunk.

[retsupt99]

Ret's Holiday Eating Guide

(Mrs. Ret is traveling North for 8 days...I'm sacrificing and staying home with the dog.)

1. Remove self from comfortable chair.
2. Pause football game.
3. Walk to kitchen and open frig.
4. Find anything that requires little or no cooking.
5. Grab a beer to wash it down.
6. Repeat cycle as often as necessary...no work for 17 days...answer phone as little as possible...be sure to use hot tub twice daily.

[Bigkahuna]

I missed the part where the single malt Scotch came in!!!!!

[targeting]

I've missed that too.

[Armey]

I have printed your Holiday Eating Guide. Later in January, I will discuss this with my dietician. I think its great and should be considered beyond the holiday season.....