that girl

This is a discussion on that girl within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I had a scenario tonight that I wanted to share and get off my chest. I'll give you the background so you can know the ...

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    Distinguished Member Array INccwchris's Avatar
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    that girl

    I had a scenario tonight that I wanted to share and get off my chest. I'll give you the background so you can know the emotional issues at hand here. A girl I have known literally since the cradle and her friend who I have known since preschool called me tonight. The one I have known my whole life is the one who got away. Her name is Sarah Shes blonde, slim waisted, toned, gifted in the chest, and gorgeous. I proposed to her in fourth grade. Obviously that did not work out so well lol. She has dated her share of weird guys and is dating a guy that seems alright. Except I can not stand him, for obvious reasons.

    The guy even freaking looks like me. We never dated, not for lack of effort on my part, but she told me she loved me once. Granted it was in eighth grade, but I could never get her to admit she said it later on. High school rolled around and we stayed friends, shared our emotional problems with each other. Thenschool ended, she went to collage and I tried to join the Marines. I still talked to her every other night, still had that deep emotional bond with her that I had all throughout our lives. I also drove up to her school to pick her and a friend of both of ours up from ball state. We drove back and I went and hung out with the blondes friend Liz, who is also my friend. Out of the blue, of a day of me acting normal, or what I thought was normal, Liz asked me why I was still in love with Sarah.

    That question floored me. I hadn't considered that there might still be something there until Liz said something. Then I met her 38 year old boyfriend. Mind you she was 20 at the time. He is nice as can be, polite, and courteous, but for some reason I don't trust him. Meeting him got me all kinds of jealous. I don'tknow why it took two people to snap that into my head, but it did. Had liz not said anything I would have been fine. I kind of flipped my lid for about a week or so and have not talked to her in almost 8 months.

    Until she called me tonight that is. I was playing SOCOM 4, enjoying myself, and she calls and next thing I know I am putting my pants on, strapping on my weapon and walking out the door with my coat on, breaking the three dont go stupid rules. I went to downtown Indy, the bar district, at 230 in the morning to pick up my drunk friend and her friend because her boyfriend, brother, and friend flaked on her. I then took her and her friend home, I did offer to take em to Denny's if they wanted to eat something, cause you all know after a rough night of drinking, nothing is better than pancakes. They declined, I took em home.

    Because of how I was hurt by her in the past, I went into my officer vs. suspect mode with both of em. I growled literally the whole way back to her house and I don't know why. I was angry for a solid hour after I dropped them off and don't know why. Can someone please explain why after 8 months of not talking to someone who was only ever in my life as a close friend can suddenly swing me into the complete opposite mood? Or why after not speaking to her after 8 months, I do not even think about what I need, I get in my truck and go to her? I hate the fact that I may still have feelings for her. What do I do.


    Then these questions enter my head.

    After 8 months, what does it say that she still has my number in her phone?

    Why would she call me instead of her parents or trying to wake her boyfriend up?

    Why am I third on the call list, it goes Brother, Boyfriend, Chris. Why am I third and not like 10th?

    Why now out of the eight months of not talking.

    Why did I act like a complete jerk, other than the fact that I opened the door for them?

    Why is it still bothering me?

    Any help you all could provide would be appriciated. This isn't exactly self defense, so mods feel free to move it if need be.
    Last edited by JD; December 23rd, 2011 at 12:45 PM.
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    Distinguished Member Array Chaplain Scott's Avatar
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    Sending you a PM.....
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    Your a man and your thinking with your heart, not your head. Welcome to the wonderful world of women.
    Last edited by archer51; December 23rd, 2011 at 11:01 AM.
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    Senior Member Array Rotorblade's Avatar
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    She called you because she knew you would come, she isn't all that worried about what you might think about her being drunk and she feels safe because she sees you like she sees a big brother. Clearly she has no romantic interests as evidenced by the fact that her friend asked you why you still loved her. That tells me that she discussed your feelings about her with her friend and her friend is attempting to "intervene" on her behalf and broach a subject with you that she isn't comfortable talking to you about directly.
    Watch this video (link below)...........it sort of proves out what I've always believed. Men and women are just wired differently and can never really be "just friends"!


    Viral Video of the Day: Why men and women can't be just friends | syracuse.com
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    Member Array SAR in FL's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rotorblade View Post
    She called you because she knew you would come, she isn't all that worried about what you might think about her being drunk and she feels safe because she sees you like she sees a big brother. Clearly she has no romantic interests as evidenced by the fact that her friend asked you why you still loved her. That tells me that she discussed your feelings about her with her friend and her friend is attempting to "intervene" on her behalf and broach a subject with you that she isn't comfortable talking to you about directly.
    Watch this video (link below)...........it sort of proves out what I've always believed. Men and women are just wired differently and can never really be "just friends"!


    Viral Video of the Day: Why men and women can't be just friends | syracuse.com
    Good answer... And paragraphs are your friend!
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    VIP Member Array sgb's Avatar
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    You're angry at yourself, time to move on.
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    VIP Member Array TedBeau's Avatar
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    Not really sure why this on on this forum, seems like there might be a better plce to discuss this, perhaps a forum devoted to relationships, but since we are talking about it it's something to consider.

    When Liz's girlfriend asked you if you were still in love with Sarah, did it ever cross your mind that perhaps Sarah had asked Liz to ask you that? Perhaps Sarah was wondering if you two had a shot?

    I don't know if that helps, or just adds to your confusion, but it actually sounds like something that one girl might ask another girl to do, although I admit it's kind of high schoolish in a way.

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    VIP Member Array wmhawth's Avatar
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    Advice on these matters is a fair bit outside my area of expertise but I think it's time you got up front with this lady as to exactly how you feel about her. Lay it on the line and find out for sure whether or not there is anything there other than platonic for you to hope for.

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    Ex Member Array MadMac's Avatar
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    You're the throw-away guy. Life changes. You're not in eighth grade anymore. If there was a love interest, you'd already be living la vida loca with your grade-school sweetheat. You would be the one out partying with her downtown. Instead, these chicks know they can simply use you for a doormat because you keep showing up whenever they jingle your phone. They knew you'd be in your house playing video games sober, so they called you for cheap cab service.

    P.S. Dude, they KNOW you have a sexual attraction to them (you can call it "love" if you wish), and that they're happy to play that card if it means a freebie. If Sarah or her friend had reciprocal feelings towards you, you'd know it. You get twisted up and angry over this because you know in your heart you're being used, but you can't seem to muster up the stones to tell her to leave you alone and go find someone who does want to be with you.

    You should have told her you would call a cab for her. She can figure out how to pay the cabbie.

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    Member Array 1911srule's Avatar
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    First off I usually don't respond to this kind of stuff. But you asked so here's my two cents. Suck it up, give her an ultimatum. Either you are boyfriend material or not. No stringing along. If given a weak or negative response wash your hands of her right then. Man up, cut all ties, and find someone else. Get off the video games and get out there! Life is too short pal...
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    VIP Member Array wmhawth's Avatar
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    Man up, cut all ties
    I don't think he needs to cut all ties. He just needs a clear understanding of and an acceptance of what the relationship really is. No point in discarding a lifelong friend just because she doesn't view him romantically.

    Arrghhhh!!! Can't believe I'm posting advice to the lovelorn.
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    First, I moved this thread. It's not a defensive scenario.. it's Oprah in Dr Phil's clothing.

    Second, I can advise in that I was "that girl" to a boy I grew up with. I even gave in in High School and agreed to be his girlfriend only because I felt so sorry for him. The moment I said "Yes" to him I regretted it because I knew I didn't care for him "THAT" way and that going out with him just because I felt sorry for him was not how relationships were supposed to work. He was a really great guy and there was nothing wrong with him and he would have gone to the moon and back for me but he just wasn't the guy for me and not what I needed or wanted.

    As others have said, he was far more of a brotherly type than a boyfriend type and, yes, he was on the "Top three to call" if I were in trouble because I knew he'd be there for me. He would defend me. He would tell me what I needed to hear (not what I wanted) and he was a TRUE friend... still is. He would even be willing/able to chew me out when I did something stupid and I appreciated that honesty.

    Quote Originally Posted by INccwchris View Post
    Then these questions enter my head.

    After 8 months, what does it say that she still has my number in her phone?
    It says she either a) cares about you as a friend or b) wants to get a hold of you when when she needs you or c) that she can't find the "delete" button. Don't read too much into that. I still have phone numbers in my phone for people I haven't talked to in five years. It happens.
    Why would she call me instead of her parents or trying to wake her boyfriend up?
    Because she probably knows that while she'll get a little scolding from you or maybe some attitude she won't get the enth degree like she would from her parents or any pressure from a boyfriend. You are Switzerland. You may have an opinion but in her mind you are neutral and that makes you safe.
    Why am I third on the call list, it goes Brother, Boyfriend, Chris. Why am I third and not like 10th?
    See above..
    Why now out of the eight months of not talking.
    Because she hasn't needed you in the previous eight months.
    Why did I act like a complete jerk, other than the fact that I opened the door for them?
    Because you know where you stand with her.. you are "he's my friend" material and you always will be to the girl you've liked since birth. It stings and it ticks you off. AND you realize that after eight months she only called you because she needed you, not because she wanted to, and, like a love-sick puppy-dog you went and did her bidding. You feel you should be man enough to tell her to go pound sand but you care too much and that makes you pretty crabby.
    Why is it still bothering me?
    See above.
    Any help you all could provide would be appriciated. This isn't exactly self defense, so mods feel free to move it if need be.
    You missed a question: Why did you go to pick her up when you knew you shouldn't?

    Answer: Because you still care for her and a small part of you hopes that if you jump through hoops for her (no matter how stupid or dangerous those hoops may be) she will eventually come around and realize she loves you too and the larger part of you realizes that all bull crap better served for romance novels and you're mad at yourself for letting your heart run away with not only your head but your body, too.
    Several years after High School, after I was married and had a kid and everything.. this boy from High School came to see me and my family. All of us had a great time together and he was a great "uncle" to my son.

    Later, when we were alone my husband said, "Man, I feel horrible. It's really got to hurt him to see you so happy with another man when he loved you for so long for all those years. I wonder what's going through his head."

    Knowing my husband would never ask him, later, while I was driving him to the bus station to be on his way I decided to ask him how it felt to see me with JD and with a kid and how he got over his feelings.

    He said he finally realized that despite how he felt we were far too different, had different standards of wants and needs and that contrary to the advice of pop music songs, love is not all you need. He never liked a lot of the stuff I did and had a much more "traditional" idea of marriage than I'd ever be comfortable with. We were great friends but would NEVER be good partners. I would always feel like I was letting him down or trapped by his ideals and he would always be afraid that one day I wouldn't be able to take the pressure any more and I'd be gone.

    He said he realized that the best way to keep me was to keep me as a friend and to start looking for the woman he needed as a wife and leave the romantic ideals behind. He said seeing me with JD doesn't hurt any more because he sees how much more perfect our union is than a union between himself and I could have ever been.

    A few years later he got married to a very lovely gal and we all went out together and it was so wonderful to see how he so so absolutely in love with her and how perfect she is for him.

    You just have to realize where you stand and let go of whatever you think you had or could have and start looking and concentrating on what you need and what is good for you (personally, professionally, etc).

    Yeah, it's easier said than done but it is possible.

    Don't let yourself be a pawn to some gal.

    There was a time when I would have abused the power I had over my friend. There were times I toyed with him and used him but I feel bad about that and have LONG AGO apologized for what I did and how I used him. He deserved so much more and always was and remains a true friend to me. I respect our friendship.

    If she's willing to just use you when she needs you and not respect you as the friend and support you can truly be you need to cut ties with her. Eventually it might not just be "come pick me up from the bar" but something MUCH worse that could get you in a lot of trouble.

    Doesn't mean you have to be a jerk but you could always offer to call her parents for her or a cab. A few times of doing just that and I guarantee she will stop calling you if her only goal is to use you (which, based on the limited evidence, is how I see it).

    As stated above by others.... stop thinking with your heart. It will get you into a lot of trouble. Never let your emotions dictate what you do because MOST of the time it will get you into big trouble or very awkward situations. Let your head do your thinking and reasoning.

    Eventually, one day, you're head and heart will agree on something and when that happens it's an AWESOME moment because it's when you get to have your cake and eat it too.

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    Ex Member Array barstoolguru's Avatar
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    She treats you like dirt because your actions enable her to.

    Life isn't a romantic comedy movie. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She isn't, because she doesn't want to be, and it would appear she has had ample chances to be. Stop enabling her to treat you the way she does, or next time she doesn't talk to you for 8 months, and calls because she needs help, you will come dashing to her rescue again, and the cycle will repeat. Only you can break that cycle.
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    Always keep the "general orders" firmly implanted in your mind:
    (1) Cheat me once - shame on you, cheat me twice - shame on me.
    (2) A leopard never loses its spots and will always be a leopard regardless of any artificial color it may wear.
    (3) You can change yourself with much effort and willpower, but you can never change anyone else regardless of effort and/or expense.

    You can still remain a "friend" or "brother" to a leopard on occasion as long as you ensure that you're not simply being used; but always remember it's still a leopard and be sure you're wearing your full armor at all times (double-checking to make sure the trap-door in the rear is securly latched as well).
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