Letter to the bank...
This is a discussion on Letter to the bank... within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
The bank manager thought it amusing enough ...
Post By Sheldon J
January 16th, 2012 05:03 PM
Letter to the bank...
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place,
so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
"The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century
January 16th, 2012 05:03 PM
January 16th, 2012 05:12 PM
Wish it really was sent to a bank, any bank... perhaps one "she " and the rest of us bailed out recently... alas.. no such luck... But it certainly is a good read.
Politicians, take note of Colorado 9/10/2013.
"You are elected to service, not power.
Your job is to "serve us" not to lord power over us."
January 16th, 2012 06:56 PM
Saw it; funny but unproven!!
Definitely know how it could go like that though.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
Washington didn't use his freedom of speech to defeat the British, He shot them!
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy." -- Ernest Benn
January 16th, 2012 06:57 PM
Can you say Credit Union?
You can educate ignorance, you can't fix stupid
Retired DE Trooper, SA XD40 SC, S&W 2" Airweight
dukalmighty & Pure Kustom Black Ops Pro "Trooper" Holsters, DE CCDW and LEOSA Permits, Vietnam Vet 68-69 Pleiku