My Wife thinks I have a warped sense of humor

This is a discussion on My Wife thinks I have a warped sense of humor within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND > > After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to > Target. > > Unfortunately, like most ...

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Thread: My Wife thinks I have a warped sense of humor

  1. #1
    Member Array Davensquirt's Avatar
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    My Wife thinks I have a warped sense of humor

    RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND
    >
    > After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
    > Target.
    >
    > Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
    > get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
    > she loves to browse.
    >
    > Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
    > Target:
    >
    > Dear Mrs. Harris,
    >
    > Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
    > our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to
    > ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
    > Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video
    > surveillance cameras:
    >
    > 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
    > people's carts when they weren't looking.
    >
    > 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
    > intervals.
    >
    > 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
    > women's restroom.
    >
    > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
    > voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
    > employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
    > Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
    > management to lose time and costing the company money.
    >
    > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
    > layaway
    >
    > 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
    >
    > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
    > children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
    > blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
    >
    > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
    > crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
    > were called.
    >
    > 9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
    > mirror while he picked his nose.
    >
    > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
    > asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
    >
    > 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
    > humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
    >
    > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
    > by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
    >
    > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
    > he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
    >
    > 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
    > assumed a
    > fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
    >
    >
    > 15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the
    > fitting room was?
    >
    > And last, but not least:
    >
    > 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
    > and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
    >
    > One of the clerks passed out.
    nerdyvirgin likes this.
    Dave
    I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
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    I've done one of those but I'll never tell which one
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  4. #3
    Member Array DanDglassman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by babarock View Post
    I've done one of those but I'll never tell which one
    number 16?

  5. #4
    Member Array Smoke's Avatar
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    #2, 6, 10, 11, and 12. Plus a couple that I ain't gonna talk about. Getting bored has gotten me in more trouble than anything else ever.
    "Come Watson, the game is afoot!"

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    Roflmao.

  7. #6
    VIP Member Array Hiram25's Avatar
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    Yep, your warped! But it is funny.
    Hiram25
    You can educate ignorance, you can't fix stupid
    Retired DE Trooper, SA XD40 SC, S&W 2" Airweight
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