The Royal Navy Type 45's Newly Commissioned
This is a discussion on The Royal Navy Type 45's Newly Commissioned within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, ...
Post By Rock and Glock
January 26th, 2012 02:19 PM
The Royal Navy Type 45's Newly Commissioned
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timid and HMS Apologist.
Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws.
The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal.
The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexual preference and disability.
Sailors will have to work only a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime.
All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the fleet, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and ratings' messes.
The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "rum, sodomy and the lash", so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced with sparkling water.
Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18.
The lash will still be available but only on request.
Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor".
All information on noticeboards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.
Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, and this applies equally to women crew members.
The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.
The Union Flag has already been discarded.
The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
She will glide gently into the water as the band of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People.
Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England's south coast.
The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels".
His final words were "Britannia waives the rules"
"He went on two legs, wore clothes and was a human being, but nevertheless he was in reality a wolf of the Steppes. He had learned a good deal . . . and was a fairly clever fellow. What he had not learned, however, was this: to find contentment in himself and his own life. The cause of this apparently was that at the bottom of his heart he knew all the time (or thought he knew) that he was in reality not a man, but a wolf of the Steppes."
January 26th, 2012 02:38 PM
Awesome... Already stolen and forwarded to all my prior Navy buddies.
“What is a moderate interpretation of [the Constitution]? Halfway between what it says and [...] what you want it to say?” —Justice Antonin Scalia
SIG: P220R SS Elite SAO, P220R SAO, P220R Carry, P226R Navy, P226, P239/.40S&W, P2022/.40S&W; GSR 5", P6.
January 26th, 2012 02:49 PM
Oh yeah. A few of my Brit buddies are getting an email.
'Clinging to my guns and religion
January 26th, 2012 04:40 PM
all hatches on the port ( thats the LEFT, or correct ) side are to be made from metal melted down from evil guns taken from the free (formerlly) British slaves....err, subjects.\
You plug 'em, I plant 'em
...kid can't read at 17 (Garcia/Hunter 1985)
Lack of preparation on your part does not necessarily constitute an emergency on mine
January 26th, 2012 05:45 PM
January 26th, 2012 11:14 PM
A WWII corvette called HMS Pansy sank a Uboat, I bet that annoyed the Master race to no end!
January 27th, 2012 10:51 AM
Don't laugh too hard. The US Navy is not so far behind!
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