Some Irish Pub Jokes.....

Some Irish Pub Jokes.....

This is a discussion on Some Irish Pub Jokes..... within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are ...

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Thread: Some Irish Pub Jokes.....

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array Old School's Avatar
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    Cool Some Irish Pub Jokes.....

    An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness. He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more. The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'
    'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and m...e two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's honour this way.'

    'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'

    Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints. A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers. A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'

    The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.

    'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking for Lent...'


    An Irish Pub Joke...
    An Irish man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So your man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
    Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

    It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

    'So... you've been out drinking again!'

    'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

    'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'



    An Irish Pub Joke...
    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.
    The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another... the Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

    The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting 'Spit it out, ya bloody sod! Spit it out!'

    Happy St. Patrick's Day !

    Regards,

    OS
    "Violence is seldom the answer, but when it is the answer it is the only answer".

    "A nation of sheep breeds a government of wolves".

    http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/


  2. #2
    VIP Member Array Badey's Avatar
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    an Irishman walks out of a bar.
    Though defensive violence will always be a sad necessity in the eyes of men of principle, it would be still more unfortunate if wrongdoers should dominate just men -St. Augustine

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    Senior Member Array DMan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Badey View Post
    an Irishman walks out of a bar.
    That is the best one right there.
    "Gun Free Zones" is where only criminals carry guns.

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    VIP Member Array glockman10mm's Avatar
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    Thanks for postin OS. Nothin like a little laughter.
    Ignorance is a long way from stupid, but left unchecked, can get there real fast.

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    McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.

    "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?"

    "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"

    "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"

    "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
    And you know I could have me a million more friends, and all I'd have to lose is my point of view. -- John Prine (A Good Time)

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    VIP Member Array JoJoGunn's Avatar
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    Irish Sobriety test

    Young Padric McKee staggered out of the Pub and whilst attempting to unlock his motorcar and drive home, an Irish Police Officer walked up to him.

    "Good evenin sir, can I ask if ya hae been a drinkin tonight?"

    "No sir, I haent,"

    " Then ye won't mind a wee sobriety test then?"

    McKee shakes his head no and the Cop motions for his very homely female partner to step forward.

    "So then", pointing to the homely gal "Would ye sleep with me partner?"

    McKee looks at her and without hesitation says "AYE!"

    The Officer looks at his partner and says " Cuff him!"
    "A Smith & Wesson always beats 4 aces!"

    The Man Prayer. "Im a man, I can change, if I have to.....I guess!" ~ Red Green

  7. #7
    JD
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    Just a reminder, keep the jokes family friendly and within forum rules regarding language. If you don't know if your joke meets community standards, don't post it.

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    Driving Home Drunk.

    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

    A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
    "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
    HKinNY and msgt/ret like this.
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    The Irish Declare War On France.

    The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

    "Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

    "Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

    "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

    Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

    "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

    Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

    "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

    Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

    Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

    "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

    Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

    "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no darn way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
    CCW permit holder for Idaho, Utah, Pennsylvania, Maine and New Hampshire. I can carry in your country but not my own.

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