This is a discussion on Quickies within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Quickie #1 One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, ...

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  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array 4my sons's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    Out side of Richmond, VA


    Quickie #1

    One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
    very sexy nightie.

    "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

    So he tied her up and went fishing.

    Quickie #2

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
    into the house.

    She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
    pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

    The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
    mountain stuff?"

    "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

    Quickie #3

    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
    the other is a husband.

    Quickie #4

    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

    First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

    The optician showed him a card with the letters:
    'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

    "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

    "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

    Quickie #5

    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
    must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

    "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of

    Quickie #6

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

    "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
    You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
    Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
    We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE
    They're going to STICK!
    Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
    you're cooking! Never!
    Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
    Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
    Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

    The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
    think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it
    feels like when I'm driving."

    Quickie #7

    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
    Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

    On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
    That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
    That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
    The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years
    "fundamental principle of American law that a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public services, such as police protection, to any individual citizen." [Warren v. District of Columbia,(D.C. Ct. of Ap., 1981)]
    If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand

  2. #2
    VIP Member Array SammyIamToday's Avatar
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    Mar 2006
    Those were great!

    Especially the egg cooking one.

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    Dec 2004
    Away - Health Problems
    veryGood i like the egg one

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array Freedz's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    Western PA
    Im goin with the group here - The egg one is the best! All were great, thanks for posting.

  5. #5
    VIP Member Array ELCruisr's Avatar
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    Apr 2006
    Central FL
    Another vote for the egg.....
    If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good. ~ Thomas J. Watson, Jr.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Array '75scout's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    All funny. I like #s 4 & 5 too.

  7. #7
    VIP Member (Retired Staff) Array P95Carry's Avatar
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    Mar 2005
    South West PA
    Sorry - just gotta add a blonde joke I got today!
    A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
    stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to
    the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar
    immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the
    woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
    just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five

    1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

    2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4 - The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter.

    5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

    Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that
    joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
    "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."

    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  8. #8
    JD is offline
    Array JD's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    Central Iowa
    Now, that is a new one to me, not to many blonde jokes I haven;t heard, thanks fot the chuckle.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Array '75scout's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    Good one Chris.

  10. #10
    VIP Member Array swiftyjuan's Avatar
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    May 2006
    Madera, CA
    Room for one more blonde joke?

    Two blondes are setting on a park bench in California. One blonde says "Do you think it is farther to the moon or Miami?"

    The other blonde says"DUH! Can you see Miami?"
    Assault is a behavior, not a device.

    "Don't never take no shortcuts." Patty Reed, Donner Party

    Lifetime NRA member

  11. #11
    Distinguished Member Array dimmak's Avatar
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    Feb 2006
    as a husband, I feel your pain....
    "Ray Nagin is a colossal disappointment" - NRA/ILA Executive Director Chris W. Cox.

    "...be water, my friend."

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