As requested by SUNTZU....Military Stories

As requested by SUNTZU....Military Stories

This is a discussion on As requested by SUNTZU....Military Stories within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I'll start it. Back in Africa, we had a PX with large block letters on the roof that read... "RE-UP ARMY" Someone got up there ...

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    Senior Member Array Zsnake's Avatar
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    As requested by SUNTZU....Military Stories

    I'll start it. Back in Africa, we had a PX with large block letters on the roof that read...

    "RE-UP ARMY"

    Someone got up there one night and re-arranged them to read...

    "UP MY REAR".
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    Senior Member Array sigs's Avatar
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    The destroyer on which I was stationed did lots of drug interdiction ops in the Caribbean back in the 80s. One night we came across a sailboat in the middle of nowhere and there was no answer to our calls by radio or loudhailer so we just sort of maintained way alongside all night. Finally, just after sunrise we saw a guy amble out from his cabin obviously barely awake, rubbing his eyes and buck-naked. Drowsy with sleep, he never turned our way and went to the opposite side of his boat commenced to urinate over the side. Towards the end of his 'process' you could see him kind of cocking his head like he sensed something. Slowly he turned his head and of course what he sees is this humongous haze gray warship hulking right behind his bare butt and a bunch of laughing sailors. You can imagine his shock and what a look on that poor man's face! Well, gladly, he was just an innocent guy traveling the Carib and after an inspection by the Coast Guard unit attached to our ship we sent him on his way. With pants on.

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    VIP Member Array suntzu's Avatar
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    OK, I know this is mean but it happened 25 years ago or so. We had a soldier who was a complete idiot. Won't go into all of the things he did. But he was hated by the other junior enlisted. Anyway, we got him chaptered out of the army. Being in Korea at the time he had to fly out of Osan AB to the states for final clearing. Well, twice he was escorted to the AB and both times he got bumped from the flight. So finally we got permission to put him on a civilian flight out of Kimpo. We had an alert that morning so the CO said it was OK to put him on a bus to Seoul w/o escort. Well, 7 hours later I find myself in a Korean police dept. getting my soldier out of jail(I was his NCOIC) who looked like he got the crap beat out of him (done by the Korean police) Evidently some of his buddies went to the airfield and had a crew chief cut out a metal sillouette of a handgun and put it in the bottom of his carry on. Now remember this is Korea, 1988 or so and a week after a there a small bomb went off at the airport. The Korean police were not amused!!!!! I guess it is only funny if it didn't happen to you

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    Distinguished Member Array bigmacque's Avatar
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    I took a trip to Sicily with my Reserve unit one year, and one of my troops really didn't want to work in the kitchen as a cook so he asked me if he could learn the storeroom job. I was fine with that; not everyone is cut out to be a military chef.

    We got to Sicily and I explained that request to the dining hall supervisor who readily agreed, and then asked me to go introduce myself to his storeroom clerk and explain the situation. I went back to the storeroom and lo and behold, the clerk is a guy I had worked with on active duty in Korea, Jeff was his name, and I had trained him to be a storeroom clerk so I knew he knew his stuff. He was happy to help and happy to have some extra hands for two weeks, the deal was sealed.

    Then I explained some details to him: I told him my Reserve troop was a little hard of hearing, so you had to talk a little loud for him to hear, and to please understand if he talks loud back because he just doesn't understand whether you can hear him or not.

    I go back to our meeting with the Reserve guys and tell my Reserve troop the good news: it's all set, he'll spend his two weeks getting storeroom training and won't have to worry about the kitchen. He was really happy to hear this, so I explained some details to him: I told him the storeroom clerk was an old friend, a guy I had trained, and that he was going to be in good hands, but ..... he was a little hard of hearing, so you had to talk real loud so he can hear you, and please understand that he doesn't realize how loud he talks when he's talking to you.

    I took the Reserve guy to the storeroom, hollered out: "Jeff, this is Jeff" (the reservists name was Jeff also) and turned around and walked out. Those two guys yelled at each other for what seemed like an hour before they figured it out.
    RMS, sigs, DMan and 7 others like this.
    I'm in favor of gun control -- I think every citizen should have control of a gun.
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    Member Array GhostRed7's Avatar
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    While on patrol in Haiti as part of the UN, we were basically "glorified police" as we were on a peace-keeping mission. Due to this, our normal patrol and ROE had us with our masks inside of a footlocker kept in the back of the HMMWV. There was a jail riot at the Port-Au-Prince prison, which we were going to investigate. First off....if you never served/been to Haiti, there were trash piles and tires on fire ALL THE TIME there, so billowing clouds of smoke around the city were commonplace. I digress...
    We get back to the prison and like always we were seeing trash piles on fire. Sitting there in convoy waiting on further orders we were all like "Man...that's some strong smoke today." "Ya it is." "Oh shucks....that's CS gas....get the masks." .....and we proceded to DIG out our masks while sucking tear gas. Come to find out the prison guards had thrown the gas to control the riot at the prison. Afterwords we thought it was funny as hell.

    2d story, same deployment... We had a weapons amnesty program...so people would bring AKs to us for turn in...carrying by the butt-stock with no threatening action and it had a tag on it. One day while near a church down the road from the palace....we were set up for an OP and some guys came to "turn in their weapons." We were already trained on them, but not hot. The guys decided to raise the weapons at us as if they were going to open fire. The gunner on my HMMWV spun the turret around and charged the handle on our M2 .50 cal....I've never seen grown men drop an object so fast in my life + one of them peed theirself. It was epic even though you i could of turned coal into a diamond I was clenching so hard LOL. 6-7 AKs being levelled towards you = a little nerve wracking.
    "Sir, could you please not bleed so much? I have to clean the store after they haul you off and I'd like the rest of my shift, to be, like, you know, better."

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    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    Underway outta Pearl Harbor ......on nuclear power (that's for you doodle).... My first underway on my first sub command. I'm on the bridge stationed as lookout/M60 with the CO, the OOD, and the phone talker/M16. We had just cleared the channel entrance and were turning towards our dive point. In front of us was a HUGE catamaran....... a 'tourist' tour boat that was in our 'lane'. I called it out and the OOD began hailing her on the radio asking her course, speed, intentions, blah, blah, blah. The skipper of the twin-hull acknowledged and changed his course to give us room...... a 688 fast-attack sub is a great warship, but they don't turn 'on a dime', especially on the surface.

    Well, we sped up to open distance to the sailboat, as we passed alongside, about a dozen or so ladies came around to watch our submarine pass and...... bless each and every one of their hearts.....they proceeded to remove their bikini tops, waving, and 'showing' their 'support for the troops' (Mind you, this is ten or so years before 9/11). I didn't know what to say..... this was my very first underway..... Without thinking and giggling slightly I reported "Contact, friendlies, port side, relitive bearing two six zero, CPA (closest point of approach) time MARK" The Captain just chuckled and without missing a beat ordered "All hands on the bridge, wave to the beautiful tax-payers" and went below. I loved Pearl!

    What a way to start a career.......
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    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

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    VIP Member Array dukalmighty's Avatar
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    I was a USAF Security Cop,one night we get a call from the K9 unit in the Tactical Aircraft Parking Area"TAPA" to meet him at a certain pad number,so we cruise over there and at that time our fighters were F4 Phantoms,It was a little cold out and after we pulled up we asked him what his location was,he came back on the radio with "LOOK UP" He is in the Pilot Seat and his K9 is in the WSO seat both looking down at us.Somehow he decided it would be a good idea to get out of the cold weather by opening the F4 canopies and putting his K9 in the back then he climbed in the fromt and closed the canopies,he couldn't find the switch inside to open them back up.I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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    VIP Member Array suntzu's Avatar
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    I was about to change my avatar and it brought back another funny. The acft in the avatar is a OV-1D (or RV-1D). Two seater, ejection seat, acft used for ELINT, SLAR and photo mission. Two crew. Pilot on left. TO on right(Technical observer,the guy running the recon stuff). One set of controls except for trainers. They have controls on both sides.

    OK, 1991. Training flight from Korea to Iwakuni in Japan. I was an E5 Sergeant. Pilot let me takeoff and fly the whole way since we took the trainer. We land and the enlisted marines came over expecting an OV-10 Bronco (happens all the time). Well, I take my mask off, hand them my flight bag and helmet and climb down. They see my Rank on my flight suit and they were in shock. They said they didn't know enlisted could be pilots in the army. I said of course they can.....to make this better, the pilot, a CW2 grabbed my hat which was still on the ejection seat and put it on when he climbed down. Now they think two Sergeants were in charge of the acft.
    Last edited by suntzu; April 12th, 2012 at 02:01 PM.

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    Senior Member Array Zsnake's Avatar
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    Great stories all of you. Keep 'em comin'.

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    Early in my military life, I resided in Dormitory type baracks (individual rooms, two to a room). There were regs prohibiting bringing the opposite sex to your room for entertainment. Directly across from our Dormitory, was an exact building, except it was set up with offices. There was a sidewalk running between the two buildings, leading to a parking lot which was used for the Airmans Club, only about a half block from our Dormitory. It seems that the Security Police on this particular stateside base, received word, that folks in our Dormitory (honest it wasn't myself and my roommate) were bringing ... cough cough... "unauthorized female visitors" back to our rooms from the Airmans Club. Word got back to us (myself and my roommate ) that the SP's were going to conduct surveillance of the sidewalk, in an attempt to catch us bringing the "unauthorized female visitors" back to our rooms, and would perform a "bust" to catch us "in action". They staked out the 2nd story corner office in the office building, looking down onto the sidewalk. Well, my roommate and I, borrowed some female attire, from our lady friends, and when the Airmans Club closed on a Saturday night, my roomie changed into the female attire and we proceeded arm in arm across the parking lot, down the sidewalk, and into our room in the Dormitory. We turned the light on in our room (1st floor, window facing the sidewalk), closed the blinds/drapes, left the light on for about 5 minutes, then cut it off, sat down at our desks in the room and proceeded to wait. I do give the SP's credit, they gave us enough time, IF we had been of the male/female persuasion, to be in a compromising situation. The next thing I know, they were POUNDING on our door yelling "Security Police, OPEN UP". We turned the light on, so it could be seen under the crack in the door in the hallway where the SP's were. I hollered "Just a second". Well, this resulted in more pounding on the door and more commands to open up. I opened the door and in charged four SP's with that "I gotcha now smirk on their faces"...However, My roomie was sitting at the desk, his wig laying on the desk, his dress hiked up so that his socks and shoes showed, and a coke in his hand, laughing like crazy. I was doubled up on my bed, rolling with laughter, tears streaming down my face. Needless to say, we didn't ingratiate ourselves very much with the SP's on base. Luckily, we had a good SP friend, who had tipped us off in the first place, that kept us outa trouble...I still look back and get cracked up at the looks on the faces of the four SP's when they realized they had been had!!!!
    goldshellback and msgt/ret like this.
    Sometimes in life you have to stand your ground. It's a hard lesson to learn and even most adults don't get it, but in the end only I can be responsible for my life. If faced with any type of adversity, only I can overcome it. Waiting for someone else to take responsibility is a long fruitless wait.

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    VIP Member Array dukalmighty's Avatar
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    We had Areas that were Priority "A",Dual fenceline with pressure sensors,Everytime we got a FNG we would break him in by telling him about "East End Charlie",supposedly a German Fighter Pilot that crash landed nearby and was burnt alive in the wreckage,then we would tell him about all the things that have happened on base that we attributed to this "Ghost".eventually they would get "Post #9" a Guard tower in the "WSA" Weapon Storage Area, Not the Regular type of bombs.We would be on a 11-7 shift and about 3-4 am after chow break this one Sergeant would decide it's time,the Sentry would be watching the external perimeter so he would slowly move into position from the Entry Control Point.Once under the Tower he would climb the steel structure til he reached the external cat walk,at that point he would crawl on it til he was at the door.Then he would pound on the door and then duck back under the tower.The Landline would light up and we would hear "hey something was banging on my door" but I couldn't see anybody,we would ask him are you sure,with a response laced with a few GD's a MF's.
    A little later Sarge would bang on the door again,we would see the guard come running out and circle the tower but find nothing.another round of verbal exchanges and the ART team would run over and tell him we don't see anything in the vicinity,while Sarge is under the tower.The 3rd series of knocks and the guy is seeing and hearing all kinds of stuff,were telling him it must be east end charlie etc.A little later Sarge shows up and says that little SOB chambered a round in his M16.
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    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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    Ex Member Array barstoolguru's Avatar
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    Want a story.. Here is one. When I was in Korea back in 1977 on of the guys went down town and brought back a case of the crabs. That bad little bugger spread like wild fire. When you share a bathroom with 300 men you share everything. the army for some reason never spends money on good insecticide and all we had was some left over ww2 seven dust and one of those big pump duster like you seen on the godfather in the garden scene. All three floors of an open barracks got a dusting and I mean everything beds, lockers, footlockers and the bathroom. The smell lasted for months. Needless to say the random spot inspection were few and far in between

  13. #13
    Senior Member Array DMan's Avatar
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    These should be published! And I don't mean on a internet forum.
    "Gun Free Zones" is where only criminals carry guns.

  14. #14
    Member Array scott625's Avatar
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    A friend of mine in Iraq was assigned as an advisor. Apparently in Iraq they squat when they poop. Unfortunately, American style porta potties were delivered to them. My friend saw an Iraqi soldier go in, heard some noise and the guy came out blue and smelly up to his chest.

    This book has a lot of amusing anecdotes too. God Willing: My Wild Ride With the New Iraqi Army
    *By Eric Navarro

    God Willing: My Wild Ride With the New Iraqi Army - Eric Navarro - Google Books
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    I don't have to tell other vets this but if any civies are reading this one of the most important things on a long deployment is the mail. Those letters and care packages from home are really important to everyone, not just yourself. People love to share the goodies when they come and you love to get a share when your buddies get stuff. OK on to my story:

    I was deployed to Somalia for an extended time on the USS Tripoli. After a couple of months there we settled into a routine of pulling in close to the shore during flight ops to reduce the over the water flight time for the aircrews. We'd get as close as a 1/2 mile or so from shore and usually not more than 1 1/2 miles away.

    One day when in close and in full view of the beach/airport we got the call that the Pony Express (mail) helo was lifting off and was inbound to the ship. The mail was so special that EVERYBODY who was allowed on the flight deck would show up and help unload the helo so the mail could be delivered as fast as humanly possible.

    About 50 of us were standing there watching the helo go feet wet and motor inbound. As we stood there we went from expectant to horrified when we saw the helo spout a huge puff of smoke from it's Starboard side engine (CH46). The CH46 lost an engine and to lighten the weight they started throwing (our precious) bags of mail into the ocean, about 20 of the big ones. We all stood there in horror as the helo limped back to shore and made a forced landing just short of the airport. All of those sacks of mail were floating on the half mile of ocean between us and shore. We were devastated.

    To the Captain's credit he rang out the man overboard drill and launched the S.A.R. whaleboat. They went out and rescued all the mail that they could (most of it). In the end our mail was soggy but it got delivered.

    The aircrew that threw the mail in the ocean didn't come back to the ship for about a week to give the ship's company time to cool off so that they didn't get whooped.

    ETA: This was in the days before E-mail and family grams.
    It is surely true that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Nor can you make them grateful for your efforts.

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