How 'Not' to shoot people - the backward question (Gecko45 Sattire)

This is a discussion on How 'Not' to shoot people - the backward question (Gecko45 Sattire) within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; This is meant to be a Sunday Sattire attempt. Asking the question a-backwards, since all of the Gecko45s would immediately tell you 'how to' shoot ...

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    How 'Not' to shoot people - the backward question (Gecko45 Sattire)

    This is meant to be a Sunday Sattire attempt.

    Asking the question a-backwards, since all of the Gecko45s would immediately tell you 'how to' shoot somebody, (add any scenerio at your harts content - wilder the better).......

    Use your best Gecko45 immitation to tell us ignorant heathen how 'not' to shoot someone.

    Sattire starting with 'There I waz.....' earns extra points.........

    Have at it...............
    Socialism Kills! Time proven, with a very large body count! We are a Constitutional Republic....... not a Democracy, get it correct!

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  3. #2
    VIP Member Array Badey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ANGLICO View Post
    This is meant to be a Sunday Sattire attempt.

    Asking the question a-backwards, since all of the Gecko45s would immediately tell you 'how to' shoot somebody, (add any scenerio at your harts content - wilder the better).......

    Use your best Gecko45 immitation to tell us ignorant heathen how 'not' to shoot someone.

    Sattire starting with 'There I waz.....' earns extra points.........

    Have at it...............
    There I waz... patrolling the mall, keeping an eye on the shoppers, although they weren't keeping an eye on me, since I was decked out in my "mall pattern" camo and was virtually invisible to all but the most discerning students of ninjitsu. That's when I noticed the signs of a brewing gang war. The Crips were near the food court, getting some Sbaro pizza, and loading their clips for their mac-10s (that's right, I said clips, all of you "magaine" guys don't know crap). The Bloodz were down by the arcade, playing Silent Scope 3, in a futile attempt to beat my perfect score.

    I heard on my police scanner, complete with lash mic and frequency scrambler, that SWAT had been called to be on standby in case the inevitable happened. After the Crips finished their pizza and filled their clips to capacity, they made their way down toward the arcade, but little did they know that I was watching them...

    SWAT arrived just before the shots began to ring out. I decided that since I had personally trained most of the members of SWAT, not just this particular team, but ALL members of ALL SWAT teams ANYWHERE, that I would let them handle this... after all, they had been trained by the best.

    50 Crips began unloading on the 75 Bloodz simultaneously, but the Bloodz responded by pulling out their M-243 SAWs that they had concealed in their baggy pants (no wonder they were sagging). Lead was flying everywhere!

    SWAT responded by opening fire on all gang members. They deployed their MP5s, which are the worst weapons in the world... I tried to convince them to use something more dependable, but alas, they are set in their ways.... Anyway, as I said, they deployed their MP5s, but to my dismay, they were firing on semi-auto!!!! That is NOT how you handle this kind of situation!!! They should have used full auto, and sprayed as much lead at the gangbangers and innocent civilians as they could!!!

    I couldn't take it anymore! I had to show SWAT how it is done! I grabbed to AA-12s, and an M-60 (to go with my twin glock 18s, and my S&W 500 ankle carry gun). I double checked my quadruple trauma plate sandwich that I had duct taped to my chest, and jumped into action. By the time the smoke cleared, all of the BGs were swimming in pools of blood, that is the ones that could still swim. SWAT just stood there in awe of what I had done. I think several members of the team wanted to ask for my autograph, but were too dumbfounded by my greatness.

    The governor's wife and daughter were there that day, IN THE ARCADE! They were playing Skeeball... Had I not acted when I did, they surely would have been killed. The governor invited me over for dinner, gave me a medal, and personally asked me to marry his daughter. You won't read about this in any paper. The governor is a powerful man, and he doesn't want to public to know that SWAT dropped the ball in the way they responded (you know, the whole semi-auto thing...). He arranged for the press to bury the story... He also arranged for the mall to be completely repaired before it opened the next day... Also, all of the witnesses have been sworn to secrecy. I may even be breaking his confidence by posting this, but he will forgive me, since I may be his son-in-law someday.

    Remember, when danger is afoot, I'm there, in my "mall pattern" camo, keeping you safe... until next time... Gecko45
    "My problem with life is not that it is rational nor that it is irrational, but that it is almost rational." - G.K. Chesterton

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    VIP Member Array Harryball's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Badey View Post
    There I waz... patrolling the mall, keeping an eye on the shoppers, although they weren't keeping an eye on me, since I was decked out in my "mall pattern" camo and was virtually invisible to all but the most discerning students of ninjitsu. That's when I noticed the signs of a brewing gang war. The Crips were near the food court, getting some Sbaro pizza, and loading their clips for their mac-10s (that's right, I said clips, all of you "magaine" guys don't know crap). The Bloodz were down by the arcade, playing Silent Scope 3, in a futile attempt to beat my perfect score.

    I heard on my police scanner, complete with lash mic and frequency scrambler, that SWAT had been called to be on standby in case the inevitable happened. After the Crips finished their pizza and filled their clips to capacity, they made their way down toward the arcade, but little did they know that I was watching them...

    SWAT arrived just before the shots began to ring out. I decided that since I had personally trained most of the members of SWAT, not just this particular team, but ALL members of ALL SWAT teams ANYWHERE, that I would let them handle this... after all, they had been trained by the best.

    50 Crips began unloading on the 75 Bloodz simultaneously, but the Bloodz responded by pulling out their M-243 SAWs that they had concealed in their baggy pants (no wonder they were sagging). Lead was flying everywhere!

    SWAT responded by opening fire on all gang members. They deployed their MP5s, which are the worst weapons in the world... I tried to convince them to use something more dependable, but alas, they are set in their ways.... Anyway, as I said, they deployed their MP5s, but to my dismay, they were firing on semi-auto!!!! That is NOT how you handle this kind of situation!!! They should have used full auto, and sprayed as much lead at the gangbangers and innocent civilians as they could!!!

    I couldn't take it anymore! I had to show SWAT how it is done! I grabbed to AA-12s, and an M-60 (to go with my twin glock 18s, and my S&W 500 ankle carry gun). I double checked my quadruple trauma plate sandwich that I had duct taped to my chest, and jumped into action. By the time the smoke cleared, all of the BGs were swimming in pools of blood, that is the ones that could still swim. SWAT just stood there in awe of what I had done. I think several members of the team wanted to ask for my autograph, but were too dumbfounded by my greatness.

    The governor's wife and daughter were there that day, IN THE ARCADE! They were playing Skeeball... Had I not acted when I did, they surely would have been killed. The governor invited me over for dinner, gave me a medal, and personally asked me to marry his daughter. You won't read about this in any paper. The governor is a powerful man, and he doesn't want to public to know that SWAT dropped the ball in the way they responded (you know, the whole semi-auto thing...). He arranged for the press to bury the story... He also arranged for the mall to be completely repaired before it opened the next day... Also, all of the witnesses have been sworn to secrecy. I may even be breaking his confidence by posting this, but he will forgive me, since I may be his son-in-law someday.

    Remember, when danger is afoot, I'm there, in my "mall pattern" camo, keeping you safe... until next time... Gecko45
    Dude that was so Gecko its not funny.....NICE....
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    Don"t let stupid be your skill set....

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    VIP Member Array oakchas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Harryball View Post
    Dude that was so Gecko its not funny.....NICE....
    Beat me to it! too well practiced! We now know that the real gecko is amongst us!
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    Rats!
    It could be worse!
    I suppose

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    Quote Originally Posted by Badey View Post
    Remember, when danger is afoot, I'm there, in my "mall pattern" camo, keeping you safe... until next time... Gecko45
    You ought'a clean that up a tad, you know, a few expletives and such and submit that to the Amazon Kindle publishing service. You could rake in at least...oh, $.99 maybe. Other than that, not bad for 5 minutes of typing.
    Richard, SFC US Army (Ret)

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    Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!” ― Patrick Henry

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    Member Array Grantspastor's Avatar
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    Badey!!! You're my hero man! I know that you deflect attention away from yourself, and the praise that rightfully should be heaped upon you for your bravery, preferring to stay "anonymous" (As it were, the "grey man" ...acutally wearing full camo) Was that you deliberately taking .308 rounds into the quadrupleded-up trauma plates so that your less-experienced partner could maneuver into position to deploy his Hi-Point carbine? The sheep-like shoppers in the mall were of course oblivious to the danger they were in. At least the Governor recognized what you did. I'm surprised that the Governors of nearby states aren't also asking you to marry their daughters as well!!!?

    I'm not surprised that SWAT responded anemically. After all they only have to "go in" occasionally...whereas you are "in it" from dawn til dusk on most days (Maybe even til 9:30-10:00 PM on some days)

    Hopefully, with a few more years of experience they will become more dependable, and you will be able take that "much needed" afternoon off. Until then, I know that I sleep much better knowing that you and your police scanner are "on duty"

    By the way, even though most sheep never even see you in your "Mall Pattern" camo....I saw you...vigilant as always at your "post" in the food court right between the hot sauce counter at Taco Frenzy, and the pick-up line at Chicken Licken. (This of course as you and I know, is the ideal position tactically to intercept both the Cripps constantly streaming out of Movie theater, and the Bloods who seem to have "staked out" the area adjacent to the Piercing Pagoda. (Not to mention the occasional pervert looking for the Mayor's Nephew) If only they would have listened to your warnings concerning the danger constantly present in the Mall

    You are the only Spec Ops operator I have ever seen that can fire the M-60 with your right hand, while taking out the one sneaking up behind you with the other. I have to say, your idea of using a bicycle helmet with a rear-view mirror attached for sighting with your off hand was truly innovative and ingenious. I'm amazed that you learned to shoot so accurately with the mirror in such a short time. It seemed like as soon as you conceived the idea, you were already qualifying "expert". Not many can hit a man-sized target at 200 yards shooting backwards with your off hand using a 3" barrelled pistol. At first I didn't understand how you did it...that is until you explained your idea of tripling the powder charge in your "special" handloads in order to create a visible supersonic "shockwave" as the bullet goes downrange. This of course allows you to make corrections in hold-over during the stress (although it isn't stressful to you) of combat when multiple attackers are assaulting you head-on...with others sneaking up on you from behind.

    I ask the obvious question. "Where would we be today without bicycle rear-view mirrors??
    Last edited by Grantspastor; June 18th, 2012 at 08:10 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Harryball View Post
    Dude that was so Gecko its not funny.....NICE....
    Twins separated at birth, perhaps?
    CCW permit holder for Idaho, Utah, Pennsylvania, Maine and New Hampshire. I can carry in your country but not my own.

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    Member Array IronMike's Avatar
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    I have actually met Gecko45... We met at the C.I.A.s training grounds known to those of us in the Trade as The Farm.He had agreed to be a live target,in order to teach us Black Helicopter crews/gunners how to lead a moving target.Despite the enormous amount of body armor and duct tape and the ever present XXL Orange Juilus,he moved like a wraith.
    After we wasted 5 cans of belted 7.62 we gave up,went to the Club where he began to drink us under the table.
    Most of the training tips are now offically classified,but its near impossible to hide a LEGEND!
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    I used to have some rare footage of gecko making Chuck Norris hand wash his delicates....... in a gown. I will see if this is still available .........

    Sent from my DROID RAZR
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    Ex Member Array Doodle's Avatar
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    Sixto could outshoot Gecko45 left handed!

  12. #11
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    Of course my real name is not Gecko 45. It is an alias/nickname. Most of us operators and spec ops guys use nicknames. Gecko means I can blend in completely regardless of surroundings (I virtually disappear from sight in my Mall Camo). I challenge anyone to see me!!! You can't! The .45 part of my nickname/alias comes from the .45 ACP which is the caliber of my Hi-Point tactical pistol. Mall security managers don't presently allow us to carry a firearm. As soon as this ignorant policy is changed, I will never be without it. I am saving up right now to buy a Super Tuck beluxe. Only criminals and lowlifes carry in the waistband of their baggy pants. As those "in-the-know" understand, the Hi=Point .45 ACP is the best tactical pistol ever designed. There are people (many of them) who would harm me if they knew my real name. While I am not afraid of anyone in a fair fight, I cannot count on them to fight fairly. Because of this, I have decided to sew some ceramic plates into my pajamas...especially the groin area. The chances of catching me asleep and "out of it" is very small, but a person like me can take no chances. I function very well on about 1 hour of sleep per week. I have trained myself to sleep so deeply for one hour that I wake up rested and ready...

    Did you catch what I just said? I sleep only one hour per week. It's up to the bad guys to guess which hour that is...

    The rest of the time I keep watch over things at the mall. I especially watch the food court. A lot of our problems occur in the food court. Just yesterday a young hoodlum tried to cut in line ahead of a little old lady who was placing an order at Taco Frenzy. A couple of well-placed blows from my collapsible baton took the fight right out of him. Of course I take no pleasure in having to enforce the food court rules

    We are about to deploy our new rapid=response vehicle. To the untrained eye it may look like a golf cart, but that is only to the untrained eye. We call it the C.R.A.P.P.E.R. which is an acronym for Command Recon Assaut Peronnel Patrol Egress Rover. I am especially proud of the hidden compartments I designed that each hold 10,000 round of .45 Acp (which is the finest anti-personnel round ever designed, when fired from the Hi-Point pistol.) I can hardly wait until my security team actually gets to carry them...

    I am currently working on installing a GPS system in the C.R.A.P.P.E.R. This will allow SWAT (in the rare instance we need help) to know our exact location. We also are working on a turbocharger for the C.R.A.P.P.E.R. This will allow us to cover the distance between the Piercing Pagoda, and Chicken Lickin in less than 3 minutes

    I wish SWAT was more dependable. Sometimes I feel the weight of my responsinbility. All I can say is, it's a good thing I'm on duty..
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    Quote Originally Posted by Doodle View Post
    Sixto could outshoot Gecko45 left handed!
    Of course he can. Who did you think taught Gecko45 everything he knows? While the great mall ninja's are are born with the basic knowledge, it takes a true Ninja Master like SIXTO to hone those skills.

    BTW, the reason you haven't seen SIXTO posting lately, is he's running another Advanced Mall Ninja class. But don't fear, he's keeping a watchful eye over us.
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    Member Array Grantspastor's Avatar
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    No one gets to be a finely tuned, razor sharp, fighting machine like me without a lot of practice. It takes a considerable investment of time and money to hone shooting and fighting skills...especially when they are put to the test almost daily in life or death scenarios. Most people have NO IDEA what goes on behind the scenes at the mall. Most sheep see a happy, bustling, light-hearted crowd shopping for new underwear, or a new cell phone cover. I see the dark underbelly. I see the thieves. I see the perverts. I see the gangs. I see the murderers just waiting to pick a new helpless victim. NOT ON MY WATCH!.

    I generally fire 10,000 rounds per week through my Hi-Point sidearm in practice sessions. These are not average high performance defensive rounds. These are my special handloaded rounds. I TRIPLE the recommended maximum powder charge. When fired...if I squint my eyes just right, I can see a sort of supersonic vapor trail. This is preferable over normal tracer rounds because of the indoor fire danger. During a firefight this allows me to make slight windage or elevation changes.

    The majority of these rounds are fired using my off hand and backup pistol. I have trained myself to multitask when fighting. My strong hand is used for engaging enemies in front. Usually this means my .45 ACP Hi Point (Which came from the custom shop, and is capable of MOA accuracy at 100 yards) It could also mean using any number of other full auto weapons...or even my .338 Lapua sniper rifle.

    My off or "weak" (in my case, it's not "weak") hand is used for firing my .380 backup pistol at enemies behind me. I do this using a bicycle rear-view mirror attached to my kevlar helmet. I have trained my non-dominant eye to concentrate on threats behind, and my dominant eye to look at threats ahead.

    There are people who think that the .380 is not much of a combat round. Well, let me tell you...with triple the maximum poweder charge there is nothing weak about that round.

    I also practice with my shotgun. Those guys on TV who think they are hot stuff because they can throw 8 clay targets in the air and shoot them all before they hit the ground would be pretty embarrassed if they saw how I practice. I not only throw 8 clay targets into air and shoot them all before they hit the ground, I also simultaneously roll 8 along the ground and hit them too. Four are rolling to my left, and the other four are rolling to my right. I find this routine helpful in preparing for large groups of armed killers running in all directions. Large groups of armed killers seem to be the norm now. I actually believe it is a strategic or tactical model being taught to younger gang members. The average policeman or swat member would tend to be confused by this behaviour. Let me tell you, this diligence has saved my life and the lives of other helpless potential victims many times already this week.

    The recent focus of my security team has been to incorporate all of these training techniques together with deploying the new C.R.A.P.P.E.R vehicle. It is not as easy as you think driving and shooting at the same time. When the decision comes from "higher up" to let us begin to actually carry our weapons, we will be good to go

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    Wish this guy had still been around when I joined the forum.
    As we used to teach in the spook business, carry a 25 if it makes you feel good, but do not ever load it. If you load it you may shoot it. If you shoot it you may hit somebody, and if you hit somebody - and he finds out about it - he may be very angry with you. -- Jeff Cooper

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