This is a discussion on Why are men such jerks? within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Originally Posted by Bardo "(sob) I'm just too pretty!" Really? That just sounds ridiculous. I know what she's going through since I was born with ...
I don't disagree with anything in your post, in fact, the underlying message that was implied by my post was directed at the female in question by way of a suggestion for a change in her lifestyle... Not knowing her personally I did not want to insinuate that she was a party girl or gold digger, but I thought, if she wasn't a religious person that it might be a good time to find some and see if that doesn't help her cause. It's true that some pretty bad folks can crop up from within the religious community, but that can and will happen within any congregation of people, so she'll have to roll the dice like the rest of us did. I whole hartley agree that she needs to take a good long look at her clothing choices and especially her drinking habits while out on the town, but I'll say equally that, she shouldn't have to dumb herself down or avoid the fun things in life just to attract a mate worthy of marriage.
Guys can be real pigs sometimes and so can females for that matter, but where the first encounter takes place can somewhat elude to the individuals personality IMO. Whether that's true or not I have no idea, but imo if you go to bar and pick up a date, then find yourself going home with said date, well, need I say more. Now for any that find that statement offensive; please excuse my use of such a broad brush, and for the record I have partaken in this behaviour as a young man, hence, I feel I have some sense of what I'm saying on the subject..
Anyway, IMO, finding the love of your life needs all the help it can get in this day and age. Marriage stats have been on the decline for several years now, and the bond between two people can really be put to the test. IMO, the search has only gotten more difficult and will continue to do so. Unless some serious concessions on both side are made she may very well have to settle for someone a little less stellar than her prince charming. Just saying...
"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." – Luke 22:36
"If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so." – Thomas Jefferson
We're not jerks, but just wired differently. Here is a perfect example:
I'd rather be lucky than good any day
There's nothing that will change someone's moral outlook quicker than cash in large sums.
Majority rule only works if you're also considering individual rights. Because you can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
My wife and I have a friend who went through something similar. In her case, she had set a very high bar for who she would date. Unfortunately, it was based on looks. She kept finding herself in relationships with vane shallow men (even guys who lied and said they were single when they were married). In the meantime, she had a friend who was not exactly a looker, but he was true blue and had her back for 15 years. They remained friends through thick and thin. she finally came to realize that looks have nothing to do with character. She and her friend have now been married for about 7 years, have 4 kids and couldn't be happier.
I don't know where your friend is finding her dates, but she would probably be well adivsed to try something different. I would reccomend church, but you cannot expect every person in a church to be marrying material. Everyone is flawed, some of us deal with our flaws better then other. The best thing would be to start very slow and allow a relationship to develop while allowing plenty of time to observe the person in a variety of situations. People can hide who they are for short periods, but in the end their true character will be revealed.
2. "Let me get you a tissue."
3. Wish I knew so I could share with my daughters.
A lot of comments in this thread seem a bit unfair.
1. We don't know how the OP's friend dresses, acts, or talks, so it would be premature to assume that the answer is that she dresses, acts, and talks like she actually wants what she's actually been getting.
2. We have the OP's opinion that his friend is beautiful. She may not see herself the same way. I would venture a guess that the majority of women are not wholly comfortable with the way they look, and I know most of the women I know, including the ones whom I would not consider particularly self-conscious, will admit to comparing how they look to other women and feeling like they come up short.
3. Related to 2., a woman in her 30s who has always wanted to get married and have the kind of marriage many of us here apparently are blessed enough to have found and kept (or at least be working on, like me) may have seen a lot of her friends get married and be suffering from the "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" syndrome. Underestimating or dismissing the amount of emotional pain this can cause is unkind. If having a happy marriage is the deepest desire of her heart, having it denied to her while watching her friends get it (even though we all know every marriage has more problems than it looks like from the outside), can be heart-wrenching. Coming up against the same schmucks every time she dates may well be causing her to wonder what's wrong with her. Rational? No. But understandable.
My advice to the OP's friend would be to do her best to be the kind of person she wants to meet and marry. From there, it's just a matter of time.
Also, don't underestimate eHarmony. I used to make fun of it, but I can't anymore, because I know too many people who got married to someone they met there.
Tell her to start dating ugly guys and see what happens.
Don't believe what you hear and only half of what you see!
Sounds like she needs to use her words and set expectations on the first date. From what the OP wrote, sounds like this lady is hot, dresses hot, (maybe flirts with them?) and doesn't appreciate men who act like men.
If she doesn't communicate her intentions on the first date, she is going to get more of the same. When I started dating again after my divorce, I WAS looking for sex, but for the right person I would have kept my raging hormones in check if:
(1) I thought she was worth the wait
(2) she was clear that she didn't want to rush sex
Maybe she is being clear and up front about sex with these guys and they are going for it anyway, or maybe she isn't communicating what she wants and doesn't want.
"I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery." - Thomas Jefferson
Picture please................then we can make some serious suggestions.
A lot of men these days are jerks, and I believe a lot it has to do with upbringing. I used to think that it was just men who were to blame, but I quickly realized that a lot of women gravitate to men who treat them badly. This only reinforces such behavior to those men. In these pairings, the men don’t respect the women, and the women don’t respect themselves.
Everything in the media reinforces this idea of the shallow existence of the sexes, too. Intelligence isn’t glorified; modesty isn’t lauded; chastity isn’t portrayed as a virtue; respect isn’t made appealing. It all comes down to sex. Men are encouraged to pick a “mate” based on her sexual appeal. Women are taught to focus on their sexuality for attracting a man. All the good and noble characteristics that made a woman (and a man) desirable in the past have been relegated to antiquity and in their place are vices and traits that used to be exhibited in the town deviants.
This is characteristic of our society that has generally put morality on its head and taken what is good and vilified it, while taking what is bad and exalting it as the way all should live. Nothing is new under the sun: "Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!” –Isaiah 5:20
The media can be blamed for how men and women are turning out these days, but a bigger part of the blame can be laid on the parents, who haven’t been diligent to teach their sons to behave like gentlemen and their daughters as ladies. Children are being raised to respect no one, not even themselves, and do what makes them feel good rather than what is good and what is right.
Boys are being raised with the examples of fathers who abuse their mothers, or are constantly “looking around” at other women in obvious displays of disrespect towards their mothers. The fathers say "it's innocent to look and not touch!", but it's not innocent at all; it is instilling in their sons (and daughters) a sense of disrespect that will be carried on longer after the glances and comments have passed away. Daughters aren’t being raised to cherish their lady-like qualities, but are being directed towards or allowed to show off their sexuality, even from an early age.
These things are written off as “just how kids are these days”. Children are encouraged to date and have sex from as early as they start thinking about it. It’s just accepted. From an early age, girls learn that to get a boys attention, she needs to “put out”. What defines her, then, to herself and to other boys, is her looks and sexual attributes; not her personality, intelligence, or person-hood. Dating is viewed as a fun way to spend time and learn about sexuality rather than as a job application for a life-long relationship. Dating as a social event teaches children that relationships are fickle and not based on anything substantive: just emotions and all that is temporary in life. This tends to affect how these kids view relationships later on, mainly to view them as shallow bonds that exist to make them happy, and once the happiness is gone, the relationship is gone. What kids learn early on affects how they behave as adults.
While this is my commentary on society, you asked specific questions about your friend, and here’s my take:
1) Men are jerks (generally speaking) because they have been encouraged to be selfish and satisfy their own wants and desires rather than seeking to meet the needs of the women they want in their lives.
2) I would say to her that a lot of men are jerks who are insensitive to her wants and needs and only want to gratify themselves. She needs to find a better type of man. She should raise her standards and expect to be treated as a lady, and accept nothing else.
3) She needs to find a better type of man. You don’t fish for trout in a toilet bowl. You probably aren’t going to find an upstanding gentleman out at a bar or club (you can, but it’s less likely) on a Friday or Saturday night, but you might find one at Church on Sunday morning. Finding a mate online is probably a good option, too, since you can focus on the essentials in a mate without getting involved in the physical nature of relationships. Also, she shouldn’t put out until she’s secured a man (marriage, in my opinion). Not many men want to buy an expensive cow (ok, “cow” is probably not a nice thing to say to her while she’s crying) when they can get the milk for free.
Just my $0.02, as a man who was raised by a lady to be a gentleman.
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." - Ephesians 2:8-9
“The purpose of the law is not to prevent a future offense, but to punish the one actually committed” - Ayn Rand
They find the good guy, then break his heart because they are bored by not having every guy hitting on them anymore and finding something they think is better, only to find 'the jerk' again.
LEARN something today so you can TEACH something tomorrow.
Where is the wisdom that we have lost in knowledge?" T.S. Elliot
Dominus Vobiscum <))>(
Why are men such jerks?
Why are women such a tease?
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Trust in God and keep your powder dry
"A heavily armed citizenry is not about overthrowing the government; it is about preventing the government from overthrowing liberty. A people stripped of their right of self defense is defenseless against their own government." -source