Tools for beginners and pros

This is a discussion on Tools for beginners and pros within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I ran across this on another forum a while back, thought it was pretty funny. Tools for the beginner........... and pros DRILL PRESS: A tall ...

Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Tools for beginners and pros

  1. #1
    Member Array thephanatik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    360

    Tools for beginners and pros

    I ran across this on another forum a while back, thought it was pretty funny.


    Tools for the beginner........... and pros
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
    bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
    beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom
    piece you were drying.
    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
    workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
    guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
    until you die of old age.
    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.
    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
    It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
    you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If
    nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
    heat to the palm of your hand.
    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel
    hub you want the bearing race out of.
    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've
    been searching for the last 15 minutes.
    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
    have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under
    the bumper.
    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
    of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
    bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything
    you forgot to disconnect.
    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an
    accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
    light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
    otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose
    is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
    shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
    Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
    for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
    but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
    plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
    hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last
    over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their
    heads.
    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
    you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
    as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the
    object we are trying to hit.
    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
    cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
    as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
    refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
    clothes, but only while in use.
    DANGIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
    yelling "DANGIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you
    will need.
    EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied
    verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
    our every deficiency in foresight.
    Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation. - Rule #23 in the USMC rules for gunfighting.

  2. Remove Ads

  3. #2
    VIP Member Array BigJon10125's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    California
    Posts
    3,069
    Very accurate!
    BigJon


    "Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt" ~ Mark Twain

  4. #3
    Member Array StcLurker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    St. Cloud, MN
    Posts
    137
    welcome to the internet (about 5 years ago at least).
    Quando Omni Flunkus Moratati

  5. #4
    VIP Member Array oakchas's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Iowa
    Posts
    7,214

    Re: Tools for beginners and pros

    Quote Originally Posted by StcLurker View Post
    welcome to the internet (about 5 years ago at least).
    It's a classic... Bears repeating.

    Often.
    It could be worse.
    "A law that burdens the exercise of an enumerated constitutional right by simply making that right more difficult to exercise cannot be considered “reasonably adapted” to a government interest, no matter how substantial that interest may be."
    Wollard V Sheridan

  6. #5
    Member Array thephanatik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    360
    Quote Originally Posted by StcLurker View Post
    welcome to the internet (about 5 years ago at least).
    I knew it was old, the post I saw it from was in '06. I didn't remember ever seeing it posted here, figured some people would enjoy it. After just doing a bunch of auto work for some people (Struts for someone, and just finished a clutch a couple days ago, etc) I really got a kick out of it.
    Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation. - Rule #23 in the USMC rules for gunfighting.

  7. #6
    Member Array AZ_Larz_NY's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    Chandler
    Posts
    288
    lol, thanks for posting.

    Be safe!
    NEVER point a gun at something you are not prepared to destroy!
    AND for GODS sake, get your finger off the trigger until you are ready to squeeze the trigger!

Links

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •