Life's Demerit System For Men!

Life's Demerit System For Men!

This is a discussion on Life's Demerit System For Men! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Life's Demerit System All men (married or not) will attest to some real wisdom in this email... ...In the world of romance, one single rule ...

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  1. #1
    VIP Member
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    Red face Life's Demerit System For Men!

    Life's Demerit System
    All men (married or not) will attest to some real wisdom in this email...

    ...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
    MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

    Do something she likes, and you get points.
    Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
    You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
    Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
    Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:


    SIMPLE DUTIES
    You make the bed. (+1)
    You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
    You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
    You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
    But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)

    PROTECTIVE DUTIES
    You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
    You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
    You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
    You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
    It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)

    SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
    You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
    Named Tina (-10)
    Tina is a dancer. (-10)
    Tina has breast implants. (-40)

    HER BIRTHDAY
    You take her out to dinner. (+2)
    You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
    Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
    And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
    It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

    A NIGHT OUT
    You take her to a movie. (+1)
    You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
    You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
    You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
    It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
    You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

    YOUR PHYSIQUE
    You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
    You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
    You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
    You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

    THE BIG QUESTION
    She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
    (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
    You hesitate in responding. (-10)
    You reply, "Where?" (-35)
    You give any other response. (-20)

    COMMUNICATION
    When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
    You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
    You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
    She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
    CCW permit holder for Idaho, Utah, Pennsylvania, Maine and New Hampshire. I can carry in your country but not my own.


  2. #2
    Senior Member Array Hoplyte's Avatar
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    Being a single guy, I'm taking notes. One pearl of wisdom I have gained is that if you take a vegetarian on a date, don't eat meat in front of them. It will be your first and last date. I wonder what she would have done if I told I like hunting and fishing?

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array BugDude's Avatar
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    It works a little different at my house:

    1) I wake up in the morning. -50
    2) I say ANYTHING. -200
    3) I don't do whatever it is she wants me to do even though she hasn't said anything and I can't read her mind. -400
    4) I get paid. +500

    The problem is 1,2,and 3 happen every day. Number 4 happens once a month.
    Know Guns, Know Safety, Know Peace.
    No Guns, No Safety, No Peace.


    Guns are like sex and air...its no big deal until YOU can't get any.

  4. #4
    Distinguished Member Array onacoma's Avatar
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    Would respond but I have a life time of demerits already!

    Additionally, I don't need a second strike on the forum!

    One caveat, most men start off with a 1,000,000 demerits at birth! So it is a up hill climb from day 1!

    What make a man happy is SO Simple , now just learning to act like we care is the hard part!


    In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

    If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke

  5. #5
    VIP Member Array Brad426's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BugDude View Post
    It works a little different at my house:

    1) I wake up in the morning. -50
    2) I say ANYTHING. -200
    3) I don't do whatever it is she wants me to do even though she hasn't said anything and I can't read her mind. -400
    4) I get paid. +500

    The problem is 1,2,and 3 happen every day. Number 4 happens once a month.
    OMG, I hate to be the one that breaks this to you, but I am pretty sure your wife is a bigamist...
    BugDude, StevePVB and IronMike like this.
    I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.
    Clint Eastwood

    I love Tiberius/Maggie.

  6. #6
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    My wife is always telling me I've lost points. Don't know how many I started with; don't know how many I've got left. After nearly 41 years, I must have had a lot.
    BugDude and Brad426 like this.
    Retired USAF E-8. Lighten up and enjoy life because:
    Paranoia strikes deep, into your heart it will creep. It starts when you're always afraid... "For What It's Worth" Buffalo Springfield

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array sixgun's Avatar
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    That point system is to complex. Im already way to deep in the hole to even think about digging out. The comedian Greg Hahn says it good. Im losing points well transfer my account to your younger sister.LOL

  8. #8
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    When you're in a hole, trying to get out, the first thing you need to do is --Stop Digging!
    Retired USAF E-8. Lighten up and enjoy life because:
    Paranoia strikes deep, into your heart it will creep. It starts when you're always afraid... "For What It's Worth" Buffalo Springfield

  9. #9
    Member Array Jackster's Avatar
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    NO WONDER I'M DIVORCED!

    ...but no alimony, and never had children, so no child support (+1,000)
    BugDude likes this.

  10. #10
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    Have you noticed how the "minus" points are always more than the "plus" points? It's a no-win battle.
    Betty and goldshellback like this.
    Retired USAF E-8. Lighten up and enjoy life because:
    Paranoia strikes deep, into your heart it will creep. It starts when you're always afraid... "For What It's Worth" Buffalo Springfield

  11. #11
    Senior Member Array palmcoaster's Avatar
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    I guess Ive lost the game. Is it resetable each day or do the negs roll over?

  12. #12
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    I remember in high school us girls liked to make lists somewhat like that, about boys and what they should be like. Mine was pages long. Guys had their own lists, too, in retaliation. Their lists were mostly bust and bottom sizes.

    These days, it's perfectly fine to go out and eat at Hooters without the kids in tow, I could care less if my husband is wearing a giant foam cheese on his head, and I happen to an love all-you-can-eat buffet (Chinese!), because that means more bang for your buck, and I'm all over that.

    The hub still loses points whenever he snores, though.
    BugDude, Jeanlouise and Jackster like this.
    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

  13. #13
    Senior Member Array Daddy Warcrimes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GunnyBunny View Post
    She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
    (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
    On wife #2, this was specifically addressed during the dating phase. If she ever asks, I will deliberately answer incorrectly.
    Jackster likes this.
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  14. #14
    Member Array OldLincoln's Avatar
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    I really must have hit the jackpot with my wife. I get points all day long just for loving her with little finger waves as I walk by her chair, a wink, smile. I offer to make her tea when in the kitchen for something else and lots of other little things during the day. The best part is she does the same to me. Guess you can say over the 47 years of marriage we've worn most of the rough edges off and are happy. No we don't buy each other presents, flowers, etc., don't need them, we've got each other.

  15. #15
    VIP Member Array BugDude's Avatar
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    I figured out a long time ago that my wife needs a project. A challenge of sorts. If I were to suddenly be Mr. Perfect, she'd be bored with me in no time. My many imperfections as she sees them keeps her interest peaked. That's OK though, because we are total opposites. We apparently need that balance. She's everything I'm not and I'm everything she's not. She plans everything, is super organized, super serious, and I'm spontaneous, joke all the time, etc. She asked me once, "Can't you ever be serious?" and I replied, "No." When she asked me why not I replied, "You're serious enough for both of us." If she married someone just like her, they'd be at each other's throats in no time. If I married someone just like me, nothing would ever get done. We must have found the magic balance that works, March will be our 20th Wedding Anniversary (27+ years together total).
    Jackster likes this.
    Know Guns, Know Safety, Know Peace.
    No Guns, No Safety, No Peace.


    Guns are like sex and air...its no big deal until YOU can't get any.

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