We're not losing a daughter, we're gaining a mercenary.

We're not losing a daughter, we're gaining a mercenary.

This is a discussion on We're not losing a daughter, we're gaining a mercenary. within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; After many years of watching romance movies alone and gorging on chocolate bon-bons between the tears, a faint glimmer of hope for true love blossoms ...

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Thread: We're not losing a daughter, we're gaining a mercenary.

  1. #1
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    We're not losing a daughter, we're gaining a mercenary.

    After many years of watching romance movies alone and gorging on chocolate bon-bons between the tears, a faint glimmer of hope for true love blossoms for our little Betty.

    But a problem rears its ugly rear. The old "something borrowed, something blue" isn't going to work for our sinister sister. Something old must now be something odd.

    I have an ivory-handled .380 Colt Government with which she could buttress her boustiere.

    Could you loan her something for that trip down the aisle? It's a good bet none of us will be invited.

    What would you nab for her nuptials?


  2. #2
    Ex Member Array F350's Avatar
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    How \'bout a EK fighter for the garter:kay:

  3. #3
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    Speaking of garters, when the groom tosses her garter, I think someone should yell \"pull\" accompanied by the blast of an Orion over/under.

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    Sheesh, I\'ve only been dating the guy for a week. Mr. Six Foot Tall, Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes has me happily distracted for the time being. We\'ll see if he\'s a keeper or yet another chapter in Betty\'s Blunders.

    He just found out that I not only carry one gun, but two.

    Was that to protect against me?
    Well....no... In case someone wants to rape you, I\'ll have to protect you.

    Want to go to the range with me?
    Cool!

    Tickle assault!

  5. #5
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    Blunders?

    You mean there might not be any cake?

    Sheesh, what a let-down, always thinking of yourself.

    Well, I\'m glad he likes pointy things and others that go \'boom'in the night. Now you must explain your forum friends.

    \"Now that you and I are engaged, Dweezil,\" the coquettish bride begins, \"these are my computer friends from all of my MA and gun forums...\"

    \"This is Larry, Darrell, and his other brother Darryl, and the guy in the canoe playing the banjo and squealing like a pig is one of the moderators...\"

    Oy, the fellow would have to be a veritable psychiatric doctor specializing in the cognitive dissidence therapy aspects of schizophrenia and bipolar motorcycle anxieties. Such a brazen individual is the kind of man that would play footsie with an ankle holster in a chocolate factory. Pish tosh, woman, do I look like the harlequin who abide such folly?

    Oh, Betty, to be sure, I\'ve read some of your fiction and the musings of the old windmills when you have that cerebal drift. But not even you could conjure up a mystery man, a doctor no less, fearless enough to engage a Southeast Asian siren for 72 hours.

    No, better to sprinkle seasoning salt on the five-times-beef and let the real wordsmiths design the fiction.

    Again I ask you, are you sure these is no cake? :huh:

  6. #6
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    He\'s not a doctor yet. If you don\'t quit picking on me, he might make a house call to come see you.

    I\'m happy to see Mr. Psychologist-In-Training doesn\'t psychoanalyze me.
    You have guns and knives to substitute for the extremity you lack in your pants.

    I did tell him that if he\'s going to continue dating me, to get used to all the guns in the family... like the belt-fed stationed in the middle of dad\'s living room floor.

    fearless enough to engage a Southeast Asian siren for 72 hours.
    That\'s half southeast Asian with a German last name. :D And those weren\'t 72 straight hours - what kind of lady do you take me for?

    * A previous chapter in Betty\'s Blunders included a guy who turned out to be a hoplophobe. He left after our one and only disagreement (which happened to be on gun control) because he was afraid that I was going to pull my gun out and shoot him. Oy.

  7. #7
    Member Array armoredman's Avatar
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    Don\'t feel bad, Betty. We were worried my wife\'s druggie psycho ex was going to show up during the wedding, so the groom, (me), had a KelTec 9mm clipped on the cummerbund, the best man had a Glock 22 under his tux, and at least two people were armed in the congregation. No one knew, and we found out later scumbaggius maximus was doing time in Texas.
    Good luck, girl! :D

  8. #8
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    She can dish it out, and she can take it.

    We\'ve had a good laugh at Betty\'s expense, and as always she has chosen the higher ground. Humor is important to me, and so is a proper realtionship with her, and all of my friends, both real and virtual.

    I have been reminded that even with sincere desires, there is a limit to all forms of humor. I value Betty\'s opinions, and would hate to cause any discomfort for a few cheap laughs.

    And I always want to be known as a person who apologizes as fast as he criticizes, and in the same public area.

    Betty, thanks for being a good sport, please pardon the gags if you have been offended in the slightest.

    And further, thanks for not mentioning my crazy Uncle Carmine, confined in our attic.

  9. #9
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    Tourist,
    My statement was that if I wanted my private life posted publicly, I would\'ve done it myself. With that exception, I have no issue with this thread so far.

  10. #10
    Member Array spacemanspiff's Avatar
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    heh....the way i hear it, bettys boytoy is well on his way to being immortalized, in her own special way, of course.

    :D

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    Lock, archive or remove. My wish is your command, m\'lady :P

  12. #12
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    Float it! Just kidding. I don\'t have a problem with this thread.

    We are having dinner tonight at my favorite Thai restaurant, and then we\'re following it up with a zombie movie marathon. So there.


  13. #13
    Member Array mtrapper's Avatar
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    Betty, he\'s a lucky guy. I just hope he\'s man enough for the LADY he\'s chosen.



    All the luck in the world.

  14. #14
    Member Array Zach S's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Betty
    * A previous chapter in Betty\'s Blunders included a guy who turned out to be a hoplophobe. He left after our one and only disagreement (which happened to be on gun control) because he was afraid that I was going to pull my gun out and shoot him. Oy.
    I\'ve had pretty much the same thing happen to me. It was a gal though. She was afraid that if I had my gun, I would shoot her, she didnt know I had two on me.

    One of my favorite blunders is when I was over at a girl\'s house I hadn\'t been dating long, watching, um, something, and someone was wondering what kind of gun the character had, naturally I knew. Next thing you know we\'re ignoring the movie and discussing gun control. Then she says \"anyone who carries a gun isnt welcome in my house.\" So I got up, put my jacket on, and headed for the door.

    \"You leaving?\"
    \"Yeah, I\'m not welcome here anymore.\"

    If not for the TV, you could hear a pin drop in that living room.

  15. #15
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    My wife was a liberal suburban girl when I first met her. The key word here is \"was.\" She has a few of her own handguns, but prefers her nickel plated Charter Arms .44 Bulldog when she really wants to hurt something.

    Our friends are an eclectic mix of Pampered Chef ladies, bikers and church elders. Since I sell knives, I usally have a few near my side table by the TV to play with and evaluate. The gun of the month is again my Glock 27, I\'m trying to warm to it.

    Of course, on Saturday night our church elder and his wife drop by to play a card game called \"Rook,\" the traditional game played by Seventh Day Adventists. While this is an adult house, I do try to clean up the various \'toys,'but if I miss a few, what the hey, it\'s my house.

    The church couple love my dogs and I touch up their knives for free. The subject doesn\'t come up that much, and for a good reason.

    Our previous pastor Rev. Gary Oliver, the one who married my wife and I, is now at Loma Linda, but used to target shoot with me on the weekends. In fact, most of the adult education I received in the Bible was discussed during those sessions.

    So when people get uppity about guns, they also malign some very religious people I know.

    These same liberals think nothing of demanding thousands of coffee outlets to guzzle a beverage that results in South American farmers burning off jungle for additional arable land.

    Those of us who love firearms have nothing to be ashamed of. As a bipolar Christian target shooter I take comfort in knowing that this very country was started by religious nuts with guns. The Framers thought more like me than like a liberal.

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