joke

This is a discussion on joke within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Old man and old woman sitting on the porch watching the chickens pecking in the yard. The rooster would flog a hen then crow and ...

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  1. #1
    Member Array pignut's Avatar
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    joke

    Old man and old woman sitting on the porch watching the chickens pecking in the yard. The rooster would flog a hen then crow and flap his wings in pride. In a little bit he would do the same thing again. Old woman turned to the old man and said"wish you could do that". Old man said"might could if I had a new hen each time".

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    He gets out of the hospital next week.
    When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
    "Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."

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    Member Array chief8991's Avatar
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    A young man decide he wanted to become a deer hunter, so he bought the clothing, a rifle, and a tree stand. He sighted in his rifle, got a hunting license, and found some public hunting land. He hunted every day, all season long. Went days without seeing any deer, missed one occasionally on days he did see them, and some days they just didn't give him a good shot. Well, on the last day, there it was. Just a doe, but it was gonna be his first deer. He steadied, aimed, and shot. A good shot in the vitals, right behind the shoulder. The deer took off. He waited a little bit to let her bleed out, climbed down, and followed the blood trail. After walking about 20 yards through heavy woods, he came to a fence, and could see the deer laying dead just on the other side of it. He climbed the fence, and looked down with excitement, and a little bit of pride at the deer. He pulled his knife out of his bag and sat down on the ground to field dress her, and saw a pair of boots walking up. He looked up and said "Hello". The other man then said "What do you think you're doing with my deer?" The boy said "I shot this deer back over there on the public land, I can show you the blood trail." The man replied "Well that's all well and good, but it's on my land." The boy went on to tell this land owner his story, and how long he had hunted, and how he finally had got his first deer. The man said he had an idea, "You really want that deer, and so do I, so let's do this: We'll taking turns kicking each other in the privates, me kicking you first, and the last one standing gets the deer." The boy hesitantly agreed. So the landowner pulled his leg back and kicked the young man below the belt. He hollered, fell on the ground, threw up and rolled around for about 30 seconds. He finally was able to stand back up, and looking at the land owner, asked him if he was ready. The land owner replied "You can have the deer."
    Something witty

  5. #4
    Member Array pignut's Avatar
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    A couple of men were talking and the subject of being mad about something came up. One guy said the maddest he ever was happened when he was seeing another fellows wife and he came home. 2nd guy said boy that would make you mad. 1st guy said no that was not it,see I jumped out the window and held onto the window sill. 2nd guy said that would do it. 1st guy said no not it either,he said the husband came into the room and decided to empty the bed-pot and threw it out the window. 2nd guy said now that would do it. 1st guy said no still not it,after that the husband slammed the window closed and mashed all his fingers and he could not even scream. 2nd guy said now that had to do it for sure. 1st guy said,no still was not what made him maddest. 2nd guy said well for heavens sake what was it? 1st guy said,when I finally looked down my feet were only 3 inches off the ground..
    NONAME762 and BenGoodLuck like this.

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    VIP Member Array LimaCharlie's Avatar
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    Three guys are setting around the campfire talking about hunting. One guy says, "The second worst thing that ever happened to me while hunting was dropping my pants and squatting to relieve myself when a bear trap snapped shut on my private parts." The other guys are shocked and ask what the worst thing was that ever happened if that was the second worst. He answered, "When I hit the end of the chain!"
    I carry a gun, because a Cop is too heavy.

  7. #6
    Member Array pignut's Avatar
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    That is a good one. Have to try and remember that one.

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    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...
    Raleigh... Where Barney comes to Party...

    Glock 27 or M&P Shield for every day carry (LCP for deep conceal when necessary)... Glock 23 for the home.

    Call me Iggy. Only my mother calls me by my full given name.

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    VIP Member Array NONAME762's Avatar
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    All right you guys. I'm a funny guy. But I don't know any jokes. All I can think of are Johnny jokes.

    Johnny went to the corner market to fetch a pail of skunk cabbage, collard greens and a ham bone............

    Take it Johnny!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Firing a suppressed is on my Bucket List.

    I'm just a spoke in the wheel but not a big deal.

    America...a Constitutional Republic. NOT a democracy as the liberals would have us believe.

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    Distinguished Member Array Nmuskier's Avatar
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    A 911 operator receives a call from a frantic hunter. "I accidentally shot my huntin' buddy! I think he's dead! What should I do?"
    The operator instructs him, "First, you need to check to make sure he's really dead."
    The man replies, "Hold on..." (BLAM!!!) "O.k., now what?"
    OldVet, welder516 and BenGoodLuck like this.

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    A man's wife says "Honey, get up, it's time to go to church."

    "I'm not going, two reasons, they hate me and I hate them."

    The wife replies, "You're going, two reasons, you're 59 years old and you're the pastor!"
    Calvito and NONAME762 like this.

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    Mrs. Martin's third grade class had an assignment to bring in an article that represents their religion.


    Ben Goldstein stood up and said "I'm Ben, I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David."

    Mary stood up and said "I'm Mary, I am Catholic and this is a rosary."

    Johnny stood up and said "I'm Johnny, I am a Southern Baptist and this is a casserole."

  13. #12
    Member Array chief8991's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stoveman View Post
    Mrs. Martin's third grade class had an assignment to bring in an article that represents their religion.


    Ben Goldstein stood up and said "I'm Ben, I'm Jewish and this is a Star of David."

    Mary stood up and said "I'm Mary, I am Catholic and this is a rosary."

    Johnny stood up and said "I'm Johnny, I am a Southern Baptist and this is a casserole."
    Now that's funny!
    Something witty

  14. #13
    Member Array watershed's Avatar
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    3 men walked into a bar.............the fourth one ducked.
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    VIP Member Array OutWestSystems's Avatar
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    A proton walked into a bar and ordered a beer, the bartender asked; "Are you sure", the proton replied "I am positive". Geek jokes are the best.

  16. #15
    Distinguished Member Array lionround's Avatar
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    A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here." The mushroom says "Why not, I'm a fun-gi."
    NONAME762 likes this.
    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    -- Steven Wright
    1950 Colt .38 Police Positive Special
    2013 SCCY 9mm CPX-2 Stainless Steel
    US Army 1973-1977, 95B

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