Retrosexual: Deal With It
This is a discussion on Retrosexual: Deal With It within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; If you've seen this one already, forgive me. If not, I hope you get a laugh out of it or that you can relate to ...
December 18th, 2006 02:50 PM
Retrosexual: Deal With It
If you've seen this one already, forgive me. If not, I hope you get a laugh out of it or that you can relate to at least some of it:
Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand
and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be
seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and
talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui."
Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual,
non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have
taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the
culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "
The Code :
A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit
that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking
cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an
endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if
need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will
only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long
run, she ain't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in
a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed
to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy
was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed
to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie --
and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you
can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL
WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of
those people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and
none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.
Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method
of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a
Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved
one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of
a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Ford truck.
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up
and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other
so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look
on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the
correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the
Star Spangled Banner
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they
offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting,
fishing, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without
sliding all over or driving under 20mph, without anxiety, and without
high-centering his ride in a snow bank.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he
wants. Wherever it lands is where he dang well wanted it to land.
Except on his truck--that would happen because of a "force of
nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to
DEAL with IT, or do both.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women
but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's)
NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for
serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good
enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change
or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he
does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes
in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT !
December 18th, 2006 03:07 PM
Retrosexuals of the world Unite!!!!!
December 18th, 2006 03:20 PM
Randy, you had me with you until that business about eating red meat, and the exception for 2nd Lt's. The rest was great, and, if you let me out of those two, I am ready to join the group.
December 18th, 2006 03:38 PM
Sign me up! Excellent read.
DEMOCRACY IS TWO WOLVES AND A LAMB VOTING ON WHAT TO HAVE FOR LUNCH. LIBERTY IS A WELL ARMED LAMB CONtestING THE VOTE.
Certified Instructor for Minnesota Carry Permit
NRA Pistol and Personal Protection Insrtuctor
Utah Permit Certified Instructor
December 18th, 2006 03:56 PM
See, now this is the one that always scares me. I happen to be an old Fa..... Well you know.
Originally Posted by randytulsa2
Anyhow when the big stink about taking the words "under God" out of the Pledge came up, I stood in my kitchen and recited the Pledge to my self. Then I proclaimed to my wife, what the hell are they talking about........ The Pledge DOESN'T say that!!
Well it seems that sometime after I started school and learned the Pledge, that sneaky Ike snuck a couple words in at the end to annoy those nasty Russkies. So sometimes you'll have to excuse me if I lapse and don't pledge the way you do...... Old habits are sometimes hard to break!!
EOD - Initial success or total failure
December 18th, 2006 04:14 PM
I'm one of those young retro-sexuals. Does that make me a walking oxi-moron?
December 18th, 2006 05:32 PM
Retrosexual eh? I suppose what's old is new again. Although we should call it for what it really is... REAL Men!
December 18th, 2006 06:25 PM
So THAT'S what I've been. Heck, growing up that was called a MAN!
If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good. ~ Thomas J. Watson, Jr.
December 18th, 2006 07:08 PM
You are a smart man
December 18th, 2006 07:23 PM
Very enjoyable read, and I can certainly identify with most. (I drive a Tacoma).
December 18th, 2006 09:11 PM
When you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts & minds will follow. Semper Fi.
December 18th, 2006 09:29 PM
Great read....Its great to know that are some of us still around.
"Do not fear those who disagree with you; fear those that do and are too cowardly to admit it" - Napoleon
December 18th, 2006 10:45 PM
Real men, er retrosexual men Unite!!
December 18th, 2006 10:50 PM
I am a retrosexual. Hear me go bang.....
December 19th, 2006 12:37 AM
Is there a minimum number of guns or can you just have a select few that have a meaning behind each one.
I have a SA 1911A1 Mil-Spec.
Mossberg 500 with collapsible stock and shell holder
Auto-Ordinance M1 Carbine reproduction. (Although I'm still not convinced about the .30 calibur)
Not very many I know, but each has a purpose or holds a personal value. Should I have gone for the 1911 OWB, Bersa 380 ankle BUG, 16" Bowie knife opposite ankle, combo flashlight/billyjack front pocket, snubbie wheel gun in a 5.11 vest, taser in the underware carry, pepperspray mounted on a neat "spiderman" shooter rig?
Also, I've lost 15 pounds of a beer gut over the last month or so, and am planning on losing the rest of it as well. Will that automatically disqualify me as a retro-sexual?
You know what? I'm the way I am, and that's fine with me. I'm gonna consider myself a member of the group. If you don't like it, see rule 2
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