March 15th, 2007 05:10 AM
Mr. Jack Hamilton Turner - What A Hoot! :)
And you think you have problems.
New York: More likely than not you've heard about the recent shake-up in the upper echelons of Josh Deisel that saw Jamie Gurley instated as band member in the place of Jack "the boy" Turner.
It was a very difficult event for the fans and band members alike but it has now been about a month and the grieving period is subsiding for all involved.
Turner's fans have coped with the loss in a variety of heart lifting ways:
There have been support groups, sometimes as large as 1,000 people joining hands and participating in heavy petting.
Many have sought professional counciling by band break-up specialists.
There have even been isolated reports of fans turning to such means of recovery as meditation, knitting, rolfing, and binge drinking.
As for the members themselves, Josh, Bill and Jamie have been seeking refuge from the New York paparazzi by hiding out in such places as Boston, Jackson Hole and Los Angeles.
All the while the bands management and PR people have been staying put, doing all they can to quell the relentless media surge. This all leaves just 1 person unaccounted for- a man at the very center of the controversy- a Mr. Jack Hamilton Turner himself.
Jacks recovery, or lack there of, has been a different story all together.
When he initially found out that his walking papers had been issued,
Turner, who moonlights as a street performer, was pretending to be a statue in Thompkins Square Park on the Lower East Side of Manhattan at 3:00am.
Apparently a resident of the park recognized and then offered his condolences to an oblivious Turner.
After 2 days of reading newspaper articles, listening to word of mouth and getting confirmation from his ex-band members, Turner proudly pieced together what had happened.
But it wasn't long before disappointment replaced pride and Turner was left to come to grips with the fact that, like Julius Ceasar forsaken by a trusted hand, he had been ousted from the triumvirate.
From the day he was born Turner's life has been a series of case studies and the manner in which Turner ultimately dealt with his dismissal from the band was no exception.
For a period of 18 staggering hours Turner life was a whirlwind of consumption, defiance and wantonness culminating in an almost fatal episode involving 2 starved rabbits, a sedated calf and some epoxy which we'll touch on in more detail later.
The following is a horrifyingly detailed account compiled with the help of Jack himself, witnesses, security cameras and data from the NYC Electric Company.
Wednesday, March 25th 1998
11:41am - Mr. Turner wakes up in his apartment in Brooklyn, NY and eats 3 pounds of un-ground coffee beans and a stick of butter.
12:30pm- In waters well over 180 degrees, Jack badly burns his entire body in the shower
1:02pm- Turner starts his car and drives away steadily gaining speed until he's going 112mph at which point his front axle breaks and he spins out of control and comes to rest neighborhood park. He exits the car and begins to run full speed to Manhattan.
2:25pm- Vomiting and purple from the exhausting run, Turner finds a quiet corner of a large drug store he consumes everything within reach including a bottle of Rose Hips, 2 tubes of Brill Cream, 18 ink cartridges, a pair of fuzzy dice, 3 birthday cards and a bottle of shampoo.
2:55pm- Turner, who's teeth have turned black from the ink is disoriented and gagging as he enters a pizza parlor. After ordering 2 large pies he devours a large, plastic container along with the crushed, hot pepper inside. By the time the pizzas arrive Turner is unconcious.
3:29pm Paramedics revive Turner on the scene and load him into an ambulance. While stuck in traffic, Turner manages to evade the EMTs and jump from the vehicle he hides in an alley for an hour and a half.
5:00pm- Turner emerges from his alleyway and finds a liquor store where he drinks a 2 liter bottle of Triple Sec and 14 miniature bottles of Popov vodka.
6:13pm- After wandering the streets of Manhattan for a while, Turner enters a health club where he picks fights with members as they lift weights. After being ushered out of the weight room, he finds a tanning bed where he spends an hour and a half laying under the highest setting.
8:00pm- Turner, his skin now blistering, enters a bar where he drinks beer straight from the tap for over 3 minutes until the staff is able to pry him away and throw him on the street. He begins to rub his face against the pavement until blood gushes forth.
8:41pm- Now in a new bar, Turners advances on some of the more homely female patrons is unsuccessful due to his blistering skin and breath that smells of Brill Cream, Shampoo… Also, his teeth are still black.
10:12pm- After an hour and a half at the bar during which he drank 13 glasses of his favorite drink, plumb wine and Jameison's, Turner wanders through the street until he finds a pet store which he breaks into. He proceeds to eat a large amount of fish larvae, 2 dried cuttle fish and all the shredded newspaper from the dog cages. Before leaving, he places 2 white rabbits in his pants.
11:37pm- Turner, armed with pepper spray, hijacks a taxi cab and pulls on to the FDR highway. When he reaches 70 miles an hour he expels the entire container of spray in his face causing him to lose control and slam into the center divider. He stumbles from the car and walks blindly to the nearest delicatessen.
Thursday, March 26th 1998
12:04am- At the deli Turner asks to place his hand in the microwave. When his request is denied he destroys a box of snackwells in anger and steals a carton of cigarettes which he eats in under 10 minutes.
1:00am- Turner picks up a handle of grain alcohol and heads to Grand Central Station where he climbs onto the tracks and begins licking the 3rd rail. He is stopped by concerned track workers who escort him to the street.
1:48am- On the street outside of Grand Central turner strikes a deal with a street vendor who agrees to give turner free knishes if he can eat 10 of them. Turner goes on to devour 17.
2:31am- Turner stops in an all night deli for 2 cases of Zima and convinces the store clerk to spray lysol on him while holding him face down in sesame chicken at the buffet. After chasing squirrels for a while he catches a taxi home.
4:37am- Neighbors concerned about the sound of farm animals and incessant sneezing in Jack's apartment call 911
5:00 am - Paramedics find Turner, choking on a medium-sized white rabbit. He has used epoxy to glue himself to a living but heavily sedated calf. The rabbit is removed and Turner is transported to Mt. Sinai Hospital where a second, slightly smaller rabbit is removed from his stomach along with an altered photograph of Bea Arthur.
When all was said and done Turner, and all three animals were fine.
March 15th, 2007 07:43 AM
"Yuban coffee... You know, you can sprinkle that stuff on anything? Ice cream, mashed potatoes, or just eatin' right out of the can for a quick pick-me-up...." ~Cousin Eddie
"Ray Nagin is a colossal disappointment" - NRA/ILA Executive Director Chris W. Cox.
"...be water, my friend."
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