Finally I'm a Minority!

Finally I'm a Minority!

This is a discussion on Finally I'm a Minority! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Hooray! There's finally a movement for people like me! I'm coming out of the closet... as a retrosexual! Retrosexuals (From Gueuze) Ok folks, I have ...

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  1. #1
    VIP Member Array Euclidean's Avatar
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    Finally I'm a Minority!

    Hooray! There's finally a movement for people like me!

    I'm coming out of the closet... as a retrosexual!

    Retrosexuals
    (From Gueuze)

    Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

    Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

    The RetroSexual Code:

    A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

    A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

    A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

    A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

    A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

    A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

    A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

    A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

    A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

    A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

    A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

    A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

    A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

    A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

    A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

    A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

    A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

    Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets), loss of a major body part. Retrosexuals do not cry for movies. They can get a teary lump in their throat under a few notable exceptions, such as when "the guy" heads out to die and save the day or the flag goes up on Suribachi.

    A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservior Dogs, Fight Club, etc .

    When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

    A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

    A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i. e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

    A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

    A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

    A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

    A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

    A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

    A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!!!
    By the way, we're official:

    http://www.wordspy.com/words/retrosexual.asp


  2. #2
    DC Founder
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    Cool, retrosexuals unite!! :la:
    Bumper
    Coimhéad fearg fhear na foighde; Beware the anger of a patient man.

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    Ive seen this b4 and agree with it ever time espically the movie part gun just watched dirty harry the dirty dozen and die hard one and 2 all this week :yes(1):

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array Prospector's Avatar
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    Red face

    Ya forgot "PATTON"....and the "Death Wish" series....loved that Bronson!

  5. #5
    Member Array coma's Avatar
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    Gabe is the best man on the web, I hope i can only live up to enough of the things on thet list to be able to call myself a "retrosexual". I have almost all down very easy.
    Death and taxes..... need i say any more?

  6. #6
    Member Array cls12vg30's Avatar
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    I've seen this before and always get a kick out of it. It sort of ties into the "Rules for Men" thread I started on another forum. (car forum, not gun). I started the list, and others have added on since. I'd post a link but that forum is currently down.

    Rules for Men:

    Every man should know how to:

    Diagnose and repair his own car

    Competently handle a firearm

    Tie a tie

    Mix a Martini

    Select a cigar

    Drive a manual transmission
    "Terrorists don't seem to be too afraid of stern language. But I do notice, that while the fear of death does not seem to deter these people, the fact of BEING dead does significantly decrease their operational effectiveness. "
    - Bill Whittle

  7. #7
    Senior Member Array Prospector's Avatar
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    Red face

    Quote Originally Posted by cls12vg30
    ... I started the list, and others have added on since...
    Rules for Men:

    Every man should know how to:

    Diagnose and repair his own car

    Competently handle a firearm

    Tie a tie

    Mix a Martini

    Select a cigar

    Drive a manual transmission
    Well heck, I used to be able to accomplish the first one if the car/truck was a 1970 or older model....not anymore....much easier to let Mr. Goodwrench do it!

  8. #8
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    In the same line as your rules for men here is a quote from Robert Heinlin that I have always thought true.

    A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.

    Try to accomplish all that in one lifetime.

    I'm still working on a few of them.
    Heroes are people who do what has to be done, when it has to be done, regardless of the consequences

    "I like when the enemy shoots at me; then I know where the ******** are and can kill them."
    ~George Patton

    DE OPPRESSO LIBER

  9. #9
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    My Father was Sicilian. His admonishments were somewhat different.

    Choose a quality stiletto.

    Discern which of my Corsican cousins is the snitch. Whack them all, to be sure.

    Find a woman who mixes a decent martini.

    Drive a stick shift--at speed.

    Degause incriminating videotape. Dust the camera for prints. Whack the owner.

    Find decent friends who swear you weren't there doing what you hadn't done during the date you weren't there.

    Keep a network of pre-dug holes in local forrests.

    Support your local law enforcement--in tens and twenties.

    And finally, give a man a match for fire and he has heat for the moment. But set a man on fire and he has heat for the rest of his life.

  10. #10
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    most of that sounds like me. Guess I am.

  11. #11
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    *sighs shamefully*

    I once dated a man who had more hair and skin care products than I did. His favorite shows were Sex In The City and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. Heck, I have a gay friend who is downright macho and absolutely loathes Queer Eye.

    I once dated a man who would cry if he saw a homeless kitten. Really. He was also a big movie boo-hooer, crying while watching The Punisher. And before you think he's a frail little guy, he was 6', 270 pounds of strength that lifted my 100 pound butt off the floor with one arm.

    I once dated a man who would talk to his parents on the phone at least ten times a day, every day.

    They are all in my miscellaneous chapters in Betty's Blunders.

    I am proud to say that mrshonts has a big yellow tool box, knows how to use everything in that tool box, and knows how to fix things with the contents of said tool box. A man who knows how to use tools is downright sexy. He can drive a manual transmission, is respectful to others, opens door for ladies, knows how to dress properly, enjoys the great outdoors, knows how to shoot, fish, change a tire, doesn't have more hair and skin care products than I do, isn't a cry baby, and doesn't need his momma to babysit him.

    I like to think of myself as well-rounded. I can shoot, fish, change a tire, get mud all over my boots, and still wear heels, cook, clean and sew. And I can crochet mouse-shaped cat toys for mrshont's furry friend.
    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

  12. #12
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    Come 'n, even real men should be able to cry at "Brian's Song," and "Old Yeller."

    Sometimes I cry watching the music channel on our cable TV late at night.

    All of them boyz from the 'hood, making more money in one year than I will in all of my life.

    And absolutely no talent.

    *sob*

  13. #13
    Member Array armoredman's Avatar
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    Amen, brotherhood!
    If total government control equals safety, why are prisons so dangerous?

  14. #14
    Member Array cls12vg30's Avatar
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    I can clearly remember the last two things I saw on a screen that made me cry. One was the final scene in Saving Private Ryan when the old Ryan is at the Captain's grave, asking his wife if he's a good man. The sacrifice made by my grandfather's generation hit me like a ton of bricks.

    The other, most recent occasion, when an image on television brought tears to my eyes was Nancy placing her cheek on Ronnie's casket. God I loved that guy. Real men loved Ronald Reagan.

    That's the only two occasions I can remember.

    Anyone see those commercials, (don't know what they're for), with the dolls of "Momma's Boy", "The Wuss", and "The Suck-Up"? I always get a kick out of those.

    As for "Momma's Boy", I recall a commercial from awhile back with Mr.T, saying, "I'm a Momma's Boy", I pity the fool who ain't one!" I can appreciate that sentiment. Every real man loves and respects his mother. Why do you think comments about one's mother are the surest way to start a fight? And after all, the old axiom, "Never do anything you would not want your mother to know about.", if followed, is a sure-fire way to keep a young man out of trouble and give him a good shot at a successful life. Of course it's impractical to follow all the time, ;) but it's a good thing to keep in mind.

    Of course, there's a difference between being that kind of Momma's Boy and the kind that you are talking about, Betty, one that hides behind Momma's apron string well into middle age. This type is a truly pathetic creature.

    I talk to my beloved mother about once a week. (Strangely, though, I haven't asked her for advice in about a decade). I have to call her, though, it broke her heart when I loaded up my pickup at the age of 23, less than a week after graduating college, and proceeded to move 700 miles away. I'm the oldest of her four sons, so being the first to leave, it was quite hard on her and Dad. It's not like I didn't warn them though. I'd been planning to head back South after school since I was about 12. (We moved north when I was 10)

    Now it's 5 years later, and she still drops hints once in awhile about, "why don't you look for a job up here.", never mind the fact that "up here" is just another dying northeastern steel town, with zero opportunity, horrible weather, and worst of all, in a blue state. She gets the same answer every time. And now son #2, the next brother down from me, is finishing college, and it looks like he's going to join me in North Carolina, although he's going to be living down near the coast. And brother #3 is graduating high school, and looking to go to college in Orlando.

    Poor mom...
    "Terrorists don't seem to be too afraid of stern language. But I do notice, that while the fear of death does not seem to deter these people, the fact of BEING dead does significantly decrease their operational effectiveness. "
    - Bill Whittle

  15. #15
    New Member Array Bogie's Avatar
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    Saving Private Ryan makes me cry. Damn near every time I watch it.

    Not a lot, but I get a little something in my eye.

    And there's a motor pool sergeant somewhere who is likely still nursing a serious hatred regarding them mixture of Spec. 4 Bogie and a Jeep transmission...

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