April 27th, 2007 11:24 AM
Things I Didn't Learn In Hebrew School
For our fellow CC members of the jewish faith
* * THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
** * * * * 1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
** * 2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
** * 3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
** * 4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
** * 5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
** * 6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
** * 7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
** * 8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
** * 9 Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
** * 10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
** * 11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
** * 12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
** * 13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
** * 14. WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
** * 15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
** * 16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
** * 17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
** * 18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
** * 19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
** * 20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
Last edited by Miggy; April 28th, 2007 at 10:19 AM.
You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
April 27th, 2007 11:40 AM
ROFLMAO Miggs , I am not jewish , but fount that funny as hell for all folks .
Make sure you get full value out of today , Do something worthwhile, because what you do today will cost you one day off the rest of your life .
We only begin to understand folks after we stop and think .
Criminals are looking for victims, not opponents.
April 27th, 2007 11:55 AM
As a fellow Jewish CC member, The best one is #20. Very funny. the Lexus doesn't apply, but, as much as I hate it, my wife and I have been known to visit the "early bird special" restaurants.
"It does not do to leave a dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him."
J. R. R. Tolkien
April 27th, 2007 07:19 PM
I like 18 the best. And any mother or mother-in-law will do in a pinch.
April 27th, 2007 08:39 PM
It's a toss-up: 7/9/11/18. "Leaning" towards 9. Fun post, thanks.
April 28th, 2007 10:17 AM
I ain't Jewish, but I know funny when I see it!
I could tell lawyer jokes 'till I tongue fell out, but none of'em would be as funny as those, man.
Thanks for the chuckles with which to start off my day!
"...bad decisions that turn out well often make heroes."
Gary D. Mitchell, A Sniper's Journey: The Truth About the Man and the Rifle, P. 103, NAL Caliber books, 2006, 1st Ed.
April 28th, 2007 10:23 AM
Life is a scream, now matter how you slice it.
Pass the matzah.
Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
self defense (A.O.J.).
How does disarming
the number of victims?
Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos)
NRA, SAF, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.
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