Some Southern Humor

This is a discussion on Some Southern Humor within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Black Boxes in 4-wheel Drives The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the ...

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Thread: Some Southern Humor

  1. #1
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    Some Southern Humor

    Black Boxes in 4-wheel Drives

    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

    They were surprised to find in 40 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, [expletive deleted]!"

    Only the states of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina, Mississippi, Virginia, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."



    Things a True Southerner Knows:

    1. The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.
    2. Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
    3. What general direction Cattywumpus is.
    4. That "gimme sugar" don't mean "pass me the sugar."
    5. That when somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.
    6. How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
    7. Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!
    8. A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
    9. Real gravy don't come from the store.
    10. When "by and by" is.
    11. How to handle their "pot likker".
    12. The difference between "pert near" and "a right far piece."
    13. The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and white trash.
    14. At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
    15. Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
    16. You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.
    17. You should never lend your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
    18. A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.
    19. Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
    20. Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons
    .
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

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  3. #2
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    I resemble that remark! LOL
    George

    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

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    Member Array airbornerangerboogie's Avatar
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    Damndable lie, I would never hand "my" cold beer to anyone, Heck that's why they make those hats with beer holders and a plastic straw. yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!!!!!!!
    “Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” James Dean
    Phil (NRA Member and Vietnam Vet)
    ------------- My CCW ----------------
    No Guns Here Boss
    I gave them to the naked Pigmy's in New Guinea

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    Ex Member Array Glock 'em down's Avatar
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    God bless us Southern boys (and girls) but you forgot a few...

    A Southerner knows...

    ...what someone means when they say "I know that kid frontwards and backwards"

    ...what it means when someone says "I'll hit ya with both barrells!"

    ...words like warsh (or worsh - depending on what part of the South you are from), rinch, and tump (Go warsh/worsh and rinch yer hands - and don't tump over the gravy!)

    ...when a child asks their dady for permission to do something, the daddy always says, "Go ask yer momma."

    ...then the momma always says, "Go ask yer daddy."

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    VIP Member Array rodc13's Avatar
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    We also know that a fully descriptive plan of action is contained in the phrase: "Tell you whut!"
    Cheers,
    Rod
    "We're paratroopers. We're supposed to be surrounded!" Dick Winters

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    VIP Member Array Sheldon J's Avatar
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    21. They know the difference between hollar and holler
    "The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century

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    I ask for sweet tea here and they say there is sugar on the table... /hangs head

    ~Teg

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    Good stuff. If 'Ebonics' is a separate language course, 'redneck' should be also.
    eschew obfuscation

    The only thing that stops bad guys with guns is good guys with guns. SgtD

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    Member Array Smooth23's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miggy View Post
    Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
    When I lived in Arkansas briefly, that is one word of wisdom my sister gave me soon as I got there. Heres another:
    Beans at a restaurant refer to black-eyed, not green or baked.

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    Distinguished Member Array AnimalKracker's Avatar
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    Fried is NOT a dirty word.

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    VIP Member Array maclean3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smooth23 View Post
    When I lived in Arkansas briefly, that is one word of wisdom my sister gave me soon as I got there. Heres another:
    Beans at a restaurant refer to black-eyed, not green or baked.
    You say that like it's a bad thing?
    If it weren't for us Southern boys Lipitor never would'a been invented ... we're the reason it's profitable! (yes, I take it)
    Jack

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