Chuck Norris for President

This is a discussion on Chuck Norris for President within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; He actually wrote this himself If I am elected president Posted: June 11, 2007 1:00 a.m. Eastern I was wondering the other day, if I ...

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Thread: Chuck Norris for President

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    Senior Member Array dunndw's Avatar
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    Chuck Norris for President

    He actually wrote this himself

    If I am elected president
    Posted: June 11, 2007
    1:00 a.m. Eastern

    I was wondering the other day, if I ran for president, what would be my campaign promises?

    I made a list I'm certain can get me elected.

    If I'm elected president, I will…

    Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day – or else they can't vote on anything.

    Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office (why would I need them?).

    Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).

    Give a presidential pardon to … no one, ever. Baretta was right in the '70s, "Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. Don't do it!"

    Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). "American Idol" already told me they will provide the entertainment.

    Require Bill Gates and Warren Buffet to personally pay for national, comprehensive medical coverage for every American (or meet me in the Rose Garden).

    Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.

    Tattoo an American flag with the words, "In God we trust," on the forehead of every atheist.

    Give a tax credit to anyone naming their children Walker or Texas Ranger (excluding Will Farrell).

    Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for "martial arts negotiations."

    Hang Saddam Hussein (Whoops – scratch that – already did it undercover).

    Convey my plan for world peace to the United Nations: taking the governor of California with me on our "kick butt and ask questions later" USO world tour.

    Give every new military enlistee abroad a copy of my upcoming new book, "The Threat of Justice," with the words, "Arnold and I will be back to pump you up!" above my autograph.

    Bring on Donald Trump as my apprentice. When my presidential term is complete and he has obtained his black belt, or whichever comes first, he can buy the White House and of course rename it (to, what else, "The Trump House").

    Create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O' Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).

    Ask producer Mark Barnett to film "Survivor – Camp David," where world leaders will meet annually, for an all-out cage-fighting championship. The winner will take home $1,000,000 in Disney Dollars, good in Europe or America.

    Send an autographed photo of me and my horse (no dogs in my White House) to everyone who commits to read my new WorldNetDaily "presidential column" and blast a blog who dares to disagree with me.

    Complete the plan to bring Tony Blair to the U.S. as my vice president.

    Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet.

    Replace Letterman, Leno or Conan once monthly, since stand-up comedy is what most governmental officials do anyway.

    Ask Al Gore to provide me with a special governmental study on the connection between spotted owl extinction and global warming. (I'm pretty sure Michael Moore will film the docudrama).

    Help Rosie transition from "The View" to the pew – it might help her get over that anger problem. If the pew doesn't work, she can spar Trump in the Rose Garden.

    First and foremost, however, my greatest priorities will be to …

    Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.

    Make all Chuck Norris facts come true (well, not quite all of them – I'm a happily, married man!)
    "If I was an extremist, our founding fathers would all be extremists," he said. "Without them, we wouldn't have our independence. We'd be a disarmed British system of feudal subjectivity."

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  3. #2
    Ex Member Array Pete's Avatar
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    'Check' Norris?

    Is he related to Chuck?

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    Nah, he is already in the pockets of the special interests: Kung Fu Dojos!
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

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    Distinguished Member Array SixBravo's Avatar
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    Hmm... I'd like to see what Jack Bauer would have to offer as well..
    The Gunsite Blog
    ITFT / Quick Kill Review
    "It is enough to note, as we have observed, that the American people have considered the handgun to be the quintessential self-defense weapon." - Justice Scalia, SCOTUS - DC v Heller - 26 JUN 2008

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    Senior Member Array dunndw's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 0.02 View Post
    'Check' Norris?

    Is he related to Chuck?
    .PICKY PICKY PICKY... Trying to do too many things at once..and not spelchekin myself
    "If I was an extremist, our founding fathers would all be extremists," he said. "Without them, we wouldn't have our independence. We'd be a disarmed British system of feudal subjectivity."

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    Quote Originally Posted by SixBravo View Post
    Hmm... I'd like to see what Jack Bauer would have to offer as well..

    Jack Baur does not do presidencies....cuts into his killing average.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

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    Distinguished Member Array SixBravo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miggy View Post
    Jack Baur does not do presidencies....cuts into his killing average.
    It's his kill ratio that makes me think he'd make such a great President. But... alas... you are right. lolol
    The Gunsite Blog
    ITFT / Quick Kill Review
    "It is enough to note, as we have observed, that the American people have considered the handgun to be the quintessential self-defense weapon." - Justice Scalia, SCOTUS - DC v Heller - 26 JUN 2008

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