Old one but good: Daddy's Rules of Dating

Old one but good: Daddy's Rules of Dating

This is a discussion on Old one but good: Daddy's Rules of Dating within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: ...

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  1. #1
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    Old one but good: Daddy's Rules of Dating

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubts that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

    Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
    Places where there is darkness.
    Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
    Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
    Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
    Hockey games are okay.
    Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!


  2. #2
    Senior Member Array Andy W.'s Avatar
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    That's a classic!

  3. #3
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    +1...

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  4. #4
    VIP Member Array SIGguy229's Avatar
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    I got this years ago...made a single-page document and handed it to all of my friends who had daughters (or daughters on the way)---along with a box of 12ga shells...

  5. #5
    Senior Member Array flagflyfish's Avatar
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    Rule #11
    Hats are to be worn in the correct manner (Bill to the front) or they will immediatly be given to the dog as a new chew toy.

    Rule # 12
    If I hear your car "Bumpin" a block before you get here, I will render it aid with a pair of wire clippers and a BIG hammer!
    "These are the times that try men's souls. The summer soldier
    and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the
    service of his country; but he that stands it now, deserves the
    love and thanks of man and woman."

    -- Thomas Paine (The American Crisis, No. 1, 19 December 1776)

  6. #6
    VIP Member Array Cupcake's Avatar
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    Excellent! My Girls 13th birthday today. I'm very afraid. I do have a qualifying question for any potential beau: Do you have a job? If no: you don't get to date my daughter, lazy bum If yes: You are too old for my daughter. If you don't leave, I can call the cops or get my gun.
    Last edited by Cupcake; June 16th, 2007 at 09:28 AM. Reason: spellin'
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  7. #7
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    There is this young lady at work that recently became a mother of the cutest baby girl. When she brought the kid over I made the standard joke that her daddy should worry in the future about dating and boys and the young lady said that the first thing her boyfriend did after she held his daughter for the first time was to go buy a shotgun for exactly that reason.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Array BruceGibson's Avatar
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    Bravo!

  9. #9
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    I ran into that guy a couple times during high school.

    The topic came up last night as my friends and I sat around having a couple pints of what we would do if we had daughters that wanted to date. It was brought up I should come no matter which of them had a daughter (were all young bachelors with no kids yet.) A scene from Bad Boys 2 also comes to mind.
    Fortes Fortuna Juvat

    Former, USMC 0311, OIF/OEF vet
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  10. #10
    VIP Member Array TN_Mike's Avatar
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    I have this document saved and ready to print out and give any little bum who decides to date my little girl. But, so far, she has only gone to movies with her other girl friends and their parents or us. So, no real worries yet.

    I have a friend who had 2 sisters and he told me that each time a boy came over to take one of them out, his father, who was a pretty strong man and was a tug boat capitan on the Mississippi river, would be sitting on the front porch watering his flowers with the garden hose. As the boy came up to the porch and announced he was there to pick one of the girls up, his Dad would spray the kid with the hose and tell him to have her back by 11pm. There the kid stood, dripping wet and in shock about what just happened and knowing with no uncertainty that he had better have her back by 11pm. I thought that was a unique way to handle the situation.

    Heck, we don't let our daughter go to any of her friends houses until we have met and gotten to know their parents well. She thinks this is too overprotective (I firmly believe there is no such thing as overprotective) but she accepts it and I think she does understand. I point out to her every time a girl her age is kidnapped or found murdered (too many times a year that's for sure) and I point out every time that these things can and do happen anywhere. She understands.

    She goes shooting with us and is a very good shot for her age. She is taking karate classes for self defense.

    You can do all these things and still, you worry every second that they are not in your eyesight. I don't expect the worry to ever go away, even when they are fully grown. But, when they are old enough to carry, it might get a little better. We'll see.
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  11. #11
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    I'm going to avoid the whole problem completely... I'm locking my daughter in the basement till she's 75!

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by buckeye07 View Post
    I ran into that guy a couple times during high school.
    Buckeye fess up! You were that guy in high school!
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  13. #13
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    By that guy I meant the father, ran into a couple of them. Found it usually helps if you make small talk about the shotgun/1911 he is cleaning

    I kept my pants around my waist, but was known in the neighborhood for my driving "skills" in high school, play(ed) my music too loud, and now have a truck with cherry bombs. O the mommies and daddies love me.
    Fortes Fortuna Juvat

    Former, USMC 0311, OIF/OEF vet
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  14. #14
    VIP Member Array Tom G's Avatar
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    The young girls around here tell the their mothers that they are staying at each others house overnight. Then they get togeather and run all over town with out their parents being any wiser. When my wife sees them running around she calls their parents and ask "Do you know where your daughter is."

    This is a dangerous world for young girls and they need all the help they can get until they develop some common sense of their own.
    Last edited by Tom G; June 16th, 2007 at 08:07 PM. Reason: add

  15. #15
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    I'm so glad I have a son
    “You can sway a thousand men by appealing to their prejudices quicker than you can convince one man by logic.”

    ― Robert A. Heinlein,

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