If Washington Crossed The Delaware in 2007

If Washington Crossed The Delaware in 2007

This is a discussion on If Washington Crossed The Delaware in 2007 within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; By Tom Purcell Sunday, July 1, 2007 Let me get this straight, Gen. Washington: You want us, the representatives of the Second Continental Congress, to ...

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Thread: If Washington Crossed The Delaware in 2007

  1. #1
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    If Washington Crossed The Delaware in 2007

    By Tom Purcell
    Sunday, July 1, 2007

    Let me get this straight, Gen. Washington: You want us, the representatives of the Second Continental Congress, to fund a sneak attack on British troops starting on Christmas?
    That is correct, sir. After we declared our independence from King George, he was most unhappy. He ordered his army to attack us. The Brits have made tremendous gains on our homeland.

    Gains, Washington?

    Sir, whereas our Continental Army is something of a motley crew, the Brits are well-trained and well-funded. Their forces include Hessian mercenaries, professional fighters who are most skilled at the art of war.

    Your point, Washington?

    The Brits beat us badly in Long Island, sir, forcing us to retreat to Manhattan. They beat us in Manhattan, causing us to retreat across the Hudson River into New Jersey. They beat us in New Jersey, forcing us to retreat across the Delaware River into Pennsylvania. It is there where my men are now encamped, sir. Our situation is desperate.

    What do you mean desperate, Washington?

    We are on the verge of losing to the Brits, sir. The noble ideas and truths that our Declaration of Independence has advanced -- that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, including Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness -- are in danger.

    And the best you can come up with is a sneak attack?

    Sir, the Hessians are known to drink and be merry on Christmas. We expect them to lay down their arms to partake in great merriment. By attacking them when they least expect it, we hope to beat them in New Jersey and turn the tides of this war in our favor.

    What exactly do you want from us, Washington?

    Sir, my men are starving. Some are without shoes on their feet. The snow is falling and the temperature is unbearably cold. Yet all I ask is that you provide the additional resources we need to pull off the impossible.

    I see, Washington. It's government funding you're after. We'll consider providing such funding if you agree with our terms.

    Terms, sir?

    You said your troops are comprised of men? Do you mean to tell us there are no women among your troops? That you are unaware of government diversity mandates, Washington!

    Sir, I was barely able to assemble our ragtag group of soldiers as it was and I ...

    And you say you're encamped along the Delaware River? I assume your men are cutting down trees and burning fires. Don't you care what your men are doing to the landscape, Washington? Do you have any idea what your carbon footprint is?

    Carbon footprint?

    And you're also ignorant of the Fair Labor Standards Act, Washington? Your men, employees of the government, are being worked well beyond the 40-hour work week. You pay them no overtime and now you want them to invade New Jersey on an official government holiday? Can you say "lawsuits," Washington?

    Lawsuits, sir?

    What's worse is that you intend to transport your troops across the Delaware on a series of boats! How could you not know that that stretch of river is home to the purple-bellied snorkel fish? And that the hibernation of this endangered species will be disturbed by your crossing!

    The snorkel what, sir?

    Look, Washington, I'm sure I speak on behalf of most of the representatives of this Congress and most Americans when I say this: Your war strategy has been prosecuted with great incompetence. We don't think we want to fund your lofty ideas anymore. We think it's time to bring the troops home.

    But we're at war, sir. This is no time for partisan politics. These are the times that try men's souls.

    Souls, Washington? Now you're trying to bring religion into it. You've lost your mind, Washington. You've gone bloody mad.

    When you’re wounded and left on Afghanistan’s plains,
    And the women come out to cut up what remains,
    Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains,
    And go to your God like a soldier.

    Rudyard Kipling


  2. #2
    Senior Member Array mech1369dlw's Avatar
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    Yep, that about sums it up.
    A person is justified in the use of deadly force, if such person reasonably believes deadly force is necessary to prevent imminent death or great bodily harm to such person or a third person.

  3. #3
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    Every year at Christmas there is (supposed) a reenactment of the crossing. I forget how many times in the past few years it's been called off because of weather!

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

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    VIP Member Array Old Chief's Avatar
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    And the beat goes on. That is, of course, the beat of the liberal defaetist drum.
    When you accept mediocrity you sow the seeds for future failure.
    One should never confuse good fortune with good training.
    Illegitimus Non Carborundum. In God we trust.

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    Don't Forget....he'd need a permit to cross the river. He'd also have to have a Coast Guard safety inspection. Have enough life jackets. Would be limited on the number in the boat. File an environmental impact study with the EPA. Get approval from the Veterans Admin......etc....
    A vote is like a rifle, its usefulness is based on the character of the user -T Roosevelt

    If you carry a gun, some will call you paranoid. If I carry, what do I have to be paranoid about? -C Smith

    An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it. -J Cooper

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    VIP Member Array SIGguy229's Avatar
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    Ummm....could he cross the Delaware with..<gasp>...guns?

    Wouldn't each firearm need to be test fired and to identify who fired which shot...in case an innocent bystander were killed? It's for the children, ya know...

    Will they allow privately owned weapons?

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    Member Array HRnTX's Avatar
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    So very true...

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    Distinguished Member Array Dakotaranger's Avatar
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    You forgot we were stuck in a quagmire.
    "[T]he people are not to be disarmed of their weapons.
    They are left in full possession of them."

    Zacharia Johnson (speech in the Virginia Ratifying Convention,25 June 1778)"The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed." ~Alexander Hamilton

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    VIP Member Array simon's Avatar
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    And after the dust settled... this is the land of the free and the home of the brave....Happy 4th !

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by SIGguy229 View Post
    Ummm....could he cross the Delaware with..<gasp>...guns?
    INTO NEW JERSEY?? Forgot about that part! They'd NEVER get the required permits!

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  11. #11
    Member Array gopher's Avatar
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    I am a vet and I cry for country
    When outnumbered 2 to 1.
    Shoot twice!

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