God v. Satan in a Healthy Lifestyle (creation)

This is a discussion on God v. Satan in a Healthy Lifestyle (creation) within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; THE TRUE CREATION STORY In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and populated the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green, yellow, ...

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Thread: God v. Satan in a Healthy Lifestyle (creation)

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array ExSoldier's Avatar
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    Wink God v. Satan in a Healthy Lifestyle (creation)

    THE TRUE CREATION STORY

    In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and populated the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green, yellow, and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

    And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

    So God said, ”Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented thousand-island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

    God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” And Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

    God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips, and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

    God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and it 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that? And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.”

    And Man went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

    Then Satan created HMOs.
    Former Army Infantry Captain; 25 yrs as an NRA Certified Instructor; Avid practitioner of the martial art: KLIK-PAO.

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    Ex, where did you come up with something like this? It's funny.
    eschew obfuscation

    The only thing that stops bad guys with guns is good guys with guns. SgtD

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    VIP Member Array aus71383's Avatar
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    I spread butter on bacon once....is that bad?

    Seriously - everyone knows that things taste better with more butter and sugar on them. Maybe a little salt too.

    My wife and I enjoyed it.

    Austin

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    Member Array Chaddae52's Avatar
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    Cracked me up man! lol
    "Like a muddied spring or polluted well is a righteous man who gives way to the wicked." -Proverbs 25:26

    "If the thief is found breaking in, and he is struck so that he dies, there shall be no guilt for his bloodshed..." -Exodus 22:2

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    VIP Member Array ExSoldier's Avatar
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    Try THIS one:

    GRANDMA IN COURT
    >> > > >>
    Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
    >> > > >>
    He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
    >> > > >>
    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
    >> > > >>
    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
    >> > > >>
    The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both
    counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
    Former Army Infantry Captain; 25 yrs as an NRA Certified Instructor; Avid practitioner of the martial art: KLIK-PAO.

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    Well Let's Get Back To The Garden...

    Adam was sitting all alone in the Garden of Eden. The Lord spoke to him and said, "Adam, I have created a partner for you. She is the most beautiful thing you will ever lay eyes upon. She will worry about your every need. She will wait on you day and night. She will be over-sexed, and will do all that you ask. She will never have a complaint. She will never remember any mistakes that you should make. You are going to be forever happy."

    Adam replied, "God, this is very exciting, but what is it going to cost me?"

    God said, "An arm and a leg!"

    Then Adam asked, "God, what could I get for just a rib?"

    ret
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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