Lawyer Humor - too funny!

Lawyer Humor - too funny!

This is a discussion on Lawyer Humor - too funny! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci ...

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Thread: Lawyer Humor - too funny!

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array USPnTX's Avatar
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    Lawyer Humor - too funny!

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
    morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you sh*@t$#g me?

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett'in laid!

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you sh*@t$#g me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
    attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

    — And the best for last: —
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
    "Do not fear those who disagree with you; fear those that do and are too cowardly to admit it" - Napoleon


  2. #2
    Assistant Administrator
    Array P95Carry's Avatar
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    I got this thru email other day - it is reputedly a selection of genuine items!
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  3. #3
    Distinguished Member Array USPnTX's Avatar
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    As they say truth is stranger than fiction!
    "Do not fear those who disagree with you; fear those that do and are too cowardly to admit it" - Napoleon

  4. #4
    Distinguished Member Array P7fanatic's Avatar
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    Cool

    That was a blast. Thank you!

  5. #5
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    It always brings a smile, but it has been around for years, one of the classics, especially the last one.
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

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    Senior Member Array jeephipwr's Avatar
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    I love it


  7. #7
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    The scary part is that some of those attorneys are now judges, governors, legislators, etc.
    George

    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

  8. #8
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    Array RETSUPT99's Avatar
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    Funny...

    I could add another personal one...

    I was questioned by an attorney during a case where our school was taken to court over a 'separation of church and state' issue (compliments of a wacko parent and the ACLU).

    The parent/ACLU were searching for 'anything' smelling of religion in shcool.

    I was one of many questioned...I was asked if I was a Christian...Yes...and also...what it meant to be saved. Our attorney objected, but I spoke up and answered, that it meant that when I die, I wouldn't be seeing an attorneys... Our attorney did laugh, the opposing attorney withdrew the question!

    The case was eventually thrown out...
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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  9. #9
    VIP Member Array peacefuljeffrey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rstickle View Post
    It always brings a smile, but it has been around for years, one of the classics, especially the last one.
    True, it's been around quite a while, and I always get a laugh out of it.

    However, I have to wonder about the authenticity of some of them, given that the responses here are modified from how I've seen them elsewhere. If they've been embellished, they're not real: and the humor comes from imagining that they were actually said in court...

  10. #10
    VIP Member Array aus71383's Avatar
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    First time for my wife and I - we both got a laugh.

    Austin

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