Lawyer Humor - too funny!

Lawyer Humor - too funny!

This is a discussion on Lawyer Humor - too funny! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci ...

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Thread: Lawyer Humor - too funny!

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array USPnTX's Avatar
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    Lawyer Humor - too funny!

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
    morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you sh*@t$#g me?

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett'in laid!

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Are you sh*@t$#g me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
    attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

    — And the best for last: —
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
    "Do not fear those who disagree with you; fear those that do and are too cowardly to admit it" - Napoleon

  2. #2
    VIP Member (Retired Staff) Array P95Carry's Avatar
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    I got this thru email other day - it is reputedly a selection of genuine items!
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  3. #3
    Distinguished Member Array USPnTX's Avatar
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    As they say truth is stranger than fiction!
    "Do not fear those who disagree with you; fear those that do and are too cowardly to admit it" - Napoleon

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  5. #4
    Distinguished Member Array P7fanatic's Avatar
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    Cool

    That was a blast. Thank you!

  6. #5
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    It always brings a smile, but it has been around for years, one of the classics, especially the last one.
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  7. #6
    Senior Member Array jeephipwr's Avatar
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    I love it


  8. #7
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    The scary part is that some of those attorneys are now judges, governors, legislators, etc.
    George

    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

  9. #8
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    Funny...

    I could add another personal one...

    I was questioned by an attorney during a case where our school was taken to court over a 'separation of church and state' issue (compliments of a wacko parent and the ACLU).

    The parent/ACLU were searching for 'anything' smelling of religion in shcool.

    I was one of many questioned...I was asked if I was a Christian...Yes...and also...what it meant to be saved. Our attorney objected, but I spoke up and answered, that it meant that when I die, I wouldn't be seeing an attorneys... Our attorney did laugh, the opposing attorney withdrew the question!

    The case was eventually thrown out...
    Proverbs 27:12 says: “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”

    ***********************************
    Certified Glock Armorer
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  10. #9
    VIP Member Array peacefuljeffrey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rstickle View Post
    It always brings a smile, but it has been around for years, one of the classics, especially the last one.
    True, it's been around quite a while, and I always get a laugh out of it.

    However, I have to wonder about the authenticity of some of them, given that the responses here are modified from how I've seen them elsewhere. If they've been embellished, they're not real: and the humor comes from imagining that they were actually said in court...

  11. #10
    VIP Member Array aus71383's Avatar
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    First time for my wife and I - we both got a laugh.

    Austin

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