Lawyer Humor - too funny!

[USPnTX]

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*@t$#g me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you sh*@t$#g me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

— And the best for last: —
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[DefensiveCarry.com]

[P95Carry]

I got this thru email other day - it is reputedly a selection of genuine items!

[USPnTX]

As they say truth is stranger than fiction!

[P7fanatic]

That was a blast. Thank you!

[rstickle]

It always brings a smile, but it has been around for years, one of the classics, especially the last one.

[jeephipwr]

[dr_cmg]

The scary part is that some of those attorneys are now judges, governors, legislators, etc.

[retsupt99]

Funny...

I could add another personal one...

I was questioned by an attorney during a case where our school was taken to court over a 'separation of church and state' issue (compliments of a wacko parent and the ACLU).

The parent/ACLU were searching for 'anything' smelling of religion in shcool.

I was one of many questioned...I was asked if I was a Christian...Yes...and also...what it meant to be saved. Our attorney objected, but I spoke up and answered, that it meant that when I die, I wouldn't be seeing an attorneys... Our attorney did laugh, the opposing attorney withdrew the question!

The case was eventually thrown out...

[peacefuljeffrey]

It always brings a smile, but it has been around for years, one of the classics, especially the last one.

True, it's been around quite a while, and I always get a laugh out of it.

However, I have to wonder about the authenticity of some of them, given that the responses here are modified from how I've seen them elsewhere. If they've been embellished, they're not real: and the humor comes from imagining that they were actually said in court...

[aus71383]

First time for my wife and I - we both got a laugh.

Austin