The Bill of Rights was written over 200 years ago. Unfortunately, it has
never been updated, unlike almost every other law.

President Bush recently announced that a commission headed by former US
Attorney General John Ashcroft updated the Bill of Rights to reflect modern

Unlike the previous bill of rights, this one will cost money. As so
eloquently stated by committee vice-chair Bag O. Gold, ?It is time
freeloaders stopped enjoying the Bill of Rights without paying a dime. You
have to pay for the right to drive a car (drivers license), you have to pay
for the right to enjoy national parks (entrance fee), why should you be able
to enjoy the bill of rights without paying a penny??

Thus, similar to most other bills, the Bill of Rights only protects people
who pay their monthly Bill. The basic package starts at 15% of gross income
monthly....but citizens will be given the option to upgrade to a ?gold?
package for only 5% more. Those who do not pay their bills within 15 days of
the due date may have their Bill of Rights disconnected at any time.

Those who pay their monthly Bill will benefit from the new and improved Bill
of Rights:

(1) Congress shall make no law favoring one religion over another, but it
can promote religion over non-religion by directing federal agencies to
establish an office of "faith based programs" and by having His Holiness,
President Bush, promote religion from the white house pulpit;

(2) everyone shall have a right to keep a fully automatic assault rifle and
machine gun in their home or person. Rabbits and ducks are getting
increasingly more violent, so hunters must often resort to this high-powered

(3) no soldier shall ransack your home, unless your home is in another
country, in which case they can at any time;

(4) everyone has a right against search except in any public location;
airports; motor vehicle; sidewalk; street; anywhere that may be reached by
sunlight; not reached by sunlight; or any place that has a name starting
with a letter between a-z;

(5) no person shall be required to testify against himself in court if he
wants to take a nap instead;

(6) every person charged with a crime has the right to be tried by a jury of
citizens who could not think up an excuse to get out of jury duty or
otherwise had nothing better to do in life than to serve;

(7) if you loaned someone $20 because they were short on cash and didn't
want to run to the ATM, and they don't pay you back, you have the right to
sue them and have a panel of jurors hear the case;

(8) every person who beaks the law shall not pay an excessive fine, unless
it is for jaywalking, illegal parking, speeding, or any offense of similar
or greater seriousness, in which case the person shall be required to pay a
heavy and substantial fine;

(9) if we didn't list anything here, it doesn't mean we didn't want to
exclude it from this list, it just means we got too intoxicated on the fine
wine supplied by lobbyists and didn't think of it;

(10) powers not expressly given to the federal government in this
constitution are reserved to the states; except the states will be deemed to
give them back to the federal government, so in short, the federal
government can do everything we want!