May 27th, 2005 11:57 AM
Swear ta gawd,couldn't stop laughin' Betty. Wait til the wife gets home she will freak. We have a little human dressed in a cat suit that looks just like that. THANKS----
May 27th, 2005 01:01 PM
OK...Here's a couple lamers!
THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother.......................................Plea se Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..............................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store...Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia........................U Gogh
His dizzy aunt.............................................. ...Verti Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.....................................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle...........................................Wh erediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin...........................................A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.................Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle......................................Cant Gogh
The fruit loving cousin......................................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking..................Wayto Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.....Winniebay Gogh
Rejected Hallmark Cards:
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat...Sorry.
You had your bladder removed
And you're on the mends
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.
Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.
Kimber Ultra CDP Elite STS II
A gun is a tool...the real weapon is between your ears!
May 27th, 2005 05:08 PM
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?
Why you don't mess with a woman in the kitchen:
One day, while Joe's wife was frying potatoes in her cast-iron skillet, she came to a decision, "Ya know, all of my life I've wanted bigger boobs, so I'm going to get some implants. It probably won't cost more than $5000"
Joe whom, his wife had learned, could be both cheap AND sarcastic, replied, "You don't need to go spending all of that money! There's an easier way to get your boobs to grow, and it won't cost anything!"
"What's that?" asked the incredulous wife.
"Every day, take a wad of toilet paper and rub it between your boobs. Do it once in the morning and again before bed. I guaran-damn-tee that your boobs will get bigger"
The now suspicious wife cocked an eyebrow at her husband, "And you think that will work?"
The husband smiled, "Why not? It sure as hell worked on your ass!!"
He was unconscious before he hit the floor.
May 27th, 2005 06:03 PM
Love the cat Betty!!! Some good laffs all told in this thread!!
Something "Very" Special.....
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Chris - P95
NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.
"To own a gun and assume that you are armed
is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."
- a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.
May 27th, 2005 09:13 PM
Just got this one in an e-mail:
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like to have the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit that he is wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought that her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him dressed in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check, and says "I don't care what it costs, but please have him in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns on the following day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe, and the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician returns her blank check and says, "There is no charge."
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing."
"You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So, I just switched the heads."
"I surrounded 'em"- Alvin York
"They're ain't many troubles that a man can't fix with seven hundred dollars and a thirty ought six"- Jeff Cooper
May 27th, 2005 09:14 PM
Confucious say, Man Who Fart In Church, Sit In Own Pew.
Originally Posted by Betty
May 28th, 2005 02:55 AM
Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk.
One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."
"You must be so proud" says the other. "This is my second son. He is a martyr also."
"A fine looking young man", replies his friend.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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