Who's got the other end of the log...?

Who's got the other end of the log...?

This is a discussion on Who's got the other end of the log...? within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I had a difficult day. Oh, not in terms of pain and strife, like that of being a widower concrete shoveler. It was more like ...

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Thread: Who's got the other end of the log...?

  1. #1
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    Who's got the other end of the log...?

    I had a difficult day. Oh, not in terms of pain and strife, like that of being a widower concrete shoveler. It was more like watching a birthday party through the pane of a locked door. So, I started thinking--usually a bad thing for a sober biker to do. Usually that ends in liquor, gunpowder, damaged vehicles, arrest...

    I'm always there to make you laugh. Time to return the favor.

    I got up this morning, I had to work. As I drove to the gym to figure out why my jeans had shrunk I must have passed a dozen gleefully truckin' Harley riders. As my truck got nearer to Madison, I hit road construction.

    While there were several pretty girls at the gym, some blackguard had preceded my visit and hammered sticks up most of their dime-tight rectums. My shower got cold as I washed my gray, and yet luxurious, hair.

    I made almost no money sharpening today. I did meet a guy who said he had "an old unwanted knife" in his car and could I look at it. It didn't take long to realize that the knife was of collector value. I called a good client who collects that variety, who raced to my location in 15 minutes flat.

    My client offered the man 125 dollars in cash, which was eagerly accepted. As the man left and we did research, we found that the pristine knife was a stamped and numbered collectible from 1968 and worth about 600 bucks.

    I did not get a finder's fee, but I did get home late. We had burgers.

    I got mail today. My brother, a product of our same parents and not Sicilian, sent me a maudlin video of his university testimonial dinner and the scattering of our parent's ashes, replete with pictures of our lives and the family home. As the black sheep of our family, my pictorial contribution consisted of my brother and I looking at my Harley and my home's welcome mat, which is embossed with the words "Go Away."

    Ergo, distinguished outgoing college dean and rapscallion outlaw hermit biker. Gee, I wonder who did the editing?

    So, CCW family, I'm out of jokes and cookie dough reparte' on the human experience. I don't need or want insight on firearms today, but I could use a good laugh. I could use a bad laugh. I could use some cheesecake pictures of Euc's girl friend, whether she is inflated or not.

    Take your best shot.


  2. #2
    Member Array scratchy wilson's Avatar
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    Forgive me, good sir, as I have just recently partaken of grain and grape, and also fed upon enchiladas most foul, and of burritos of questionable character and lineage, that the only wisdom I may impart is to remind Master Bumper that he dwells in the valley, where I choose to nest in the mountains, and that which flows from the mountain, does not return....


    anyways, this attachment might be good for a chuckle...
    Attached Images

  3. #3
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    Thumbs up Feel Better Mate!

    The end of the world is not coming until December 12, 2012 12/12/12 Still Plenty Of Time Left.
    Liberty Over Tyranny Μολὼν λαβέ

  4. #4
    VIP Member Array Euclidean's Avatar
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    Let's see... I got up this morning at 5 AM, packed for a trip, went to work intent on staying there until 4 PM, left at 9:30 AM instead, having spent the previous evening insuring my oil was changed, my air filter was changed, my fuel filter was changed, all engine fluids were topped off, the tires were rotated, and inflated to the proper pressure.

    Arriving at 1 PM I promptly wound up assisting my younger brother as he fired up his arc welder to fabricate a trailer dolley. After seeing the job he did on some of that metal work, I have decided if I ever want a shotgun barrel cut down I'll have him do it for me.

    Then came a mad evening consisting of going to a reception for a retiring attorney, dining at my favorite Mexican restraunt, stacking furniture, and crawling around in an attic.

    For all this I have one thing to show: A simple gun rack, hand made out of American Black Walnut, found resting in the rafters of said attic, long forgotten.

    The state of Texas is poised to cut my retirement benefits to insure I work another 10 years for a lesser pension while slashing 3 billion from the education budget. They're also dragging their heels on my CCW license and educator's certification.

    Was any of that humorous? I could always write another wonderful poem.

  5. #5
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    Euclidean

    :outtahereWe want another poem...
    We want another poem...

    OK ~ OK ~ This will cheer you up for sure.
    Somebody sent me this picture when I was feeling "Down In The Dumps" one time. And the caption was:
    With all the colors of the rainbow to choose from...
    Don't You Be Blue!


    There now...doesn't that just wanna make you puke your guts out?
    Ok ~ I'm done trying to cheer you up.
    I gave it my best doggone shot.
    You're on your own now.
    Tough it out all by yourself.
    Last edited by QKShooter; May 27th, 2005 at 01:55 AM.

  6. #6
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    There once was this math guy, Euclidean.
    Whose poems you must take with ritalin.
    But the biker just sighed
    At this doggerel he tried
    He'd rather a blonde girl for diddlin.'

  7. #7
    1952 - 2006
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    I thought this was pretty cute.

    A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

    The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

    The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

    The pharmacist's said, "I'm sorry ma'am, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

    It's against the law. I'd lose my license; they would throw both of us in jail. I absolutely cannot let you have any cyanide."

    Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
    Heroes are people who do what has to be done, when it has to be done, regardless of the consequences

    "I like when the enemy shoots at me; then I know where the ******** are and can kill them."
    ~George Patton

    DE OPPRESSO LIBER

  8. #8
    sm
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    Lets see, I gave up drinking back in '84, finally figured out getting drunk at 'em was not accomplishing too much.

    I awoke this morning and had a "Prostitue's Breakfast". That is usually called something else...being new here to the forum and all...oh this is coffee and cigarettes btw.

    Hey - folks like me have something to look forward to when they awake...

    Currently I am playing "Home Improvement Supervisor" at Mom's house. Her portable phone does not have caller ID, I'm in and out with the worker's...

    In a 30 minute time period I had all these Media types call - you know polls, subscriptions, getting nosy about stuff...

    Newsweek slammed the phone on me, to end the call. All I suggested is maybe North Korea could use some Media Puppets to broadcast State news...

    Oh...found a new delicacy. Pineapple Preserves. This stuff is great with Cheese and crackers. Kinda funky with pepperoni...well at first it was. Now the Ham and Cheese nuked with a dollop of Pineapple Preserves...dat is some good stuff !!!

    I don't think I'm gonna have to talk to mom about some folks bugging her to take subscriptions anymore...

    Use Enough Gun

  9. #9
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    Well, at least tomorrow's Friday. And truth be told, it's been a week where this old dog learned some new tricks.

    And I don't mean book-learnin' type of stuff. It's been more of a "never play cards with a guy a named Doc" education.

    Ask for down payments.
    Ask for phone numbers.
    Never assume that this knife collector is as honest as you assume you are.
    Sweating taking it off is harder than eating putting it on.
    As Dad said, "A pasta fork fits you better than a stiletto, you dumb kid." 1963
    Never sell a knife to a friend. If you have to, ask for a down payment.
    Mirrored blades look good only on TV shows.
    I'm not on a TV show.
    Guys who have worked as butchers for 30 years know 'jack' about edges.
    You cannot tell a butcher with three decades of experience anything.
    Like two cousins and one uncle, I will probably die with a mirrored blade.
    My cousins and my uncles were not knife salesmen, if you catch the drift.
    My brother's idea of 'ethnic food' is Thai, French and Italian.
    My brother, living with me in one bedroom, thinks The Olive Garden is Italian.
    Never apologize. Not for the benign reason. It just does no fracken good.

    Yeah, I know this sounds harsh, and harsh it remains. Sometimes a bull has to break every vase in a china shop before he settles down.

  10. #10
    sm
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    Lewis Grizzard

    Anyone read his stuff? I mean the titles alone are worth reading. Had the chance to see him live back when...Best I recall the story ...

    So the kid goes into the Drug Store " need condoms" he asked the Druggist. Druggist notices the kid is all smiles, " hot date" Druggist asked " Sure thing" the kid replies with a wink.

    Kid goes to pick up his date, date suggests he meet her parents, they were playing Monoply. "Honey, instead of going out - lets play Monoply with your parents?"

    She gives him that "look", she sits opposite of him and continues that "look". She is dressed to kill, and stuck playing a Board game with her parents...

    About 11 pm , the kid says " Oh I really enjoyed myself, nice meeting you both , I need to head home" to the parents.

    The Girl in a firm voice " I'll walk you out"

    Outside - " I didn't know you were such a fan of Monoply?" she quips

    " Didn't know your Dad was the Druggist at the new Drug Store in town either".
    Use Enough Gun

  11. #11
    Member Array Fjolnirsson's Avatar
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    I'll give it a try....

    2 jokes for you. The first:

    Broke is Broke

    A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

    "Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

    "Go away", said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

    Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

    "Don't be too hasty!", he said, " Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

    And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

    "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

    The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."



    And the 2nd:

    A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mrs. Clinton is in the road very upset. Bill owes $33.5 million to his lawyers, and he's a cheating *******. The Democrats have told her she will not get the nomination in '08. She is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for her so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"
    "Water can flow, or it can crash. Be like water, my friend."-Bruce Lee

    My Blog

    "Luck, often enough, will save a man if his courage does hold."

  12. #12
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    My Dad once swapped motorcycle stories with this averge guy at a neighborhood round-robin (which is a giant barbeque in a subdivision). That "average guy," later in life, was the father of my past fiancee.'

    We can swap jokes, but here is a case where I lived one of them.

  13. #13
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    "Smile, and the world smiles with you. Fart, and you stand alone. " - Phil Wendt III

    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

  14. #14
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    Enjoyed them all especially the pictures they were great. The morning after breakfast of champions is foreskins on toast, good for the heart and anything else that bothers you.
    --an olde
    Guy has a pet duck that he takes everywhere, he goes to the movie and stuffs the duck in the front of his pants. Once seated alongside this lady and her guy he proceeds to unzip his fly to let the duck get some air. The lady tells her boyfriend the guy next to her has his thing out, boyfriend says not to worry ignore him. She says well the dam thing is eating my popcorn.
    As you slide down the banister of life,
    May the splinters never point the wrong way.
    ---
    NRA Life Member

  15. #15
    VIP Member
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    Turn the volume up and click here.

    ---

    Did you ever hear the joke about the blonde wolf? She chewed off three of her legs and she was still stuck in the trap. (canned laugh)
    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

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