You can't make this stuff up.

This is a discussion on You can't make this stuff up. within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; As much as I advertise the biker side of my twisted personality, I am a baptized Christian. To be sure, I'm the least of the ...

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Thread: You can't make this stuff up.

  1. #1
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    You can't make this stuff up.

    As much as I advertise the biker side of my twisted personality, I am a baptized Christian. To be sure, I'm the least of the bretheren, but I go, I listen to The Word, and I earnestly pray for redemption; the back half of my life looks a lot better than the front half.

    I threw on my crappy road clothes today (Saturday is Sabbath for SDA's) only because one of my friends had KP duty today for pot-luck.

    If you ever want free food to show up, invite Seventh Day Adventists. They are incapable of going to any event--be that a goat roping, a roof shingling or a colonoscopy--without setting up a pot-luck.

    As I was bringing some unneeded additional food from my wife's Explorer, one of "The Twins" comes roaring through our parking lot at a high rate of speed in something like a Lincoln Continental, locks up the binders and skids to a halt.

    (I must document here that a lottery has started betting on whether he or his sibling will be the first one into prison. I put a 'dime' on the fact that they'll pull a home invasion together.)

    As bad as that sounds, the path he took crosses a section of the tarmac that toddlers use to get to the swingset area.

    Whatever thin veil of Christianity that I have misappropriated fell from my continence. I strode a straight path to the brain-donor and proceded to verbally chop this future cell-***** down to semi-thawed jello. Whenever I saw his soft mouth start to open, I raised the level and volume of this ass-ripping to another unheard of height of stratosphere.

    After church we find a written threat (he says he'll stab me) under one of the windshield wipers and a shoe print on the front right side fender skirt.

    Many questions race through my head. First off, doesn't this guy watch CSI? I have his shoe print and a sample of his hand-writing on the threat.

    Then, of all the options for a duel this buck picks, he picks knives. Think of that for a moment. He picks knives to fight an old biker, taught by ex-con bikers, to fight with implements that the old guy sharpens for a living.

    I called the police force that has jurisdiction for the church and asked for a squad rod to fill out the report, check the damage and take possession of the written threat. The cop doing this phone duty was laughing as he typed. We both agreed that this isn't going to take Sherlock Holmes to solve.

    We figure this might cost the kid an arrest, possibly a felony charge, at least 4,000 dollars in fender repairs and my attorney's fees (plus whatever his own lawyer charges), and at the worst of all times--he just turned 18 years old.

    There is one upside to this weird tale. My Father and my Uncle never lived to see this. They had an 'old world' notion about threats to their family.

    (Oh, and BTW, I might owe an apology to all of my knife forum chat members. For years, I have harped that learning knife fighting was a senseless venture. I always said, "The next knife fight you see will be in the stage production of The West Side Story." Oh, don't worry, I haven't lost my sense of humor; in fact, I might be able to tell that knife-to-a-gunfight joke.)

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  3. #2
    VIP Member Array CLASS3NH's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    Gee now <scratching head> I think I remember Sean Connery sporting this line form the Untouchables. "Just like a ###, bringing a knife to a gunfight" Hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm sure you'll take care of things in a big way
    BUT.always remember......the other one sitting in the background with a 12 Ga, just like Frank Nitty was with that Thompson SMG.. be carefull

  4. #3
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    Of course I worry for family and friends--they're the ones that might pay the freight on a physical assault done by a coward.

    Let's face it, if you or I get into a fist fight at the saloon for mouthing off, who is to blame? It's simple, it's your own well earned stupidity. It's a whole 'nuther matter if the idiot attacks your wife (or her SUV) from the rear when the biker ain't around.

    A guy who can only gather his courage with a note left in your abscence is the kind of guy I really worry about. I've learned the rules at my end of the gene pool, but a guy who risks killing toddlers with a burn-out just defies what little logic I have.


    One half hour has passed since my last paragraph. The Dane County Sheriff just left my home with my statement, photos of the damage to the Explorer and the threatening note on church stationery.

    I wondering if I can make a buck submitting this to one of those "stupid criminal" magazine columns.

  5. #4
    Senior Member Array GoodSamaritan's Avatar
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    I would wait until the kid is arrested, then sell it.

    On a more serious note, watch your six. Most of the time guys like this are all talk, but you never know when one of them is just crazy to ambush you or the misses.

    BTW, while I generally prefer not to raise my voice, there is a time and a place for it. If you recall, God thought it noteworthy to put the story about Jesus taking a scourge "aka very nasty whip" and running a whole bunch of money changers out of the temple. Far be it from me to judge another mans actions, but I strongly suspect an 18 year old kid taking a very real chance on flatening a toddler in a church parking lot, is an appropriate time and place.

  6. #5
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    'Samaritan,

    Of course, it is my salvation and not my body I really worry about.

    As for my "6," yes, I have considered it. Unfortunately, he has made more enemies than allies. As I have stated, his own uncle has a toddler that uses that tarmac crosswalk.

    I had a telephone chat with the Pastor today. As of now, the kid can no longer use the parking lot. Whether that holds, who knows. The kid might just roar through the lot again in defiance.

    The Pastor admitted that he has seen the kid do the exact same stunt once before. He claims he ran out to stop the kid, but the kid squealed away before he could catch him. Nice sentiment.

    Why hasn't the Pastor spoken with him since?

    It still stuns me. He makes a powerful enemy--and hands him evidence--for the silly delight of doing a four-wheel drift.

  7. #6
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    I guess there's no limit to pure stupidity; the reckless punk doesn't care for the safety of others, and has yet to learn the limits of his own mortality.

    He's used to getting away with things. I doubt, from his actions so far, he'd be the kind to kowtow to the law. He's the kind who wants the last word, and reading how he waited for you to leave to be bold and leave you a love letter and thrash an innocent vehicle, he's a coward. He may never confront you face to face unless he has a pack of his friends, but he's an ankle-biting dog, the kind who starts fires, deflates tires, and creeps up on you from behind.

    I know you can take care of yourself, Tourist, but stay safe just the same - your wife and congregation, too.
    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

  8. #7
    Member Array ebd10's Avatar
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    Hey Tourist:
    I admire your restraint. I have to admit, the front half of my life is nothing to be proud of either. But, I have NO sense of humor when it comes to protecting my children. When I perceive that my family is threatened, all, of the lessons that I learned the hard way come to the fore, and bad thoughts form. I commend you for leaving this to the "proper" authorities. You can always pray that a close up look at the inside of a cell will give him the dose of reality that he needs.

    In any case, watch your back and, if it comes down to it, try to be merciful without being foolish.

  9. #8
    Former Member Array The Tourist's Avatar
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    ebd10,

    When I say "front half" it's a soft lie to myself meaning "true half." I doubt if any of the people here would even talk to me if they knew the life that I lead, the lies that I told and my opinions of life, money, women and my parents.

    There are more points of commonality with this kid than I care to admit.

    My tenure with discussion forums was once driven by a need to communicate with kids like this. I used to go under the cyber handle of "Ichabod Poser," which Biblically means "God has left him," or "lying coward." I tried to show kids how thoughtless actions once committed are a permanent trail in your life.

    Further, there will come a time when spirituality, fear, or the very weight of the sin will crush upon you so completely that you must change, even if it be for your own sanity.

    But get this. Even as you bend your knee the first time to God for forgiveness, that life is wiped clean. Great news for your walk with God.

    But--and read this carefully--I still receive criticism for these actions while they date back almost 25 years. To some (many) my actions art chiseled in granite and no remorse in my later adult life, even with restitution, will ever pay those debts.

    This kid--this child--drives recklessly continuously. The toddlers continuously stray from their parents in the crowd and cross that stretch of tarmac to get to the play area. I imagine this kid as he lives to my age, his mind ever imprinted with the horror of the EMS removing a dead child from his smashed grill.

    I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Some sins never go away.

  10. #9
    Member Array ebd10's Avatar
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    Some sins never go away.
    How true, but as we continue our walk, we have to forgive ourselves as we have been forgiven. After all, once God has forgiven, what man has the right to continue to condemn us? Or we to condemn ourselves?

    Perhaps you should approach this youngster and give him your testimony. If he scoffs and ignores you, you've done all that you could. The rest is up to God.

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