Military Jokes / Funny Stuff...

Military Jokes / Funny Stuff...

This is a discussion on Military Jokes / Funny Stuff... within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Communication Breakdown... The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take ...

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 23

Thread: Military Jokes / Funny Stuff...

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array cagueits's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Puerto Rico
    Posts
    911

    Cool Military Jokes / Funny Stuff...

    Communication Breakdown...

    The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."

    • The Army will put guards around the place.
    • The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
    • The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
    • The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

    --------------------------
    Alligator Shoes
    An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own!"
    The shopkeeper replied, "By all means. Just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same.
    "So the Ranger went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
    --------------------------

    Reaction to Snakes
    • Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.
    • Paratrooper:Lands on and kills the snake.
    • Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
    • Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."
    • Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."
    • Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
    • 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
    • MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority.
    • JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.
    • Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.
    • Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.
    • Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.
    • Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
    • Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.
    • Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.
    • AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.
    • AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
    • Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.

    --------------------------
    The Prayers of Officers
    One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, biolent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
    The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

    POOF!
    God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however, take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.
    Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and tools to cross this river."

    POOF!
    God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an hojr, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.
    The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, "Pleae God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."

    POOF!
    God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

    --------------------

    Credit:

    http://www.swapmeetdave.com/Humor/MilJoke.htm


  2. #2
    VIP Member Array Old Chief's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Southwest Tennessee
    Posts
    10,820
    There seems to be more than one way to cross a river, and the USMC seems to know the easy way.
    One should never confuse good fortune with good training.
    Illegitimus Non Carborundum.
    In God we trust.

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array swiftyjuan's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Madera, CA
    Posts
    2,488
    Great way to start the morning!
    John
    Assault is a behavior, not a device.

    "Don't never take no shortcuts." Patty Reed, Donner Party

    Lifetime NRA member

  4. #4
    Member Array Deacon51's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    238
    The Five Most Dangerous Things You'll Ever Hear in the US Navy...

    A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

    A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, Sir..."

    A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."

    A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

    A Chief chuckling, "Watch this..."

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Shore Duty...

    An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

    "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch, all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Gunny Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day, and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

    "Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "lucky joker! All shore duty, huh?"
    Last edited by Deacon51; September 6th, 2007 at 10:19 AM.

  5. #5
    88m
    88m is offline
    Member Array 88m's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Western Colorado
    Posts
    146
    love this stuff

    A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?"

    The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?"

    "Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

    As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

    The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"

    The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"

    The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"

    (edit: can add this to the reaction to snakes: Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck.")
    “The will to survive is not as important as the will to prevail... the answer to criminal aggression is retaliation.” Jeff Cooper

  6. #6
    EW3
    EW3 is offline
    Senior Member Array EW3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    1,078
    "Naked and Starving as They are We Cannot Enough Admire the Incomparable Patience and Fidelity of the Soldiery" – George Washington, Valley Forge, 1777.

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array BigEFan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    Central California
    Posts
    2,045
    Way to start off the day!
    Lex et Libertas — Semper Vigilo, Fortis, Paratus, et Fidelis!

    "Not only do the people who put their lives on the line to protect the rest of us deserve better, we all deserve better than to have our own security undermined by those who undermine law enforcement." -Thomas Sowell

  8. #8
    VIP Member Array SIGguy229's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Kommie-fornia-stan
    Posts
    7,112
    someone has to do the heavy lifting...in fact, should be part of the AF PT test

  9. #9
    VIP Member
    Array Miggy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Miami-Dade, FL
    Posts
    6,258
    We of the Civilian Persuassion would like to remind our military buddies (serving or otherwise) to keep it civil so the Mods dont get medieval. Penalties might include making Navy personnel to eat MREs for a month straight, have AF personnel actually walk the length of the base and to call Army & Marine personnel Squids and Airdales.
    That is all. Carry On.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  10. #10
    New Member Array swabjocky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    14
    Hey Miggy,

    I happen to like MRE's. (Meals Rejected by Ethiopia).

    RM1(E-6)
    USN (Ret)
    "Three is good, four would be better, but three is good." Mel Gibson in the "Patriot".

    "If I had two more I'd be good." Swabjocky

    Illigitime non carborundum Michael Savage

  11. #11
    Member Array Deacon51's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    238
    Lets see if I can post another one without getting a warning....

    "HOW TO SIMULATE LIFE IN THE NAVY"

    1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.

    2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the
    walls.

    3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it
    out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."

    4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
    scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay
    $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

    5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

    6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to
    200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On
    Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too
    much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

    7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

    8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a
    whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille,
    Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

    9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
    following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and
    read it to you.

    10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight,
    then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign
    On the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."

    11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you
    to leave your house before 3pm.

    12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up
    all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6
    months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family
    through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next
    day you have duty.

    13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

    14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home
    (i.e., Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc).

    15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15
    minutes.

    16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This
    is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3
    times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your
    brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all trashcans over the
    fantail)

    18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

    19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning
    you can get your hands on.

    20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each
    pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

    21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
    magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

    22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
    and the Weather Channel.

    23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the
    middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch
    and then show a different one.

    24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

    25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

    26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world
    travel."

    27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

    28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead
    bodies of your coworkers.

    29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have
    gone to bed.

    30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,
    and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and
    order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general
    quarters, all hands man your battle stations") 31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking
    the pantry and refrigerator.

    32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you
    are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an
    hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of
    steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't
    pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

    33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the
    oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

    34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway.
    Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.


    35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell
    them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to
    Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls
    around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that
    they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be
    another week before they can leave the house.

    36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your
    not-so-closest friend (cite par. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through
    PMS!

    37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
    curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
    go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble
    "Sorry, wrong rack."

    38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
    bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make
    sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

    39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair
    and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of
    stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

    40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

    41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living
    room eight hours a day.

    42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

    43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind
    carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

    44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint
    sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors
    car. Ignore his complaints.

    45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

    46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage
    on the other side of your bathtub.

    47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
    sandwich on stale bread.

    48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and
    get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top
    button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the
    backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

    49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back
    together again.

    50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under
    it and read books.

    51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
    doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
    through one of them.

    52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard,
    starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and
    dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the
    kitchen "stowed for sea."

    53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in.
    Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your
    stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand
    there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular
    "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a
    box.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Array cagueits's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Puerto Rico
    Posts
    911
    That was some funny stuff Deacon51.

    I'm sure its been posted before, but what the heck:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqaWdkdFb3Y

  13. #13
    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    OKC; by way of St. Mayberry, GA
    Posts
    4,750

    The Creation

    In the beginning there was The Plan,
    and then came the assumptions,
    and the assumptions were without form.
    The Plan was completly without substance,
    and darkness was upon the faces of the sailors.

    And unto the Leading Petty Officer they spake,
    "It is a crock of POOP, and it stinketh!"

    And the LPO went unto the Chief, saying,
    "It is a pail of EXCREMENT, and none may abide the odor thereof."

    And the Chief went unto the Div-O, imploring,
    "It is a container of MANURE, and it is very strong, such that
    none here may abide by it."

    And the Div-O went unto the Department Head, exclaiming,
    "It is a vessal of FERTILIZER, and none may abide it's strength."

    Lo, the Department Head went unto the XO, declaring,
    "It containth that which aids growth, and it is very strong."

    Yea did the XO go unto the CO, and he did sayth unto him,
    "It doth promote growth,and it is very POWERFUL."

    And the CO did go before the Admiral, and he did bare witness before him saying,
    "This powerful new plan will actively promote the GROWTH and EFFICIENCY of the Command."

    And the Admiral looked upon The Plan,
    and he saw that it was good,
    And doth did The Plan become Policy.
    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

    (Sometimes) "a fight avioded is a fight won." ... claude clay

  14. #14
    VIP Member
    Array Miggy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Miami-Dade, FL
    Posts
    6,258
    Quote Originally Posted by swabjocky View Post
    Hey Miggy,

    I happen to like MRE's. (Meals Rejected by Ethiopia).

    RM1(E-6)
    USN (Ret)
    Oh hell, I give up!

    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  15. #15
    VIP Member Array ELCruisr's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Central FL
    Posts
    2,073
    Quote Originally Posted by goldshellback View Post
    In the beginning there was The Plan,
    and then came the assumptions,
    and the assumptions were without form.
    The Plan was completly without substance,
    and darkness was upon the faces of the sailors.

    And unto the Leading Petty Officer they spake,
    "It is a crock of POOP, and it stinketh!"

    And the LPO went unto the Chief, saying,
    "It is a pail of EXCREMENT, and none may abide the odor thereof."

    And the Chief went unto the Div-O, imploring,
    "It is a container of MANURE, and it is very strong, such that
    none here may abide by it."

    And the Div-O went unto the Department Head, exclaiming,
    "It is a vessal of FERTILIZER, and none may abide it's strength."

    Lo, the Department Head went unto the XO, declaring,
    "It containth that which aids growth, and it is very strong."

    Yea did the XO go unto the CO, and he did sayth unto him,
    "It doth promote growth,and it is very POWERFUL."

    And the CO did go before the Admiral, and he did bare witness before him saying,
    "This powerful new plan will actively promote the GROWTH and EFFICIENCY of the Command."

    And the Admiral looked upon The Plan,
    and he saw that it was good,
    And doth did The Plan become Policy.
    Oh, there is far, far more truth there for all the branches than any poor civ will ever realize.......
    If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good. ~ Thomas J. Watson, Jr.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Sponsored Links

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Similar Threads

  1. More Military Info Desired - Any Military Intelligence (35x) or Signal guys here?
    By Tally XD in forum Law Enforcement, Military & Homeland Security Discussion
    Replies: 21
    Last Post: August 5th, 2010, 03:48 PM
  2. Great Deal For Military/Retired Military/First Responders
    By CT-Mike in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: July 25th, 2009, 01:15 AM
  3. Smart Lawyers- funny stuff
    By bps3040 in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: February 29th, 2008, 05:13 PM
  4. Anyone else feel offended when civvies make Military jokes?
    By Cupcake in forum Law Enforcement, Military & Homeland Security Discussion
    Replies: 44
    Last Post: September 12th, 2007, 05:00 PM
  5. LEOs/AD Military, read about gangs in military/ with military training
    By cagueits in forum Law Enforcement, Military & Homeland Security Discussion
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: February 22nd, 2007, 01:30 AM

Search tags for this page

www.swapmeetdave.com/.../miljoke.htm the navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. ? the air force will take o

Click on a term to search for related topics.