'Shrine of the Mall Ninja'

This is a discussion on 'Shrine of the Mall Ninja' within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; The following was forwarded to me by a friend from another board. I swear this is so damn funny to read it'll have you in ...

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Thread: 'Shrine of the Mall Ninja'

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array Janq's Avatar
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    'Shrine of the Mall Ninja'

    The following was forwarded to me by a friend from another board.
    I swear this is so damn funny to read it'll have you in stitches...

    Shrine of the Mall Ninja

    March 1, 2006

    This is a collection of the wisdom posted on the internet by a guy calling himself Gecko45. It all started back at the end of the halcyon summer of 2001, and his posts have created a certain urban legend that many refer to as the Mall Ninja. Hang out at any gun shop, gun show or shooting match and you’ll see one of these guys–you might even see a group of them since they are known to associate in the wild.

    The Mall Ninja is easily distinguished by an abundance of “tactical” gear, such as fatigues, a thigh holster (with, of course, a Glock), combat boots, bandolier and other accouterments that you’d usually only see on a SWAT operative. Median age is usually 19-25, and they tend to boast about their various exploits with certain Special Forces units, all of which they’re too young and idiotic to have joined (real Special Forces types don’t brag). They typically have opinions on everything, regardless of expertise, they are uniformly poor shots, and they tend to exhibit a frightening lack of safety training.

    The shadowy and shrill figure known as Gecko45 is the holy Dalai Lama of these dolts, but trust me, there are more. Many, many more.

    Anyhow, I went looking for the original GlockTalk thread, and I found that it’s no longer archived. For a time, it was mirrored at mallninja.com, but sadly, the site is now down. Luckily, I had a copy of the thread cached (as well as a great one from the HK91 forum), so I figured I’d post it here. I’ve only kept Gecko’s posts (with one hilarious exception), since I don’t have permission from the folks who responded to him, but needless to say, he got grilled. A few folks even “played along” to get a rise out of him.

    All in all, good fun. I’ve added emphasis to the parts that deserve particular attention, and a bit of commentary in italics. I’ve left all spelling and grammatical errors intact, painful as they may be.

    So, without further ado:
    “Am I being careful enough?” from GlockTalk

    Gecko45 writes:

    hello friends,

    Last year I made the decision to trust my life on the street to Second Chance body armor. I got the level IIa because it stops the most rounds. plus I got the Trauma Plate for the front.

    What scares me is that, although I can fit an extra trauma plate in the front, I cannot fit a second one in back. As of late I have taken to duct-taping a second trauma plate to the area of my back where the heart and vital organs are located. Then I put my vest on.

    Here is the questions. The ducttape solution, although tactically sound, is hot and painful to remove. I would like to go to the single-plate solution in back. What I am worried about is repeated hits to that area with .308 ammunition. I have a high-risk security job and I fear that I would be the target for repeated long-distance shots to my back.

    Are any of you aware of a thicker plate that could stop, say, .338 Lapua or something like that? Is there a better way to do the second plate?

    BTW, I am, of course, usually carrying a pair of ceramic plates in my briefcase so that I can shield my head. My SO (we work as a team when necessary) has a similar accessory containing a breakdown NEF single-shot 300 WinMag with an 18″ bbl. The plan is that I shield us with my body and “catch the rounds” while she assembles the NEF. I lay down covering fire with my 23 (Bar-Sto .357 Sig barrel) and she makes the long shots. I will then throw smoke grenades to obscure the area while continuing to lay covering fire. The problem, of course, is when I have to turn my back to run, and then the problem crops up.

    Thanks!

    One poster responded, “If Plan A is to take multiple .338 shots to the back, you really need to come up with a Plan B.” Needless to say, alot of folks started seriously wondering where this guy worked…
    Much much more entries can be found as collected and cataloged at; http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

    - Janq
    "Killers who are not deterred by laws against murder are not going to be deterred by laws against guns. " - Robert A. Levy

    "A license to carry a concealed weapon does not make you a free-lance policeman." - Florida Div. of Licensing

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    Member Array taggart's Avatar
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    I think I remember reading one or two of his posts over at Packing.org. Hilarious stuff. Great comedy writer.
    Taggart Snyder
    Man about town...

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    Member Array turbo93's Avatar
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    It is hard to believe anyone is that stupid( one wonders if they were putting it on) I hope they do not reproduce and pollute the gene pool.
    Last edited by turbo93; September 21st, 2007 at 05:29 PM.

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    Member Array nicneufeld's Avatar
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    That was absurdly funny the last time I read it....just as funny reading it again! Thanks for the link!

    Oh, and a later bit of mall-ninja-goodness:

    http://lonelymachines.org/2006/08/12...he-mall-ninja/

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    Member Array GrizzlyAdams's Avatar
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    I thought 'Mall Ninjas' were usually between 40-55 ish. Not 19-25?

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    VIP Member Array rodc13's Avatar
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    The Mall Ninja thread is absolutely classic! Thanks for letting us relive it.

    Cheers,
    Rod
    "We're paratroopers. We're supposed to be surrounded!" Dick Winters

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    I love the "Mall ninja's"

    I laugh every time I read it
    “You can sway a thousand men by appealing to their prejudices quicker than you can convince one man by logic.”

    ― Robert A. Heinlein,

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    JD
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    yep, that was a total hoax, the original poster of the material is actually a member here...

  10. #9
    Member Array nicneufeld's Avatar
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    He's back!

    Ask the Mall Ninja
    http://9x19mm.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=14
    "For evil to flourish all that is required is for good men to spout clichés." - Hugh Laurie

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    Member Array turbo93's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JD View Post
    yep, that was a total hoax, the original poster of the material is actually a member here...
    I thought the postings were a bit over the top, I am surprised the forums rose to the bait. I suppose it was all in fun and played to the typical forums prejudice

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    Distinguished Member Array AnimalKracker's Avatar
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    It's sometimes funny to see how much of a rise you can get with some of this stuff.

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    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    rodc13........that pic is Great!
    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

    (Sometimes) "a fight avioded is a fight won." ... claude clay

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    Senior Member Array rabywk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nicneufeld View Post
    That was absurdly funny the last time I read it....just as funny reading it again! Thanks for the link!

    Oh, and a later bit of mall-ninja-goodness:

    http://lonelymachines.org/2006/08/12...he-mall-ninja/
    I have to say this was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time.
    NRA Rifle Coach
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    NRA Personal Protection In the Home Instructor

    --- Some of the friendliest people I have ever talked to are gun owners and shooters and according to the gun activists we are the mass murders and felons of the nation???

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