Without saying more than "man, I was dumb as a teenager," rest assured that I...um....sympathize.
This is a discussion on Just for Fun. . . within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Dear Friends, My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done ...
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy. Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkiní directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way! - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.
Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get'em back.
THANK GOD THE DOG WAS FINE!!
Without saying more than "man, I was dumb as a teenager," rest assured that I...um....sympathize.
A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands - love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper - his hands remember the rifle.
lol i've heard that before, but it is still hahalarious
That is too darned funny, I'm not even going to bother editing out any "friggens"
What probably happened was that the one second zap truned into a 3 second (or longer) zap once you electrocuted yourself as your muscles contracted, I doubt you were unable to release the button...
So my question is, when you came to was the stun gun still in your hand with dead batteries, or did it somehow fall out of your hand???
I think that story just made my day. Way better than when my dad wanted to show me outside how to use the mace canister. He pointed me with the wind blowing back at me and told me to give it a go as he ran backwards. I was 12 at the time, and I still have not forgotten how bad that burns(although I don't think it would stop an attacker, merely enrage them).
Bwahahahahaha......thats great ! Thanks fer the laffs !
" Refuse to be a victim, make sure there is a round chambered ! "
Just call me a pessimistic optimist !
U.S. Navy vet 1981-1992
I really enjoyed that...
If you'll try it just one more time, I'll send you $.50 for pic's and a follow up story...
Stay armed...stay safe!
The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.
Certified Glock Armorer
NRA Life Member
Somebody's gonna say, might as well be me. You must have (or had) some big one's to tazer yourself.
Read that a good while ago - but it still cracks me up - such a mental picture conjured up
Chris - P95
NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.
"To own a gun and assume that you are armed
is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."
http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.
And just think of the long list of other stuff out there yet to try.......bear trap, speargun, belt sander, hot grease, ebola virus, etc.
Helpful hints on pushing back and strengthening the 2A:
Thank you TC!
Someone emailed that story to me a few years back, and I thought I had saved it - wanted to share it with some people what with all the "Don't Taze Me Bro" stuff going on - but I couldn't find it... Now I have it!
That story always makes me laugh!! :D
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."
"SA is a cognitive state or process associated with the assessment of multiple environmental cues in a dynamic situation" ~ Isaac
Luckily, when I realized that this was going to be a funny story I put my coffee down. As a result I am sitting here with a keyboard and monitor not drenched in coffee. See, planning ahead pays off.
That was a very funny story!
Same here Mike, set the drink down as soon as I read "itsy bitsy AAA batteries...." Too funny!
TC... Thank you!! I have not laughed that hard in a long, long time!! I needed it!!
Dang! I guess that's one way to learn about it, first hand.
Did you ever find out how long you were on it? I suppose the pool of sweat (?) was a solid indicator, eh?
Look on the bright side: you did it for her. You now have living (writhing, stinging) proof that she'll be in good hands with that little zapper. She should be most appreciative of the test dummy stint. Whatever else is true, I think she'll be able to come up with a new saying ...