The Gospel of John

The Gospel of John

This is a discussion on The Gospel of John within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; As translated from the original ancient manuscripts by Fr. Frog. © copyright 2002 by John C. Schaefer 1 In the beginning was the 1911, and ...

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Thread: The Gospel of John

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array KenpoTex's Avatar
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    Talking The Gospel of John

    As translated from the original ancient manuscripts by Fr. Frog.
    © copyright 2002 by John C. Schaefer

    1 In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was THE pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said, thou shalt not muck with my disciple John's design for it is good and it workith. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain.

    2 And shouldst thou muck with it, and hang all manner of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm.

    3 And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.

    4 Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it.

    5 And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and loose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle. a

    6 And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunctions to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.

    7 Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men the lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.

    8 And being a deceitful spirit the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols unamenable to the artisans of earth and they were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did appear to function.

    9 And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both cock and fire them and which require a "dingus" to make them appear safe.

    10 But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and didst proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.

    11 And when man had been totally ensnared with the plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-Boom to descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.

    12 Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as the prophet had intended.

    13 And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal damnation b by the followers of John.


    a Several old manuscripts add the following text. "And they [also rendered as "these men"] didst chamber it for cartridges who's calibers startith with numbers less than the Holy Number 4. And lo the Lord did cause great grief amongst these men when their enemies who were struck in battle with these lesser numbers didst not fall but did continue to cause great harm."

    b or Hell
    "Being a predator isn't always comfortable but the only other option is to be prey. That is not an acceptable option." ~Phil Messina

    If you carry in Condition 3, you have two empty chambers. One in the weapon...the other between your ears.

    Matt K.

  2. #2
    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    Thats always a good read... As ive said before im on the look out ofr the one pistol forged in the fires of mount doom by JMB him self

  3. #3
    Distinguished Member Array RSSZ's Avatar
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    Problem is----- Mr. Browning did not forsee the applications that his pistol would be used for in the "modern" day. He did not forsee the "Spray&Pray" mentality. He did not forsee shooters not being trained to even a adaquit level. He did not even fathom shooters feeling so underguned that they would need to carry a magazine capeable of holding 14 rds.(and 2 extra mags)He did not forsee the "modern bullet" technology. --------- Mr. Browning's weapon design was great--BUT-- how many of those (Browning/stock)weapons are now being used,or would you use,in competition,CCW,LE applications,or target style shooting??? ---------

  4. #4
    Member Array Jim_Linch's Avatar
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    Apr 2005

    He did forsee all that, thusly he created the real master piece the BHP 9mm. :) And my BHP is being used in IPSC/IDPA/LEO/3-gun as we speak.

    He was designing an emergency backup sstem to the fighting rifle, not an EDC primary system that we as CHL's use today.. Big difference, and since when is more than 8 rnds a bad thing?

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