Another priceless story...pretty funny!!

This is a discussion on Another priceless story...pretty funny!! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Shamelessly copied from Heymikey at http://utilityoffroad.com/forum/topi...TOPIC_ID=14420 If you have raised kids, and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the ...

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Thread: Another priceless story...pretty funny!!

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    Senior Member Array ridurall's Avatar
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    Another priceless story...pretty funny!!

    Shamelessly copied from Heymikey at http://utilityoffroad.com/forum/topi...TOPIC_ID=14420




    If you have raised kids, and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately
    knew what to do.

    Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

    I was equally outraged.

    "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

    Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

    "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

    "Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much
    progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same
    results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb,
    for God's sake.).

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

    "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . . **********. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

    We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just . . just . . excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

    Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its . . . teeny little ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    Two lizards: $140.

    One cage: $50.

    Trip to the vet: $30.

    Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!


    Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs
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  3. #2
    Member Array state6three8's Avatar
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    Ha Ha Ha

    Yuck!!!!!!!!!

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    Member Array phaed's Avatar
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    lol, i was slappin the desk on that one
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    The question here is like the "Cadillac" commercial...

    When you turn your lizard on...does he return the favor?
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    Distinguished Member Array C9H13NO3's Avatar
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    hahhahaha and i was sittin there thinkin... lizards lay eggs...didn't figure it out though. lol
    Last edited by Captain Crunch; December 4th, 2007 at 01:26 AM. Reason: Deleted a language workaround

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    Distinguished Member Array P7fanatic's Avatar
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    Cool

    That was good (tears streaming down my face with laughter).
    I was wondering at the beginning of the story 'what kind of lizard is it that is giving live birth'?





    P.S. Hope he enjoyed it!
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    Senior Member Array jeephipwr's Avatar
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    is Bert jealous?

    I thought I saw Bert tapping on the cage and he had $50 in his "hand". What's up with that?

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    Quote Originally Posted by jeephipwr View Post
    I thought I saw Bert tapping on the cage and he had $50 in his "hand". What's up with that?
    Wasn't Bert also holding a little sign?
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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    Senior Member Array Slim_45's Avatar
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    This is awfully darn funny, i had already recieved this in a forwarded email a few months ago. It was funny then & its still funny now

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    Funny story. I got a heckova kick out of it.
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    VIP Member Array farronwolf's Avatar
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    Hey, did you even get a kiss from Ernie for your service?

    He owes you at least that much, too, too funny.
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    VIP Member Array Sheldon J's Avatar
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    sounds like a episode for "Dirty Job's" to me
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