Military humor

[Pete Zaria]

Just ran across this, sorry if it's a re-post.

From "smiteahippie.com":

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
——————————————————
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“Aim towards the Enemy.”
——————————————————
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
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“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” -
USAF Ammo Troop
—————————————————–
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal
—————————————————–
“It is generally inadvisable to eject….
directly over the area you just bombed.” -
U.S. Air Force Manual
——————————————————
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously
never encountered automatic weapons.” - General Macarthur
—————————————————–
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
- Infantry Journal
——————————————————
“You, you, and you .. Panic.
The rest of you, come with me.”
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
——————————————————
“Tracers work both ways.”
- U.S. Army Ordnance
—————————————————–
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”
- Infantry Journal
——————————————————-
“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and
don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
—————————————————
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
- David Hackworth
——————————————————-
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”
- Infantry Journal
- ——————————————————–
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
Joe Gay
——————————————————
“Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.”
——————————————————
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
- Unknown Marine Recruit
——————————————————-
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
- Your Buddies
——————————————————-
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
- USAF Ammo Troop
——————————————————-
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan
——————————————————-
“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.”
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
——————————————————-
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
——————————————————-
“Blue water Navy truism:
There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”
- From an old carrier sailor
——————————————————
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.”
——————————————————-
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”
——————————————————-
“Without ammunition….
the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”
——————————————————-
“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, … The pilot dies.”
——————————————————-
“Never trade luck for skill.”
——————————————————-
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation are:
“Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” And “Oh S…!”
——————————————————
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
——————————————————-
“Progress in airline aviation:
now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.”
——————————————————-
“Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
——————————————————-
“A smooth landing is mostly luck;
two in a row is all luck;
three in a row is prevarication.”
——————————————————-
“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.”
———————————————————
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there!”
——————————————————-
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag
for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”
——————————————————-
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it.”
——————————————————–
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world…
it can just barely kill you.”
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
——————————————————–
“A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t…
flying his plane to its maximum.”
- Jon McBride, astronaut
——————————————————–
“If you’re faced with a forced landing,
fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.”
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
——————————————————–
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
——————————————————-
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
——————————————————————-
“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”
——————————————————–
Basic Flying Rules:
“Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by….
the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there.”
——————————————————-
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked …
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”
————————————————————–
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks “What happened?”.
The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!”
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


Another goodie:

You know your a concealed weapon carrier when:

-You start your day selecting what clothes do not print.

-While shopping for a new belt, you select one by what goes best with your holster.

-2:30, 3:00, 4:00 are not times of the day.

-OWB, IWB are very different internet terms than LOL

-The most expensive part of your dress attire is that custom made leather holster you wear.

- Instead of family photos in your wallet you have concealed carry permits.

-Family members are tired of you asking “can you see my handgun under this shirt?”

-$200 is to much to spend for a pair of shoes but your holster was made by a 100 year old Native American in New Mexico, which is made out of a now extinct species, and cost more than you make a month.

-Baggy pants are not only a young mans style but it is the only way you can manage to get your IWB holster in your pants.

-You laugh at any full size auto under .45 ACP but carry a $1,000 9mm because it is really really small.

-Bending over to tie your shoes is a hard task but you can manage to contort you body in to unimaginable ways to see how your new gun feels while wearing it.

-It takes you 15 minutes to pick which one of your carry guns would be perfect to wear on your latest outing.

-As soon as you get home you clean lint off your gun but have not run the sweeper on the carpet in a month.

-If you ever asked your significant other “does this 1911 make me look fat?”

-A major goal of yours it to get every CCW permit from every state that issue out of state permits.

-Your hip has a cramp because you slept the wrong way on your holster last night.

- You have trouble remembering you cell phone number but you know every concealed carry law from every state.

-At the end of the day, your back right hip is boned to the grips in a manner that would have made Milt Sparks proud.

-You forgot how to reach for things over your head with your right hand, even if you’re standing in the kitchen in your underwear

-When standing up after eating, you habitually do a back and to the right shirt tug.

-When hugging someone, you shoot your arms under theirs in a race for who’s got the waist position

-You sell the idea of mice in the office to cover for your own occasional squeaking

-When you go out on the weekends your CCW buddies ask what your wearing? They’re not asking about your clothes.

-You look for pants with big enough front pockets so your Colt Officer can be called a pocket gun.

-You are always looking into seeing how big of a gun you can carry with out attracting the wrong type of attention.

Hope someone enjoyed that. If it's been posted before, feel free to toast this thread...

Peace,
Pete Zaria.

[DefensiveCarry.com]

[swiftyjuan]

Great way to end the night! Thanks Pete!

[C9H13NO3]

Good stuff. And being a Marine Aircrewman, I can appreciate the aviation jokes.

Oh, and lots of those you know you're a CCWer...apply to me...

[Echo_Four]

-At the end of the day, your back right hip is boned to the grips in a manner that would have made Milt Sparks proud.

Please tell me where my back right hip is!

Good stuff- I've seen the military ones in the past, some of them seem to have changed those. Specifically, I'd always seen that you shouldn't share a foxhole with someone braver than you. I suppose it would be just as bad to share a cockpit with someone braver than you too.

[David in FL]

One more fr an old Marine....

The definition of a volunteer.....someone who misunderstood the question!

[AMH]

I am prior service and really enjoyed the jokes!! Thanks!

One more:

A Soldier and a Marine are in the latrine. The soldier finishes his business and goes to the sink and starts to wash his hands. The Marine finishes his business and starts to leave the latrine.

Disgusted, the Soldier says, “Hey buddy, I don’t know about the Corp, but in the Army we are taught to wash our hands after peeing!”

The Marine responds, “Well I don’t know about the Army but in the Corp we are taught not to pee on our hands!”

[Supertac45]

Nice read.

[MR D]

"A good landing is any landing you can walk away from"

Front towards enemy (molded into claymore mines)

I spent a little time in army (fixed wing) aviation too

thanks for the memories...

[Sergeant Mac]

If you point to a structure and tell an officer from each of the 4 major services to "secure that building"....

The Army officer will lead a platoon into each building, blow mouseholes in adjoining walls, and spray each room in succession with automatic weapons fire until there's no enemy left.

The Marine Corps officer will call in an air or artillery strike, reducing the building to rubble.

The Navy officer will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Air Force officer will take out a 10-year lease.

[sgtD]

If you point to a structure and tell an officer from each of the 4 major services to "secure that building"....

The Army officer will lead a platoon into each building, blow mouseholes in adjoining walls, and spray each room in succession with automatic weapons fire until there's no enemy left.

The Marine Corps officer will call in an air or artillery strike, reducing the building to rubble.

The Navy officer will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Air Force officer will take out a 10-year lease.

IIRC Claymore mines used to say FRONT TOWARD ENEMY on them! I guess a few people must have had trouble figuring out which was the front, so they changed it to THIS SIDE TOWARD ENEMY!

[retsupt99]

Military and CCW both funny...

Thanks...

[JG01]

Haven't had a good laugh like that in a long time... I have an apprication for alot of them.