Military humor

This is a discussion on Military humor within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Just ran across this, sorry if it's a re-post. From "smiteahippie.com": 鄭 slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect ...

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Thread: Military humor

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array Pete Zaria's Avatar
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    Military humor

    Just ran across this, sorry if it's a re-post.

    From "smiteahippie.com":

    鄭 slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
    That would make you quite unpopular in what痴 left of your unit.
    Army痴 magazine of preventive maintenance.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
    鄭im towards the Enemy.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    展hen the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
    - U.S. Marine Corps
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    鼎luster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.
    The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground. -
    USAF Ammo Troop
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧蘭
    的f the enemy is in range, so are you. - Infantry Journal
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧蘭
    的t is generally inadvisable to eject.
    directly over the area you just bombed. -
    U.S. Air Force Manual
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    展hoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously
    never encountered automatic weapons. - General Macarthur
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧蘭
    典ry to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
    - Infantry Journal
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    添ou, you, and you .. Panic.
    The rest of you, come with me.
    - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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    典racers work both ways.
    - U.S. Army Ordnance
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧蘭
    擢ive second fuses only last three seconds.
    - Infantry Journal
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    泥on稚 ever be the first, don稚 ever be the last, and
    don稚 ever volunteer to do anything.
    - U.S. Navy Swabbie
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    釘ravery is being the only one who knows you池e afraid.
    - David Hackworth
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    的f your attack is going too well, you池e walking into an ambush.
    - Infantry Journal
    - 覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    哲o combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
    Joe Gay
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    鄭ny ship can be a minesweeper. Once.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    哲ever tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
    - Unknown Marine Recruit
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    泥on稚 draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
    - Your Buddies
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    的f you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
    - USAF Ammo Troop
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    典hough I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.
    For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.
    - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    添ou致e never been lost until you致e been lost at Mach 3.
    - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    典he only time you have too much fuel is when you池e on fire.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    釘lue water Navy truism:
    There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
    - From an old carrier sailor
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    的f the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
    it痴 probably a helicopter and therefore, unsafe.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    展hen one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you
    always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    展ithout ammunition.
    the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    展hat is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
    If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
    If ATC screws up, The pilot dies.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    哲ever trade luck for skill.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    The three most common expressions
    (or famous last words) in aviation are:
    展hy is it doing that?, 展here are we? And 徹h S!
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    展eather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    撤rogress in airline aviation:
    now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    鄭irspeed, altitude and brains.
    Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    鄭 smooth landing is mostly luck;
    two in a row is all luck;
    three in a row is prevarication.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    的 remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    溺ankind has a perfect record in aviation;
    we never left one up there!
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    擢lashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag
    for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    擢lying the airplane is more important than radioing
    your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
    understanding or doing anything about it.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    典he Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world
    it can just barely kill you.
    - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    鄭 pilot who doesn稚 have any fear probably isn稚
    flying his plane to its maximum.
    - Jon McBride, astronaut
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    的f you池e faced with a forced landing,
    fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
    - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    哲ever fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    典here is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
    - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    的f something hasn稚 broken on your helicopter, it痴 about to.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    Basic Flying Rules:
    典ry to stay in the middle of the air.
    Do not go near the edges of it.
    The edges of the air can be recognized by.
    the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
    It is much more difficult to fly there.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧-
    添ou know that your landing gear is up and locked
    when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
    覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
    having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
    the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks 展hat happened?.
    The pilot痴 reply: 的 don稚 know, I just got here myself!
    - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


    Another goodie:

    You know your a concealed weapon carrier when:

    -You start your day selecting what clothes do not print.

    -While shopping for a new belt, you select one by what goes best with your holster.

    -2:30, 3:00, 4:00 are not times of the day.

    -OWB, IWB are very different internet terms than LOL

    -The most expensive part of your dress attire is that custom made leather holster you wear.

    - Instead of family photos in your wallet you have concealed carry permits.

    -Family members are tired of you asking 田an you see my handgun under this shirt?

    -$200 is to much to spend for a pair of shoes but your holster was made by a 100 year old Native American in New Mexico, which is made out of a now extinct species, and cost more than you make a month.

    -Baggy pants are not only a young mans style but it is the only way you can manage to get your IWB holster in your pants.

    -You laugh at any full size auto under .45 ACP but carry a $1,000 9mm because it is really really small.

    -Bending over to tie your shoes is a hard task but you can manage to contort you body in to unimaginable ways to see how your new gun feels while wearing it.

    -It takes you 15 minutes to pick which one of your carry guns would be perfect to wear on your latest outing.

    -As soon as you get home you clean lint off your gun but have not run the sweeper on the carpet in a month.

    -If you ever asked your significant other 電oes this 1911 make me look fat?

    -A major goal of yours it to get every CCW permit from every state that issue out of state permits.

    -Your hip has a cramp because you slept the wrong way on your holster last night.

    - You have trouble remembering you cell phone number but you know every concealed carry law from every state.

    -At the end of the day, your back right hip is boned to the grips in a manner that would have made Milt Sparks proud.

    -You forgot how to reach for things over your head with your right hand, even if you池e standing in the kitchen in your underwear

    -When standing up after eating, you habitually do a back and to the right shirt tug.

    -When hugging someone, you shoot your arms under theirs in a race for who痴 got the waist position

    -You sell the idea of mice in the office to cover for your own occasional squeaking

    -When you go out on the weekends your CCW buddies ask what your wearing? They池e not asking about your clothes.

    -You look for pants with big enough front pockets so your Colt Officer can be called a pocket gun.

    -You are always looking into seeing how big of a gun you can carry with out attracting the wrong type of attention.

    Hope someone enjoyed that. If it's been posted before, feel free to toast this thread...

    Peace,
    Pete Zaria.

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  3. #2
    VIP Member Array swiftyjuan's Avatar
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    Great way to end the night! Thanks Pete!
    John
    Assault is a behavior, not a device.

    "Don't never take no shortcuts." Patty Reed, Donner Party

    Lifetime NRA member

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    Distinguished Member Array C9H13NO3's Avatar
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    Good stuff. And being a Marine Aircrewman, I can appreciate the aviation jokes.

    Oh, and lots of those you know you're a CCWer...apply to me...

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    -At the end of the day, your back right hip is boned to the grips in a manner that would have made Milt Sparks proud.
    Please tell me where my back right hip is!

    Good stuff- I've seen the military ones in the past, some of them seem to have changed those. Specifically, I'd always seen that you shouldn't share a foxhole with someone braver than you. I suppose it would be just as bad to share a cockpit with someone braver than you too.
    "The only people I like besides my wife and children are Marines."
    - Lt. Col. Oliver North

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    VIP Member Array David in FL's Avatar
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    One more fr an old Marine....

    The definition of a volunteer.....someone who misunderstood the question!

  7. #6
    AMH
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    I am prior service and really enjoyed the jokes!! Thanks!

    One more:

    A Soldier and a Marine are in the latrine. The soldier finishes his business and goes to the sink and starts to wash his hands. The Marine finishes his business and starts to leave the latrine.

    Disgusted, the Soldier says, “Hey buddy, I don’t know about the Corp, but in the Army we are taught to wash our hands after peeing!”

    The Marine responds, “Well I don’t know about the Army but in the Corp we are taught not to pee on our hands!”
    Join the NRA!
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    VIP Member Array Supertac45's Avatar
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    Nice read.
    Les Baer 45
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    Senior Member Array MR D's Avatar
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    "A good landing is any landing you can walk away from"

    Front towards enemy (molded into claymore mines)

    I spent a little time in army (fixed wing) aviation too

    thanks for the memories...

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    Senior Member Array Sergeant Mac's Avatar
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    If you point to a structure and tell an officer from each of the 4 major services to "secure that building"....

    The Army officer will lead a platoon into each building, blow mouseholes in adjoining walls, and spray each room in succession with automatic weapons fire until there's no enemy left.

    The Marine Corps officer will call in an air or artillery strike, reducing the building to rubble.

    The Navy officer will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

    The Air Force officer will take out a 10-year lease.

  11. #10
    VIP Member Array sgtD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sergeant Mac View Post
    If you point to a structure and tell an officer from each of the 4 major services to "secure that building"....

    The Army officer will lead a platoon into each building, blow mouseholes in adjoining walls, and spray each room in succession with automatic weapons fire until there's no enemy left.

    The Marine Corps officer will call in an air or artillery strike, reducing the building to rubble.

    The Navy officer will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

    The Air Force officer will take out a 10-year lease.


    IIRC Claymore mines used to say FRONT TOWARD ENEMY on them! I guess a few people must have had trouble figuring out which was the front, so they changed it to THIS SIDE TOWARD ENEMY!
    When you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts & minds will follow. Semper Fi.

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    Military and CCW both funny...

    Thanks...
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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    Member Array JG01's Avatar
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    Haven't had a good laugh like that in a long time... I have an apprication for alot of them.

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