Thinning The Herd 2007 - Darwin Awards (LONG)

Thinning The Herd 2007 - Darwin Awards (LONG)

This is a discussion on Thinning The Herd 2007 - Darwin Awards (LONG) within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; My buddy sent this to me. I have no idea how accurate or true it is, but it is still a humorous read. Thinning The ...

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  1. #1
    Member Array AMH's Avatar
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    Thinning The Herd 2007 - Darwin Awards (LONG)

    My buddy sent this to me. I have no idea how accurate or true it is, but it is still a humorous read.


    Thinning The Herd 2007 - Darwin Awards
    THINNING THE HERD" 2007

    Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

    Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.

    Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

    Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

    Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.

    HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

    RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

    AND THE 2007 WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

    It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."Stuff happens!"

    Submitted by John P.
    Join the NRA!
    The Second Amendment has nothing to do with hunting. It is about keeping the government in check. This requires that the citizenry is well armed and at all times has immediate access to arms.


  2. #2
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    sorry to bust your bubble but the 2007 list does not come untill Jan 1, 2008 according to their website
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  3. #3
    Restricted Member Array SelfDefense's Avatar
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    The urban legend of the elephant story has been around the internet since 1998.

    Here is another amusing urban legend:

    This man was in a work related accident, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

    "I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient."

    "I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower."

    "Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds.
    Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone."

    "Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11."

    "As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

  4. #4
    VIP Member Array SIGguy229's Avatar
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    Magazine <> clip - know the difference

    martyr is a fancy name for crappy fighter
    You have never lived until you have almost died. For those that have fought for it, life has a special flavor the protected will never know

  5. #5
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    SelfDefense, that was a great Mythbusters episode! They proved that it could be done, but had a heck of a time getting their barrel to break...
    A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands - love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper - his hands remember the rifle.

  6. #6
    VIP Member Array rodc13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SelfDefense View Post
    The urban legend of the elephant story has been around the internet since 1998.

    Here is another amusing urban legend:

    This man was in a work related accident, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

    "I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient."

    "I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower."

    "Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds.
    Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone."

    "Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11."

    "As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."
    Which is also included in the Irish song:

    WHY PADDY'S NOT AT WORK TODAY (Excuse Note)
    (Pat Cooksey)

    Dear Sir I write this note to inform you of my plight
    And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
    My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly gray
    I write this note to tell why Paddy's not at work today

    While working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
    And to throw them down from off the top seemed quite a good idea
    But the gaffer wasn't very pleased, he was an awful sod
    He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod.

    Well clearing all those bricks by hand, it seemed so very slow
    So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
    But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
    That a barrel full of building bricks is heavier than me.

    So when I had untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
    And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
    I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found
    That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

    Well the barrel broke my shoulder as on to the ground it sped
    And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head
    I held on tight, though numb with shock from this almighty blow
    And the barrel spilled out half its load fourteen floors below

    Now when those building bricks fell from the barrel to the floor
    I then outweighed the barrel so I started down once more
    I held on tightly to the rope as I flew to the ground
    And I landed on those building bricks that were scattered all
    around.

    Now as I lay there on the deck I thought I'd passed the worst
    But when the barrel reached the top, that's when the bottom burst
    A shower of bricks came down on me, I knew I had no hope
    In all of this confusion, I let go the bloody rope.

    The barrel being heavier, it started down once more
    And landed right on top of me as I lay on the floor
    It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
    That I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
    Cheers,
    Rod
    "We're paratroopers. We're supposed to be surrounded!" Dick Winters

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array friesepferd's Avatar
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    yep heard #3 many a times, and also true
    makes me smile every time.

  8. #8
    Member Array JG01's Avatar
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    It was an episode on Mythbusters

  9. #9
    VIP Member Array Cupcake's Avatar
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    I seem to remember reading #8 in this past years news...
    Spend few minutes learning about my journey from Zero to Athlete in this
    Then check out my blog! www.BodyByMcDonalds.com

    Cupcake - 100 pound loser, adventurer, Ironman Triathlete.

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