Arizona Heat

This is a discussion on Arizona Heat within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It ...

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Thread: Arizona Heat

  1. #1
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    Arizona Heat

    Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
    Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is
    beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.


    June 14th:

    Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
    air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
    to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

    June 30th:

    Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
    cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
    Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    July 10th:

    The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get
    used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though.
    But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

    July 15th:

    Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60%
    of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
    lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

    July 20th:

    I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
    morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and
    swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon.
    The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson
    though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

    July 25th:

    The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And
    it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz
    and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
    needed to order parts.

    July 30th:

    Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house
    and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

    Aug. 4th:

    It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today It cost $500
    and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

    Aug. 8th:

    If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going
    to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is
    boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

    Aug. 9th:

    Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat
    on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin
    melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of
    my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

    Aug 10th:

    The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and
    sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for 2
    damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
    Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be
    next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.
    Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

    Aug. 14th:

    Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.
    Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of
    the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
    My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona.
    What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

    Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.
    Bumper
    Coimhéad fearg fhear na foighde; Beware the anger of a patient man.

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  3. #2
    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    If i can Find the Winter version ill post it later


    Good stuff is that what your feeling like right now bumper?

  4. #3
    Member Array 500Mag's Avatar
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    Diary of a Snow Shoveler

    December 8: 6:00 PM.
    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9:
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.


    December 12:
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a White Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


    December 14:
    Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

    December 15:
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16:
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17:
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20:
    Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22:
    Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

    December 23:
    Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0°". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

    December 24:
    By now the snow was packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

    December 25:
    Merry #()_(*#)$ Christmas. 20 more inches of the @$#() tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26:
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27:
    Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

    December 28:
    Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!!!

    December 29:
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30:
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his *** . The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

    December 31:
    I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8:
    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
    "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the PEOPLE to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

  5. #4
    Member Array AZG23's Avatar
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    LOL...I was rollin' on the AZ one...I guess you "have to be ther to get it" kinda thing!
    Brad B.

  6. #5
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    Seem both of these before but - oh my - reading again it was very much ROTFLMAO - so darned funny and actually in a sense believable.

    That is perhaps why they are so good.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  7. #6
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    I must admit I felt sorta like that the first year we lived here, but have adjusted pretty well. But we moved here from Colorado and I have felt like the winter one, too. The best of both worlds would be to spend summers in Colorado and the winters in Arizona.
    Bumper
    Coimhéad fearg fhear na foighde; Beware the anger of a patient man.

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