Web gleanings ( humor ) for Christmas day

This is a discussion on Web gleanings ( humor ) for Christmas day within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; No i am not the author but considered a couple worth a repost here to lighten up any who may be stressed today . Infant ...

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Thread: Web gleanings ( humor ) for Christmas day

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    VIP Member Array Redneck Repairs's Avatar
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    Web gleanings ( humor ) for Christmas day

    No i am not the author but considered a couple worth a repost here to lighten up any who may be stressed today .

    Infant found in Manger--Police and Social Services Investigating

    Carpenter and underage mother arrested

    (AP) Bethlehem

    In the early morning hours, police and Social Services were alerted by a concerned citizen who discovered a family living in a stable.

    When Social Services workers and police officers arrived at the scene, they found an infant, which had been wrapped in cloth strips and placed in a manger by his 14-year-old mother, a Mary H. of Nazareth.

    During the arrest of the mother, a man later identified as Joseph H., also of Nazareth, tried to interfere with the work of the officials. Joseph, supported by three shepherds and three unidentified foreign nationals, tried to prevent the removal of the child, but was stopped by police officers, who Tasered him into compliance.

    Also arrested were the three unknown foreign nationals, who identified themselves as "wise men" from "a Middle Eastern country." Homeland Security and Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents are looking for clues regarding the identity of the three foreigners, who appear to be in the country illegally. A police spokesman said that the three carried no identification of any kind, but that immigration officials confiscated undisclosed amounts of gold and possible illicit substances under federal asset forfeiture provisions. The suspects resisted arrest and told police that God had directed them to go home and avoid all contact with authorities. The confiscated chemicals were sent to a police laboratory for further analysis.

    Police declined to identify the current location of the infant. A fast resolution of the case seems to be doubtful. Upon further questioning, a Social Services official commented:

    "The father is middle-aged, and the mother definitely still a minor. We are checking with the authorities in Nazareth as to the nature of their relationship."

    Mary H. is in the Bethlehem County Hospital for mental and psychological examinations. The District Attorney has announced that she will have to face neglect and child endangerment charges at the least. Her mental condition is questionable, as she claims to still be a virgin, and that the child's father is God Himself.

    The chief of psychiatry at Bethlehem County released the following statement:

    "It's not my place to question religious belief, but when that belief leads to the endangerment of a newborn, these people have to be classified as dangerous. The fact that drugs were involved--probably distributed by the foreigners present at the scene--does not inspire confidence in the innocence of the suspects. I am however confident that all people involved have the potential to take their place as responsible members of society again in a few years, given the right treatment."

    Finally, the statements of the shepherds to the police suggest that "a tall man in a white nightgown with wings on his back" ordered them to go to the stable and celebrate the birth of the child. A spokesman of the Drug Enforcement Agency stated that "this was just about the dumbest cover story ever put forward by those doped-up bearded hippie types."
    and for our liberal friends a " holiday wish "

    For Our Democrat Friends & Family:

    “Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.”
    Xmas wishes from our liberal friends ...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DA-M_OzB6Y

    and finaly Xmas wishes from our islamic friends

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk7IN3RNwko

    With that Ill wish you All a Merry and Peacefull Christmas today and Peace throe the remainder of the winter .
    Make sure you get full value out of today , Do something worthwhile, because what you do today will cost you one day off the rest of your life .
    We only begin to understand folks after we stop and think .

    Criminals are looking for victims, not opponents.

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    Member Array Kevan's Avatar
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    And to all a good Rum-Pa- Pa-Pum
    December 1, 2002

    BY DAVE BARRY

    Let's all get into the Holiday Spirit, as expressed by the festive song heard so very often on the radio at this time of year:

    "Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock!"

    "Jingle bell . . ."

    BANG!

    That was the festive sound of the radio being struck with a hammer by reader Sarah Frates, who writes to say she is sick of "Jingle Bell Rock." She also states that her husband, Ralph, is not a big fan of "The Little Drummer Boy."

    I am with Ralph on that. Oh, sure, "The Little Drummer Boy" is a beautiful song, for maybe the first 35 minutes. But eventually it gets on your nerves, those voices shrieking "Rum-pa-pa-pum!"

    For openers, drums do not go "Rum-pa-pa-pum." Drums go "Rat-a-tat- tat." Also I have issues with the line from "The Little Drummer Boy" that goes: "The ox and lamb kept time."

    Really? How? Did they clack their hooves together, castanet-style? Did they dance? Are we supposed to believe that two barnyard animals with legume-level IQs spontaneously started doing the macarena?

    I'll tell you this: If I were taking care of a newborn baby, and somebody came around whacking on a drum, that person would find himself at the emergency room having his drumsticks surgically removed from his rum-pa-pa-pum, if you know what I mean.

    Speaking of Christmas songs we maybe could do without, perhaps this has happened to you: You're throwing a Christmas party, and you start singing carols, and everyone's having a festive time because you are doing songs with easy-to- remember words, such as "fa," "la," and "la."

    But then, invariably, some guest, not thinking it through, launches into "The Twelve Days of Christmas." The singers gamely struggle through the gold rings, maybe even the geese a-laying. But then things start to go horribly wrong. Because in these hectic times, when everybody must remember an ATM code and 143 computer passwords, nobody has the brain capacity to remember what my true love gave to me on all Twelve Days of Christmas. Some people are
    singing about lords a-prancing; others are singing about pipers leaping; and others are going with "fa la la." The song lurches forward like a bus with transmission trouble until, somewhere around the 10th day ("10 milkers weeping") it shudders to a pathetic halt. Then, inevitably, some eggnog-fueled moron sings "The Little Drummer Boy," and your party is OVER.

    Don't get me wrong: I love Christmas songs, and I'm glad there are so many good ones. My wife, who is Jewish, laments the fact that there is basically only one Hanukkah song, "The Dreidel Song", which mostly consists of shouting "Dreidel! Dreidel! Dreidel!" ("Dreidel" is Hebrew for "Rum-pa- pa-pum.") At our house, when we celebrate Hanukkah (we celebrate every religious holiday in our house, including Elvis' birthday) we try hard to create a festive musical mood. "Let's sing 'The Dreidel Song'!" we say, and then we launch into "Dreidel! Dreidel! Dreidel!" The song consumes maybe a minute. When it's done, we sit around, looking at each other hopefully, until finally the tension becomes unbearable, and someone says: "Let's sing 'The Dreidel Song' again!" By nightfall we are exhausted.

    To rectify the holiday-song imbalance, maybe those of us who grew up in the Christian tradition could offer our Jewish brethren and sistren, as a gift, some of our traditional holiday songs. For example, we could offer "Frosty the Snowman," which as far as I can tell has nothing to do with Christmas anyway, unless there's a New testament chapter that I overlooked ("And lo, the three wise men DID maketh a man from snow, and one of them DID findeth an old silk hat, and he saideth, 'Hey! I gotteth an idea!' And . . .")

    Speaking of the wise men: How many of you readers, when you hear the words "We three kings of Orient are," even if you are attending a somber worship service, find that your brain automatically responds with "Smoking on a rubber cigar"?

    Me, too. It's like at weddings, when the organist plays "Here comes the bride," and everybody's brain, including the groom's, automatically responds: "Big, fat and wide."

    But that is not my point. Clearly, I have no point. I just want to wish you a happy holiday season, and remind you that this is a time when we are loving and forgiving and not easily offended by newspaper columns. May your days be merry and bright; may Jack Frost not nip too hard at your nose; may you be blessed with a big old bowl of figgy pudding; and -- above all -- may you truly understand the meaning of the words that have been a beacon of hope to humanity for thousands of years: "Thumpety thump thump; thumpety thump thump; look at Frosty go."
    I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

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    Redneck & Kevan...

    Two great posts ...

    Thanks for the yucks...
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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