Words folks wished they could retract!!

Words folks wished they could retract!!

This is a discussion on Words folks wished they could retract!! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; These are just a shade ''riské'' - so hope no offense. I did tho get such a good laugh out of them I felt you ...

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Thread: Words folks wished they could retract!!

  1. #1
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    Words folks wished they could retract!!

    These are just a shade ''riské'' - so hope no offense.

    I did tho get such a good laugh out of them I felt you may also like your day lightened up a bit. Mod's feel free to ''censor'' any bits if you are concerned.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words
    back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a
    few people who did....


    FIRST testIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids
    in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
    job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
    didn't say a word...he knew better.


    SECOND testIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
    balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
    for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
    who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
    looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."



    THIRD testIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that
    sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,
    the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
    just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy
    grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has
    never let me forget.


    FOURTH testIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
    decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
    grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
    patrons I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would
    be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
    as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that
    I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening
    after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
    doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
    my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me,
    were screams of laughter.


    FIFTH testIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
    My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
    him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
    errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
    I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
    daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go
    potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I
    kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
    any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
    accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
    because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny,
    did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
    bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
    While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
    pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by
    thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


    LAST testIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
    and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
    think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
    any....a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after it
    was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
    "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
    have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing, so
    hard!
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.


  2. #2
    Member Array 500Mag's Avatar
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    Holy Crap those were funny. Thanks.
    "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the PEOPLE to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    Thats too funny

  4. #4
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    I would Say This One Is The All Time Winner

    LAST testIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
    and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
    think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
    any....a true story... We had a female news anchor that, the day after it
    was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
    "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
    have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing, so
    hard!

  5. #5
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    Hahaha - I thought so too








    `
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  6. #6
    VIP Member Array KenpoTex's Avatar
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    Another good one I ran across somewhere:

    A state-trooper pulls over a woman in a sports-car for speeding. When he approached the car, she very sarcastically asked: "Let me guess, you want to sell me tickets to the state-trooper's ball?" He replied, "No ma'am, troopers don't have balls." After a slight pause, he returned to his patrol-car and drove away without another word.


    And a true story from one of my karate students:

    He had been teaching two of his children (early teens) some basic self-defense techniques (he's got a BB in another system and is a member of his department's SWAT team). Anyway, he had them work the strikes and verbalize what they were doing to help them remember: "Thumb in the eye, hit 'em in the throat, grab their nuts." Unbeknownst to him, his 3-year-old was within hearing distance. A week or so later, they were all at grandma's house (his mother-in-law) when out of nowhere the 3-year-old starts chanting: "Thumb in the eye, hit 'em in the throat, grab their nuts."
    Apparently, "grandma" wasn't impressed
    "Being a predator isn't always comfortable but the only other option is to be prey. That is not an acceptable option." ~Phil Messina

    If you carry in Condition 3, you have two empty chambers. One in the weapon...the other between your ears.

    Matt K.

  7. #7
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    I had one when I was about 10 or 12. I had the habit of telling my mom, "just a sec", when she wanted me to come along.

    One day in Sears I was looking at some toys and she told me it was time to go. I said, "just a sec Mom," and she replied in a rather loud voice, "I'm sick and tired of secs, let's go right now."

    There was a deafing silence as she realized what she had said and her face turned beet red. We still laugh about it to this day.
    Heroes are people who do what has to be done, when it has to be done, regardless of the consequences

    "I like when the enemy shoots at me; then I know where the ******** are and can kill them."
    ~George Patton

    DE OPPRESSO LIBER

  8. #8
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    Those were pretty good. I sould swear I've seen number four someplace before.......
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  9. #9
    Senior Member Array Tom357's Avatar
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    Thanks for a good laugh. I sure needed one, today.
    - Tom
    You have the power to donate life.

  10. #10
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    Thumbs up Great Additions

    Anybody have any more?

  11. #11
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    I am sure I have some somewhere on file QK - have to do some digging later and see. I did have a selection of ''odd'' classified ad's - similar stuff and darned funny.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  12. #12
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    Here we go - some classified ad goofs and typos etc ............

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

    Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

    A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

    Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

    For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

    Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

    Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

    Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

    Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

    We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

    For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

    For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

    Great Dames for sale.

    Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

    Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

    Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

    Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

    Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

    Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

    Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

    Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

    Stock up and save. Limit: one.

    For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

    Man, honest. Will take anything.

    Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

    Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

    Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

    Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

    Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

    3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

    Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

    Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

    Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

    Illiterate? Write today for free help.

    Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

    Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

    And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

    We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

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