Cop Funnies

Cop Funnies

This is a discussion on Cop Funnies within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Q: What do you call the clone of a police officer? A: A copy. OK, that was lame. It gets better. Q: What do you ...

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Thread: Cop Funnies

  1. #1
    1943 - 2009
    Array Captain Crunch's Avatar
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    Cop Funnies

    Q: What do you call the clone of a police officer?

    A: A copy.


    OK, that was lame. It gets better.



    Q: What do you call an all-police group of musicians in a large Massachusetts city?

    A: The Boston Cops Orchestra.



    Q: What do you call a frozen policeman?

    A: A copsicle.


    When you’re wounded and left on Afghanistan’s plains,
    And the women come out to cut up what remains,
    Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains,
    And go to your God like a soldier.

    Rudyard Kipling


    Terry


  2. #2
    VIP Member Array TN_Mike's Avatar
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    Not bad Captain....but not good either....
    ,=====o00o _
    //___l__,\____\,__
    l_--- \___l---[]lllllll[]
    (o)_)-o- (o)_)--o-)_)

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array BigEFan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TN_Mike View Post
    but not good either.....
    I can only go along with this part.
    Last edited by BigEFan; February 8th, 2008 at 02:28 AM.
    Lex et Libertas — Semper Vigilo, Fortis, Paratus, et Fidelis!

    "Not only do the people who put their lives on the line to protect the rest of us deserve better, we all deserve better than to have our own security undermined by those who undermine law enforcement." -Thomas Sowell

  4. #4
    Member Array CaptOFD92's Avatar
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    Don't quit your day job.
    Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote!

    BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

  5. #5
    VIP Member Array ExactlyMyPoint's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptOFD92 View Post
    Don't quit your day job.
    Don't quit your night job, either.
    Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.

  6. #6
    VIP Member Array PatrioticRick's Avatar
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    1000's of comedians out of work and we have you.
    Μολὼν λαβέ

    USN 78-82/USAF 82-93 Medically Retired
    Desert Shield/Desert Storm
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  7. #7
    Distinguished Member Array Squawker's Avatar
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    Well, there's the writer's strike.....

  8. #8
    VIP Member Array PatrioticRick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Squawker View Post
    Well, there's the writer's strike.....
    So does that make the Captain a SCAB.
    Μολὼν λαβέ

    USN 78-82/USAF 82-93 Medically Retired
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  9. #9
    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    FNG:
    Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

    New Recruit: Call for backup!


    End Of The Shift:
    A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

    "You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

    "Oh yes dear, what happened ?"

    "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

    "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?"

    "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."


    New Miranda Rights:
    1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.

    2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.

    3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.

    4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.

    5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.

    6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!


    Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You
    10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.

    9. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."

    8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."

    7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.

    6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.

    5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

    4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

    3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.

    2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.

    1. Your locker is also the broom closet.



    How To Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket:
    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver's license?

    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

    Officer: The car is stolen?

    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

    The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

    Driver: Sure. Here it is.

    It was valid.

    Captain: Who's car is this?

    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

    The driver owned the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

    Driver: No problem.

    Trunk is opened; no body.

    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


    Courtesy of: AhaJokes.com
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).
    NRA, SAF, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.

  10. #10
    Member Array xercise2nd's Avatar
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    Ah! A noble attempt by ccw9mm to rescue an ailing thread!

  11. #11
    1943 - 2009
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    Man, this is a tough crowd!


    When you’re wounded and left on Afghanistan’s plains,
    And the women come out to cut up what remains,
    Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains,
    And go to your God like a soldier.

    Rudyard Kipling


    Terry

  12. #12
    Member Array Dave James's Avatar
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    Old but Goody

    Bubba and the Tazar

    Bubba's story---" My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "Hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well,I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.Here goes: Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super ball in the checkout line -- 50 cents.What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does.That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?) I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun.

    So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn! last Saturday.The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking for a little something extra cool. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so! disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.

    OK, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Molly), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She' such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time . So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control;a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no bloody way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head cocked to one s ide as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?). I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and Holy FREAKING BATMAN!!!!!

    I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, chest on fire, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by the violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 3/4" deep in your thigh...like yours truly.)

    SON-OF-A-GUN that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and chest were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.,give or take an ounce or two.

    Yours Truly, Bubba

  13. #13
    VIP Member Array ron8903's Avatar
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    The speeding ticket

    A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

    "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

    The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

    "What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

    "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"

    "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

    "Have a nice night," said the officer.
    "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
    - Sir Winston Churchill

  14. #14
    Senior Member Array MR D's Avatar
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    okay - here goes

    Officer Varga was assigned to traffic duty, and it had been a long and uneventful shift, when suddenly to his disbelief a bright red sports car flew by him at 130 mph , so he pulls out behind him accelerating for all his Crown Vic is worth, turns on his lights and siren and surprise, surprise the bright red sports car slows rapidly and pulls to the side of the road and waits for the officer to approach, Just as Varga gets to the car he looks at the middle aged driver and says "man I've been waiting for you all day!" to which the driver responded "Sorry, I got here as fast as I could..."





  15. #15
    Senior Member Array ridurall's Avatar
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    My SOB son-in-law works for the Sheriff's department as a jailer. Been stuck in the same position for the past several year. Probably do to his lack of manhood. I changed the original reply to one that fit his personality better:


    Ten Signs The Sheriff Hates You
    10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.

    9. He refers to you as "Our Fat Mascot."

    8. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject and target."

    7. Instead of a gun, you were issued a none bullet proof vest with a bullseye on front and back.

    6. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.

    5. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.

    4. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

    3. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.

    2. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.

    1. Your locker is also the broom closet.

    Really hit home, if only the Sheriff would do this to him. He deserves every bit of it and a lot more. I just wish I could dish it out to him. He likes to play reserve deputy but the Sheriff does not like him, no one wants to ride with him and I don't think he will last too much longer. Thank you for letting me vent! ;-)
    Life member NRA since 1983
    I carry a Kimber Ultra Carry II in a Crossbreed SuperTuck. My wife carries a Walther PPS .40 w/Crossbreed holster.

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