Bad Joke Day

This is a discussion on Bad Joke Day within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Since we have had a rash of bad jokes lately (not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but you know who you are) why not ...

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Thread: Bad Joke Day

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array ExactlyMyPoint's Avatar
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    Bad Joke Day

    Since we have had a rash of bad jokes lately (not pointing fingers at anyone in particular, but you know who you are) why not start a thread of some of your favorite jokes.

    I searched through some of my old files, and found this one. I don't think anyone has heard this before.

    Today's Stock Market Report

    Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
    Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
    Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
    Hiking equipment was trailing.
    Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
    Weights were up in heavy trading.
    Light switches were off.
    Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
    Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
    The market for raisins dried up.
    Coca Cola fizzled.
    Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
    Sun peaked at midday.
    Balloon prices were inflated.
    And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
    And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

    So let me make sure everyone understands now. Please ADD your favorite joke. Then when someone is having a bad day and they need some humor, they can come to this thread and read some (hopefully) good jokes.
    Last edited by ExactlyMyPoint; February 10th, 2008 at 08:56 PM. Reason: clarification of intent
    Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.

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  3. #2
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    You will be hearing from my lawyer! I will need compensation for emotional distress!
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  4. #3
    1943 - 2009
    Array Captain Crunch's Avatar
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    And you accuse me of lame jokes...?


    When you’re wounded and left on Afghanistan’s plains,
    And the women come out to cut up what remains,
    Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains,
    And go to your God like a soldier.

    Rudyard Kipling


    Terry

  5. #4
    Senior Member Array sisco's Avatar
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    I'm passing that one on. There are several people on my email list that deserve a payback.
    I'm a child of the 60's, but I got over it.

  6. #5
    Distinguished Member Array C9H13NO3's Avatar
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    ok i laughed, but that was really corny.

  7. #6
    VIP Member Array swiftyjuan's Avatar
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    This is a great joke for revenge!
    John
    Assault is a behavior, not a device.

    "Don't never take no shortcuts." Patty Reed, Donner Party

    Lifetime NRA member

  8. #7
    VIP Member Array ExactlyMyPoint's Avatar
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    I guess I wasn't clear. You are supposed to post you favorite jokes in this thread.
    Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.

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    VIP Member Array swiftyjuan's Avatar
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    After spending a liquid afternoon at the neighborhood pub, Sean stumbled towards home. He stops at the local church, and weaves his way to the Confessional. He enters and sets down. Father Donovan, waiting patiently on the other side, gently taps on the wall. Sean says " Won't do you no good to tap on the wall. There's no paper over here either."

    (My apologies to my fellow Irishmen!)
    John
    Assault is a behavior, not a device.

    "Don't never take no shortcuts." Patty Reed, Donner Party

    Lifetime NRA member

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    You did say BAD jokes, right?

    Did you hear about the Priest, the Rabbi, and the Monk who all walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Is this a joke?"

    The grasshopper who walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replied, "You have a drink named Earl?"

    The two nuns who walked into a bar, the third one ducked!
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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    What insect is good at math?
    An account-ant.


    How do you have a party in outer space?
    You plan-et.

    What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?...Bison!

    Why don't ducks carry spare change? They all have "bills".

    What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
    Frostbite.

    What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
    Dam!


    An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

    The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

    The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

    The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the ****, and disappear for the rest of the day."
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  12. #11
    Member Array Ghuqu2's Avatar
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    What do you call a leper in a bathtub?
    Stew

    Why did the hookers leave the leper colony?
    The tips were falling off.
    "The millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us." Patrick Henry 1775

    Vegetarian: Indian for inept hunter.

  13. #12
    VIP Member Array PatrioticRick's Avatar
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    OK you said bad right? (I might get in trouble for this one, but no profanity)

    What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    FULL
    Μολὼν λαβέ

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    Captain Crunch.
    I'm also accusing you of lame jokes. You're guilty of lame jokes.



    OK OK Time For A Good One...................

    How I Got Into A Fight..............................

    I rear ended a car this morning

    ...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

    He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

    So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

    That's how the fight started.
    Liberty Over Tyranny Μολὼν λαβέ

  15. #14
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    Talking

    The Pet Alligator

    Hummmmm....can I get away with telling this one?



    A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

    He puts he alligator up on the bar and then turns to the astonished patrons.

    "I'll make you all a deal.
    I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.
    Then the gator will then close his mouth for one minute....then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."

    "In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmured their approval.

    The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
    Johnson in the alligator's open mouth.

    The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

    After one full minute passed, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head.

    The stunned gator instantly opened his mouth and the man removed his privates completely unharmed as promised.

    The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

    The man stood up again and then made yet another offer.

    "I'll pay anyone $100 Cash who's willing to give it a try."

    A hush fell over the crowd.

    After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

    A Blonde woman timidly spoke up ...........

    "I'll try It!"

    "Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle OK?"

  16. #15
    VIP Member Array PatrioticRick's Avatar
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