Listen up City Slickers!!!

Listen up City Slickers!!!

This is a discussion on Listen up City Slickers!!! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; This speaks toward the state of OHIO but it would sure be appropriate for many others... like the fine state of KENTUCKY! Enjoy! THE RULES ...

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Thread: Listen up City Slickers!!!

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array allenruger's Avatar
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    Listen up City Slickers!!!

    This speaks toward the state of OHIO but it would sure be appropriate for many others... like the fine state of KENTUCKY! Enjoy!



    THE RULES OF RURAL OHIO ARE AS FOLLOWS

    Listen up City Slickers !

    1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

    2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

    3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

    4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-71 goes north and south. Pick one.

    5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

    6. So every person in rural Ohio waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

    7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

    8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop.

    9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

    10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women , regardless of age.

    11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

    12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

    13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

    14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

    15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Cavs and the Knicks, and more fun to watch.

    16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

    17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

    18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

    19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

    20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.
    Allen

    -"I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, 'cause it's going to be empty." -Clint Smith


  2. #2
    Lead Moderator
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    Great, those are rules for life. I only have one gripe, #12, just gotta add garlic....... Gotta have GARLIC!!
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  3. #3
    Senior Member Array Saint77's Avatar
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    That stuff applies full force once you leave the city confines of Columbus, Cinci, and Cleveland.

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    Member Array Wolf357's Avatar
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    Those twenty rules don't just apply to rural Ohio. They apply wherever normal human beings still reside.
    And Jesus said, "If you don't have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one." (Luke 22:36)

    I am a peaceful man. But I am not a pacifist.

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    Love it. I'll have to hold onto that for the future.
    eschew obfuscation

    The only thing that stops bad guys with guns is good guys with guns. SgtD

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    I'll add one more (from Kansas):

    21. Don't make fun of our corn-fed women unless you want to go home and tell your mommy you got whipped by a girl


    The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins. ― The Journals of Kierkegaard

  7. #7
    Senior Member Array allenruger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rock and Glock View Post
    I'll add one more (from Kansas):

    21. Don't make fun of our corn-fed women unless you want to go home and tell your mommy you got whipped by a girl
    We always accept additions.
    Allen

    -"I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, 'cause it's going to be empty." -Clint Smith

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    Senior Member Array DrLewall's Avatar
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    Member Array Magilla82ABN's Avatar
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    #22. We talk a little slower, We are not stupid.
    SAPPERS BREACH BUTT NAKED

    Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American GI. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.


    Supporting hunting is not supporting the 2nd Amendment !

  10. #10
    Senior Member Array Sky Pilot's Avatar
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    You are absolutely right with all the above!!
    "Deine Papieren bitte?" or "ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ !"
    (Choose only one)
    NRA Endowment Member
    "I bark at no man's bid. I will never come and go, and fetch and carry, at the whistle of the great man in the White House no matter who he is." -- David Crockett

  11. #11
    Member Array aepilotjim's Avatar
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    My favorite rule

    Quote Originally Posted by allenruger View Post
    7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
    See, now that's just funny.

  12. #12
    Member Array Derrin33's Avatar
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    One for us folks from Oklahoma, and how true it is. Distance is measured in time, not miles. e.g. "how far is the lake from here?" "twenty minutes west, give or take" Tulsa is 45 mins away from me, not 54 miles.
    God Bless America!!

  13. #13
    Member Array Nosce Te Ipsum's Avatar
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    Allen,

    +.9 (gotta make an exception for # 12. Yes it is!! NYAH!!)

    Steve

  14. #14
    Senior Member Array allenruger's Avatar
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    I work in downtown Cincinnati and a co-worker found out that I live in the boonies. She said, "Do you guys have sidewalks out there?" I laughed and said no sidewalks. She said, "Do you have street lights?" I said no streetlights either. She said, "Oh, I couldn't handle looking out my window at night and just seeing darkness." The dumb look on my face must have said it all cause she stopped talking about it. Am I the only one that finds people like this annoying? These are the same folks that believe that milk comes from the grocery and not a cow. Geez.
    Allen

    -"I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, 'cause it's going to be empty." -Clint Smith

  15. #15
    Senior Member Array DrLewall's Avatar
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    I live so far back in the woods that they have to pump daylight to me. At night here with no moon, it is DARK! My sister who lives in big city in Kalifornistinkistan came out and remarked at how many stars were out and how bright they really were..seems the city lights wipe them out and she never gets to see them..city slickers!

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