Smart Lawyers- funny stuff

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Thread: Smart Lawyers- funny stuff

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array bps3040's Avatar
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    Smart Lawyers- funny stuff

    Smart Lawyers???

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
    and
    are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
    now
    published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
    these
    exchanges were actually taking place.
    -----------------------
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
    at
    all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
    you
    forgot?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
    that
    morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
    in
    voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
    his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is
    he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
    8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can
    I
    get a new attorney?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Guess.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed
    on
    dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would
    you
    like to rephrase that?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
    you
    go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
    doing an autopsy on him!
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    _______________________ _______________

    --- And the best for last: ---
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check
    for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when
    you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
    and
    practicing law.

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  3. #2
    VIP Member Array artz's Avatar
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    LOL.... I love it !
    " Refuse to be a victim, make sure there is a round chambered ! "

    Just call me a pessimistic optimist !

    U.S. Navy vet 1981-1992

  4. #3
    Member Array weazel's Avatar
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    The last one is the best, I can not stop laughing.

  5. #4
    VIP Member Array Kerbouchard's Avatar
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    The did you actually pass the bar exam, and the I think I need a new attorney still have me laughing...
    There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil.

    http://miscmusings.townhall.com/

    Who is John Galt?

  6. #5
    VIP Member Array Kerbouchard's Avatar
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    Some of my favorites...from Uncle Johns Bathroom Reader
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Attorney: Well, sir, judging from your answer on how you reacted to the emergency call, it sounds like you are a man of intelligence and good judgement.
    Witness: Thank you, and if I weren't under oath I'd return the compliment

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: And you're saying because she's dead she's no longer alive; is that what you're saying?
    Witness: Is there a dispute there?

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    Witness: Yes
    Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: Please review this document. Do you know what a fax is?
    Witness: Yeah, I do, man. It's when you tell the truth, man, tell it like it is. That is what the facts is.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: You assumed narcotics in reaching your opinions.
    Witness: Yes.
    Attorney: You didn't assume a Frito or a Chee-to or a banana. You assumed narcotics?
    Witness: It was a narcotics raid. It wasn't a Frito raid, counselor.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"
    Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
    Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
    Attorney: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    Witness: No.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: What is your name?
    Witness: Ernestine McDowell.
    Attorney: And what is your marital status?
    Witness: Fair.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: Are you married?
    Witness: No, I'm divorced.
    Attorney: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: Doctor, Did you say he was shot in the woods?
    Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Attorney: What happened then?
    Witness: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
    Attorney: Did he kill you?
    Witness: No.
    There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil.

    http://miscmusings.townhall.com/

    Who is John Galt?

  7. #6
    Member Array MadDog's Avatar
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    That was great, I may have to get that book
    I believe in gun control...... Thats why I use TWO hands.

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    Senior Member Array tegemu's Avatar
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    "Officer, is personl property safe from theft in your Police Station?"\
    "Yes"
    "Then why do all the lockers in your locker room have padlocks on them?"
    "Because Attorneys often pass through the locker room."
    People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence in their behalf. - George Orwell

  9. #8
    Member Array 500Mag's Avatar
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    Heard this one in court from a guy fighting a speeding ticket.

    Attorney: How many cars were on the road when you clocked my client speeding?
    Officer: Two
    Attorney: How do you know you got the right car?
    Officer: The other car was mine.
    "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the PEOPLE to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

  10. #9
    Distinguished Member Array Reborn's Avatar
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    A lady calls the PD and says her house has been broken into.

    There is a K-9 unit in the area. Its a slow day, so he thinks that he'll take the call and let the dog stretch his legs.

    He checks out at the house and snaps on a dog lead.

    He knocks on the door and the lady comes and looks at him and than the dogs and says.

    Great this is my day.........they send me a blind police officer.
    Last edited by Reborn; February 29th, 2008 at 01:47 PM. Reason: mis spelled word
    Psalms 144:1
    Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight.
    Senior Instructor for Tactical and Defensive of Texas
    http://www.tac-def-tx.com/
    CHL INSTRUCTOR
    Retired LEO
    NRA member
    TCHA member

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    Member Array Magilla82ABN's Avatar
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    That was all great. I cant stop laughing.
    SAPPERS BREACH BUTT NAKED

    Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American GI. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.


    Supporting hunting is not supporting the 2nd Amendment !

  12. #11
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
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    Great
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  13. #12
    Senior Member Array rangerman2003's Avatar
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    you would think that these things would never be said but its amazing how stupid they can be even AFTER passing the bar and practicing
    Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'

    De inimico non Loquaris sed cogites.

    Do not wish ill for your enemy, plan for it!

  14. #13
    VIP Member Array Kerbouchard's Avatar
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    rangerman, I would be willing to bet that if somebody recorded every word that you or I said while we were at work, they could come up with quite a list of 'oops moments'. The only reason people don't do that is because lawyers are more fun to make fun of.
    There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil.

    http://miscmusings.townhall.com/

    Who is John Galt?

  15. #14
    Member Array RebelKangaroo's Avatar
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    That made my day! Thanks for the laugh!

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