Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

This is a discussion on Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Got this off of one of my favorite webcomics Schlock Mercenary : The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates is a popular handbook in the ...

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Thread: Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

  1. #1
    Member Array RebelKangaroo's Avatar
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    Feb 2008

    Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

    Got this off of one of my favorite webcomics Schlock Mercenary:

    The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates is a popular handbook in the Schlock Mercenary universe. The book's rules (of which there are more than seven) are often quoted by Tagon, as well as other characters. The following is an overview of the book, as penned by Howard Tayler on November 21, 2002 in the notes section of the comic:

    In the waning years of the 20th century a popular self-help book for businessmen, The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People, was lampooned on-stage by an improvisational comedy troupe which only four years later was completely defunct, giving rise to speculation that perhaps those in charge should have been reading the book more carefully rather than lampooning it.

    Their sketch, The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Pirates, went completely unnoticed for several centuries, until the day an archeobibliologist named Joel happened across the script in the Gates Memorial Archive Of Stupid Things From Ye Olde Internet. Our story would have ended there, except that Joel's younger brother Linc was in prison for privateering, and it occurred Joel that perhaps his wanna-be pirate brother would get a kick out of reading it.

    Unfortunately, Linc realized as he chuckled at the script ("Bury the hatchet! Hah!") that he was in prison because he was NOT an effective person, and was an even less effective pirate. So he began to write.

    Most books written in prison do not tend to sell well, but this one did. Eventually, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates was translated from Galstandard West into the other four Galastandard languages (East, Eight, Brown, and Peroxide), and became a handbook not only for pirates, smugglers, and privateers, but also for CEOs, defense attorneys, and tenured professors. The fact that there are more than seven habits, as well as dozens of 'rules,' may confuse some readers, though, so be warned. And remember Rule 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.

    The following is a list of rules found in Schlock Mercenary. The rules are ordered by rule number.

    1. Pillage, then burn.
    6. If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.
    8. Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock.
    9. Never turn your back on an enemy.
    12. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.
    13. Do unto others.
    16. Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.
    21. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow.
    27. Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.
    29. The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.
    30. A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.
    31. Only cheaters prosper.
    34. If you’re leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun.
    35. That which does not kill you has made a tactical error.
    36. When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.
    37. There is no "overkill". There is only "open fire" and "I need to reload."

    xx. Just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it can't be hard on your clients.

  2. #2
    VIP Member Array aus71383's Avatar
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    Number 21 is my favorite so far....


  3. #3
    VIP Member Array rodc13's Avatar
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    A picture is worth . . .
    "We're paratroopers. We're supposed to be surrounded!" Dick Winters

  4. #4
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    For proper CCW and SD, kindly refer to #'s: 6, 9, 12, 27, 30, 31, 35, 37...

    Stay no one...stay safe!
    Proverbs 27:12 says: “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”

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