The Great Texas Chili Cook Off

The Great Texas Chili Cook Off

This is a discussion on The Great Texas Chili Cook Off within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; A friend emailed this to me. I laughed till I cried. Really funny The Great Texas Chili Cook Off WARNING - If you can read ...

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Thread: The Great Texas Chili Cook Off

  1. #1
    Member Array G&G's Avatar
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    Aug 2007
    Western Washington

    The Great Texas Chili Cook Off

    A friend emailed this to me. I laughed till I cried. Really funny

    The Great Texas Chili Cook Off

    WARNING - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there is no hope for you.

    Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges (who are experienced judges), the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

    Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light beer truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'

    Here are the scorecards: (Frank is Judge #3)

    Chili entry #1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

    Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

    Chili entry #2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili...

    Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili entry #3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

    Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    Judge #2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

    Chili entry #4 - Dave's Black Magic...

    Judge #1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

    Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili entry #5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

    Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

    Chili entry #6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

    Judge #1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I desperately need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

    Chili entry #7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

    Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
    **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing loudly and uncontrollably.

    Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of hot chili lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili entry #8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili....

    Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, and with poop oozing out of his pants, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it, poor fella. I wonder how he'd have reacted to a hot chili.
    Be ready. You can't make an appointment for an emergency.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Array blueyedevil's Avatar
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    May 2006
    I've read that one at least 4 times before and it still makes me roll!

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array HKinNY's Avatar
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    Dec 2007
    Nassau, NY(Long Island)
    excume me while i clean myself up................................................ ..............I'm back to funny.

  4. #4
    Member Array thomasboxertko's Avatar
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    Jul 2007
    San Antonio
    That was great!!!! "I desperately need to wipe my butt with a snow cone." HAHAHAHA man thats funny! Thanks

  5. #5
    Member Array uakaos's Avatar
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    Jul 2007
    reno nevada
    hahahahaha i started busting up and everyone at work just staring at me.

    "An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it."

  6. #6
    VIP Member Array deadeye72's Avatar
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    Feb 2008
    Central Mississippi
    I was laughing so hard I had to stop five times to dry my eyes so I could finish reading.
    Glock 27

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